April Winds

Monday was our finial court hearing. I spent all last week with uncontrollable outburst of tears and emotions and Monday was no different. I basically broke down on the stand before the judge but the wife was almost as bad. I just wanted to hold her and feel her arms. I wanted her safety, but as much as she too was hurting she could not give me that, and I’m trying to understand, realizing that she too has to find a way to cope with this shattering ordeal.
 The wife walked out of the courthouse on Monday and I has not returned to the house. My daughters have been able to have limited conversations with her. My oldest is driving in this weekend to help with moving things to an apartment. She tells me her mom loves me but wanted this divorce so that I would “Move-On” because she knows she will not change, does not want to change, and does not want me to keep being miserable. My wife has told me this many times over the past few months, I just can’t seem to accept it or admit it. I wish I could understand how she needs me and loves me but does not want me to share more of her life besides being roommates. But I guess she cant understand why I feel the need for companionship and cant be content as housemates leading basically two separate lives. I feel a marriage without companionship is not much of a marriage. So why do I hurt so much over this ending?