April the day of reckoning

April Another one

Tuesday, April 4, 2023

12:50 AM

Well another photoshoot is a bust found out that it was a scam but I am trying to look on the bright side of things that I haven't lost a penny. But I am getting depressed because I haven't gotten not one paid shoot yet. I am getting disappointed in my choice of being a model. Haven't done a shoot since October, I'm am starting to think if I have made a mistake in doing this. But I am still thinking with a positive attitude. Don't know to what ever. I am starting to get tired with the job I have it's starting to take a toll on me. Brian fried is starting to settle in and I am looking for a way out and I don't see it. I just hope things will turn around for me.

Well as April progress forward I have managed to get paid shoot that they offered me 100 just for the shoot. I was going to use it towards the credit cards and I am still going to do that even though I over spent in BJ for food. It's just that the prices keep going up and putting up with the roommate always thinking that I am putting things next to her electric toothbrush, I just hope that derrick is serious about me that I want to get out of here.

So sat I had a slight melt down when I eat at my son's favorite place, I started with the flash backs of seeing my family sitting with me and I only saw no one sitting across or next to me that I started to cry. I had to leave but as soon as I got into the car I just let it out balling crying, I miss them and it been long time since I have seen any of them, I did see Gabby Last week with the baby, he is so cute. Bright eyed with eyes wide open. I hope that I will see him again. I am still hopeful but for how much longer. I have two photoshoots coming up in May Lancaster and Philly with Amazon Prime with a possible earning a 2 year contract. I hopeful. So what will the rest of April end up being. But time is flying by so fast that I don't know why or where it is going. But what I do know is that April is almost over. Thinking back in 2019 on this date I remember what a nightmare I was living when I left with a suit case walking down chi avenue towards Wendy's letting them know that I was leaving my family and going back to New Jersey, That whole entire day I was crying and looking over my shoulder for the police wondering if they where coming to take me away because I left. I was wondering if I was doing the right thing but Danielle kept on telling me that if I went back I would never leave and she would be right I wouldn't have. I was scared to death even though I had planned everything out even if Katrina didn't come through She made me know that there are people in this world that care about others or I would be still going through the agony. As I look back on April 23, 2019 I can say that I have accomplished a lot in the 4 years that I have been gone. I transferred my job with Arby's and got my health back to some what normalcy, Then the last step was to find out what was wrong with me, why people where treating me differently only afterwards in all he years having the doctor tell me that my body was producing more estrogen than Testosterone but that was not till August That I looked into it further. Even though I miss my family every day I still love them including my Merle as I miss them everyday. I will say that I have accomplished a lot and my next goal in life is to find a home that I can say that it is mine. With the help of my photo shoots that I am applying for. I have several planned for the month of May with one having the possibility of a 2 Year contract with Amazon Prime, will find out what happens I hope that I do get it. So until the next entry I might as well say goodbye to this month April23, 2023, but I can't life just continues forward.

Sunday has come and I think that I am ready for tomorrow's documentary. I hope that I have everything I need. I am nervous about it but I am going to keep my guard up and afterwards I am going to treat myself to Golden Coral further up north, I am praying that the neighborhood is safe. I will do the same thing as I did when I went to Williamstown, NJ for that photoshoot. I just hope that I don't make a fool out of myself. In the mean time the situation with Derick is still up in the air as my gut is telling me that I shouldn't keep my hopes up because he is probably just the rest of them " liars" that he has no intentions of ever meeting me in person. No big surprise there. But why do people prey on me just for financial gains. Just like derrick asked me for a $25 gift card and then later asking me to get another one but this time I refused and on top of that he wanted me to set up an account to get cell phones from ATT&T I flatly refused to do it. I will not fall for that ever again. I just do not trust anyone anymore when It comes to someone asking for money. Then they try to send you on a guilt trip saying that I don't care about them. Right I won't give anyone money for their financial gains. I hope for the best tomorrow when I attend the shooting of the documentary. I hope that I can make a difference to anyone contemplating on doing sex work so they can keep themselves alive. Even though I haven't had any offers, I had a couple but they back out. Which was good for me, so I started doing it on line, which was safer for me and I made some money doing it. I hope that I can help as I don’t want to see anyone getting killed or getting hurt doing sex work. I hope I can make a difference. Tomorrow is the first day of May! Where is the time going!! Until next month as I will inform you on what transpired. I wish myself good luck.