April is starting to come to a Close

Well it's the beginning of the first day of a new month. But what is this new month going to have in store for me. I wonder, but so far I have been trying to find something to fill the void that is deep in my heart. Pretty much I am trying to find someone as I will not go back to my wife. I just want a divorce from her so I can move on but she is holding the last string she has on me. I just don't know why she won't let go. She gets mad at when I tell her the things I do like I tell her I am glad that I no longer have to take public transportation but she tells me how nice sarcastically, I guess she envy of me because I have done a lot for myself. But sometimes I feel like I have made a mistake, leaving my family transitioning into a female and having my bottom surgery. Sometimes I feel lost that I regret doing this transitioning and sometimes I don't feel the regrets. Why am I feeling this way I am tired, when I am at work I am fighting with myself in keeping focus and keeping my cool. I am starting to lose self control, crying and wondering what have I done to myself. I am losing grip with myself. I just visited my two boys only to find out or I believe that Robert didn't have a doctors appoint at Will's Eye hospital this past month. I would ask what did the doctors say and all she said was that they need to run tests on him. I told her that I still care about our kids and for her but I feel that all I am just getting a was a door being slammed in the face. When she starts yelling at me about me leaving and trashing my family on Facebook which I know I haven't done but she is still going to believe in what she believes even though I know that it is not true. But she is who she is. Which draws me to thinking will she ever change and me knowing that she will never change. I even went a little far asking Angie how things were going in Chi but she was being honest with me that she wouldn't be able to give me the same hours that I am getting here in New Jersey and the other factor would be my pay I would be making more than a shift manager and I can not be one currently because of my felony charge is still currently active. I did run this by with my therapist as K.C. explained that I would be able to attend the group sessions on Tues and Wed but to look for a place in Delaware, But do I want to live in Delaware, it's something to look into and it will make me close to my family but is it worth it, I just don't know.

Several things are transpiring as I can feel it but I don't know what. I am breaking down crying but for what reason I do not know and I am concerned about myself I just don't know but I am worried, worried about myself, I can say that I am not suicidal not yet anyway. As I am sitting here on the sofa bed listening to M.A.S.H on hulu my mind is going a little crazy, how crazy I couldn't tell you because I do not know what is going on. At work I am tired with customers being stupid that I have to talk to them like a child do you want this or that, do you want small, med, or large come on people how many years have you been on this planet don't you know how to order??? And today this girl from Match. Com but she is not the person I would want to be with, I can't believe that I am saying this but I don't think she is my type a little on the BB section. But I want someone who a little skinner but I will be friends with her but nothing more, I am going to have to keep my wits together so I don't go over board or lose my dignity as I must refrain from having sex with her. She looks like this one woman that worked with at the Taj Mahal. She almost looks like her down to the tea.

I don't know why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I guess I am trying to get so many things done like trying to find a place to live that I can call my own and hoping to afford the place with my pay. I am hearing complaints about me cooking my food as my roommate keeps saying that my cooking makes her sick or makes her hungry and she slams things when I am on the phone talking to people or my step mother. I try to be quiet as a mouse so I don't make any noise. Maybe I will give her a chance but the other stipulation is Merle if she ever found out that I am seeing someone she would probably use it against me. The other factor is that I am also trying to divorce Merle, but it would seem that know one wants budge to help me and still people making promises to me and no keeping it like Lt. Landis drop of the face of the earth. Hipping me up thinking that I will be part of his team. Which I feel like I am again wasting my time. Things are piling up again, trying to find a place, looking to fill a void in my heart and more doctors are being added to my health. Having more bills to pay. Maybe I starting to feel overwhelmed with everything starting to add up. Now I have to see another doctor at Temple for my revision surgery, I know I definitely need the proceedure done as I am waking up in the morning with a nasty smell coming out of me, Another weekend is coming again what is its going to be this month or the next. There is so much uncertainties going on in my life. That it is starting to be overwhelming.

Tomorrow is tye dye and I didn't get my top that was supposed to here maybe another mail person can't figure out the difference of circle and cove. Now I have to search for that package. I hope I can find it but now I am going to have to make sure that it is sent to my P.O. Box. I sometimes feel like I am lost.

April is almost over and I am feeling uncomfortable I have gone to much on my credit cards lately as I would want to help my family out but I must maintain my diligence. I would love to Help but I will over extend myself if I help her get Vannes Dress clothes for Katlin's Wedding even though I am not invited. I don't know how I am going to handle it I am scared. I did manage to see the doctor for my revision surgery and they will be able to my breast augmentation but how will I hide it from merle going to a B-cup to a c-cup. She is and my family is transphobic. I do not think it will ever change. What I am I suppose to do? Can I change the way my family thinks, she gets mad at me when I am up there when I try to spend 1 hour with my group because I can not join in when I am in New Jersey, then tells me how inconsiderate I am to be on a zoom conference, trying to give me the riot act, telling me that Robert and Vanne were upset with me that I was on a conference call and they saw people on my because my phone rang and it didn't stay on my headphones.. She went off on me saying that when I drop them off at the men's warehouse she didn't want me to take them home and was going to take an uber home but I staid there and they did let me drive them home. I care about my family but I am or I should say that I do not regret it. I am starting to feel regrets and I know that I can not turn back because what has been done can not be reversed. But I keep telling myself that I feel good about myself and its the honest truth. But sooner or later I might have to write off my family and I don't want to do it. I am pretty much crying off and on thinking of my family but I am hoping that it will change for the better, but it is just wishful thinking. Right now I am watching a movie called First day about a transgender boy who is changing to be a girl and getting treated very badly by other students. I feel that way when I am around my family, but they act like they don’t know, but they talk about it at the dinner table Thursday evening about how they feel that they don't like the idea everyone talking about Black lives matter and the LGBt community how they dislike the communities. But it makes me feel uncomfortable they way they talk about it. But there was another incident that happened when Annette was talking about my car on how I got it and I explained to her that I went to DC to meet someone and she was asking was it a guy but I told her he was a she and was a transgender and I told her that I was still interested in woman not guys. But she sort of shut me down quickly but I didn't tell her that I had my bottom surgery. But what about her son, as asked when was the last time she spoke to Nora it was Christmas and she has never bothered to speak to her again, telling me that it's her responsibility to call her. Annette never mentioned her name, not even his dead name. but I was not going to let her know that I know what was going on with Nora as I hope for the best with her.

I am going to be strong and keep reminding myself that I am who I am a woman and merle is going to have to realize that I am a woman and even Daniel is no longer Daniel, Danielle is Daniel inside. Maybe one of these days I will learn not to cry anymore