April 21st
April 21st will be five years since Jeff was given his wings. When I try to think about how i lived every day of the past five years without my firstborn son my mind will not allow me to go there. Instead those thoughts are replaced with pictures. Flashes of faces of beautiful women. I wish I could list you all here but if I did I would leave someone out and never forgive myself. Instead of listing you like I really, really want to do I can only tell you that you know who you are. I want to thank each and every one of you for every kind word, thought and prayer that you have sent me through this horrible journey. Without you I would.....YIKES! I cannot go there either. I love you.
I am putting an excellent green smiley face here today even though I am crying to hard to type (almost) because I refuse to be the sad person I think I am supposed to be. From here on out I will be happy.
I am putting an excellent green smiley face here today even though I am crying to hard to type (almost) because I refuse to be the sad person I think I am supposed to be. From here on out I will be happy.
Replies
This is a journey we are all thankful to take with our sisters here...I don\'t know how I would have survived without the love and understanding that pours from the hearts of the women here. You are held in gentle hands and I send love and light to your heart forever! Hugs, Amber
Oh my, Amber siad everything so bautifully and I so agree.. ((hugs)) Nora
I love you!
Interesting to me that you wrote this yesterday, and yesterday the strong remembrance of some very powerful words filled my mind and my heart once again. It\'s a story I\'ve told over and over, but feel bears repeating here once again because of your sentence....\"I refuse to be the sad person I think I am supposed to be\". LONG before Kala\'s accident, while watching Oprah, I ABSORBED something Dr. Phil said to a grieving mother......\"the length of time spend mourning does not measure the amount of love felt. She (he said her name, but I don\'t remember it...sadly) died one horrible night, but she LIVED 18 years\". It struck a cord with me and stayed with me, rooted deep in my soul. Then, the unthinkable happened, my precious daughter, almost 18, left her body. A mere three weeks later I stood before family and friends to celebrate her 18th birthday and with the power from those words Dr. Phil spoke filling my being I said, \"We are here to celebrate Kala\'s life. She died one night, but she lived 17 years, 11 months, 7 days, 14 hours, and 19 minutes. We must smile and celebrate her life\".
I don\'t know if we can proclaim that from here on out we will be happy. But I do KNOW we can accept that life is life...full of joys and heartaches; good, bad, and ugly....and we CAN and we MUST LIVE it to the fullest. Cry when crying is needed. But laugh and smile and love and live with as much gusto and reality as the tears we cry.
YOU are one of the many beautiful women in my life who has helped me heal and SEE life again as not only a possibility, but as my reality if I so choose it.
I choose life! I choose to share life with you!
It is Lisa\'s birthday on the 20th. She would be 40. It is hard. As will the 21st for you. I will be celebrating Lisa in Paris. I wish she could be with us in body as well as spirit. I am thankful every day knowing I am not alone. Thanks to FMO, I can smile, and cry and just be.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Teri said it beautifully. Sending you my love and tight hugs my friend! Diane
And again you and Teri teach me through your words and huge hearts. I love you.
Colleen, I often am sorry for the person who was me (which is different from saying that I feel sorry for myself, if you know what I mean). I have such sorrow for that person (me) who cried so much that she thought there would surely be gulleys in her cheeks. Who stopped bothering to wipe them away and just let them fall because there were too many. Who was so lost. With no family support, I so desperately needed to find someone \"like me\". And I found you guys! I love what Teri wrote because lately, I am going through this thing where I am feeling happy and moving on and WOW, does that bring on a whole new set of feelings...I needed to hear that the length of time spent mourning does not equal the love felt. There has been so many of you who have journeyed with me and like you, there is no way I could ever list or thank. I have shared and learned different things with/from others on an individual basis. You give me hope and you know why. I love you, my sweet friend. See you soon.
Love and light to you precious Colleen. I know what you mean about what we have here on FMO. This path is bearable because of each of YOU.
Love to you and your beloved Jeff... celebrated today by me and in the ones to come of that you can be certain.
Love YOU!
Joanie