April 30th

Well April came with a few surprises 

May 3,2021

Monday, May 3, 2021

12:30 AM

April has been another interesting month, but I have been able to accomplish more of my goals but there is one that I haven't been able to get the lawyer to move off his butt. Everyday things are getting difficult to work at Arby's, having Kelly always on my back even though I am having difficulties with my back the pain is bearable but a nuisance. I am getting tired and she knows that she is crossing the line toward harassment in the work place. But I can not lose the job.

My last Doctors visit was good I got the doctor to drop my Gabapentin so I have stopped taking it. Which is good for me because I hope it will stop these suicidal thoughts that makes me concern of my well being.

April continued to help in many different ways I was able to choose a home or a car as I hope that I didn't make an error in judgement. I do enjoy having the car but now I can't get a home, so I can move into my own place. She had a chance to get one but merle decided to rent a store that she could open up her business. But that was a failure before it opened. But of course it was my fault.

I still have difficulty in keeping myself from crying most of the time I still have issues with some flash backs that I start crying for no reason but I think it is a reason. Some songs, some places brings back memories spending time with my family and Danny being a baby. I wish that it would be possible to go back and to make some changes. Is this normal but I have always asked that question what is normal. Living the rest of my life as a female ? In a million years I would never thought of transitioning into a female. I thought I would be able to handle things but It would seem that somedays I don't and actually regret doing it. I promised myself that I would never think it but in all reality sometimes the pain of loosing my family hurts to much that I can't bear it.  Last week I was able to see my two boys and I tried my best to convince Merle to meet my new self but she will not allow it. I am disappointed but it is what it is but I will not give up in hoping that one day she will understand and allow me to be myself around the kids. I don't know what to say about my two daughters as I do not know what the future will hold about them. For now I am going to do my best not to give up hope that some day it will happen.

A new job and a new house will be another goal for me to go for in my future. I love my kids and miss them very much but I hope they will change their ways and see me for who I am.

KC is correct I am a survivor, still learning and exploring my new realm. I will accomplish my goals maybe it will take some time but I feel confident. Until the next time.