April 2008

April 2ndWarning: Full rant ahead, mostly just for my benefit and documentation, without regard to whoever might be reading.  Feel free to skip. I can't believe I actually said those words. In anger, in the heat of the moment, with justifiable rage, but I actually said them. Not like it will change anything likely. What happened to the control I used to have? For fucking God's sake, he took my daughter away, again. He refused to leave, then when I got things ready to go to eat out with her, just the two of us, because he was such as asshole and when it came to the point that I needed to get her, he went outside, getting away from me, and refused to give her to me so we could go eat dinner. He said he would go out to eat with us but there was no way in hell he was going to let me be alone with her. He acted like I was going to hurt her, my own daughter! He has taken my own daughter from me and I am powerless to get her. All I could think of was how he has no freakin right to regulate whether I see my daughter or not and to keep her from me because of his imagination or spite. I hate myself for not being about to take her away, so in rage, or attempt to get control of the situation, to make it so this would never happen again I said those words. "I want a divorce". Like I said he never takes anything I say seriously, why should he now? Fuck, and what the hell I am doing here writing instead of going after her? I can't create a public scene. I can't put her through trying to physically get her. What did she ever do to deserve this? How can I protect her? Shit, I haven't even prepared the financial documents or even visited a lawyer like I had planned before saying those words. I am just throwing wind into the wind with no recourse. I knew that the moment the pregnancy test came back, three and a half weeks after conception, that this would happen. I knew it all along. Why did I not do anything about it? I tried. Even though I am mostly 100% against it, I even considered abortion, only to have my life threatened if I ever went through with it. I just can't shake the feeling of powerlessness, of hating myself for not being able to create a better world for my daughter. Divorce would kill just about everything, including her good daycare, easy going life, and pretty comfortable surroundings for a two year old. I can't condone this, though... I have once... but again?? It makes me wonder if he will just return to his old ways again.. he is doing this for the better good, restricting me so that I can't move, leave, only now it isn't physical, it is emotional, and with Lydia as a power chip. And I allowed this to happen. This is just my rant. On the other hand I am sure you have been a least a little curious about the 'stuff'. I most likely won't get sleep tonight, which is unfortunate. If he dares to be alone with me, a fight is sure to ensue, and if it doesn't I know he truly has no regard for me whatsoever. I am scared... that I can't follow up and leave even if I need to and want to. I just had to get it out to achieve any level of functionality. I hope you are not offended, put down, I don't want pity, heck I don't even want someone to get mad about this. What do I want? Another life would be nice. Good night.April 5thI have this latent expectation that whenever someone makes a mess, they clean it up thoroughly, like putting dishes in the dishwasher, wiping counters, that sort of thing. I have tried, to teach that to Lydia. I have given up at home, but about half the time I will have the energy to follow that and then clean up at least one more thing on top of that so that I slowly make a dent without overwhelming myself. So when it seems like I have really low housework expectations, lol, like the inside of my car, I really don't, but I just either can't, or get depressed doing it because I know I have two people working against me and I don't have the time or energy to constantly pick up after everyone. Then, the other maintenance stuff becomes so much easier and can be done on a regular schedule, flexibly and shared, like cleaning the bathroom (ick!!) Of course, I have cleaned bathrooms at Jenks, which is an office/truck stop, which is horrid!! But, I always had this philosophy that the easy stuff should be like, ok I'll do it for 6 months, you do it, or every other. Most specialized stuff like changing the oil might be permanently delegated, depending totally on whole can and will do it, but the other able to step in if they see that it needs done. And that whole attitude, like even if it isn't your job, if you see it needs done, or say the 'schedule' says it needs done... do it! I have always found I do twice as much work when I think that someone else is pulling along with me and often surpass the amount of work they do! lol. When I see teamwork, then I get in moods like cooking fancy dinners, or planning an outing, or spending a day just making a mess because I know that it won't be there forever, or making a mud puddle outside and sending Lydia out there lol!!! At home, obviously this is a huge issue and has become a battleground in most regards. He even wanted to get a maid, like I really want someone else in the house because he would not budge in cleaning certain areas of the house. If I truly was overwhelmed, ok, but because of laziness and inability to work together?? Heck, no. Besides, I know my mom has this sort of independent business going on where she cleans houses and has done so since I was a little girl, and the stories she used to tell about other people who did that stuff... a reason she does it for herself.  April 8thSo tonight was rough, I made dinner, it was good! Pecans, chix, peppers, soy sauce, ginger, and some other stuff with brown rice. We even used chopsticks and got video of Lydia trying! Then, it was downhill. Movie, we didn't get through it all before bedtime, she didn't want to see me, shower or bath, I had to literally pry her from daddy, then this: I hate it when I have just spent a half hour sitting in the bathroom, cold after the shower, telling Lydia that she needs to pick up her shirt. Then the knock comes, and then twice more, then I'm reminded it's 8:00. Then, I tell Lydia that that means that if we don't pick up the shirt we aren't going to have any time for stories. Then I hear, "No!". Great, some unified front. Thankfully she picked up her shirt finally, only after daddy was there. In the meanwhile, she's crying, he's blaming me, and all I think about is how he never once asks her to do something and then follows through on it that I know of. When I ask her to do something within reason for her age, I want her to do it, and I am willing to spend the time to make sure she does it. It is emotionally terrible as it is to remain unemotional as she sits there either trying to bite (then we have the what do we bite talk), or crying, or trying to act cute, or trying to get away. (I must say though, that she looked at the necklace I was wearing and said "Seahorse!". She is very creative!). It feels like I am torturing her, even though I know that this most definitely is not the case. I also know that it is going to get worse, so winning over the respect early is essential. Arg. enforcing without alienating, loving without being permissive, enduring the trials without getting really mad or acting on that anger, parenting is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my situation, and that includes fights and past history. It doesn't help that it is set up so that I get no fun time with her during the week. I have to make dinner, so he plays with her and she does what she wants. I do the washing and teeth and pj's, he reads books and talk about the day, I clean, he drags all the toys back out again, neglecting to put any of them away. When am I supposed to connect with her? When am I going balance the 'listen to mommy' with 'fun with mommy'? God, it makes me want to cry because I have brought this issue up and I was told that there was no way I could read books to her at night and he do the other stuff.. no alternating, or alternating who does the whole rountine, or whatever.. This sucks.  April 12thSo, I think someone has an ulterior motive because the house is cleaned for family night, and I was just allowed a nap from 1 to 4. *ok, so I should just be thankful and accept it as is... * But, he has been extra nice since that last fight, plus particularly forward since last night. I wish I could just think that nice things like this could happen just because we like/love each other, or because we want to be nice to each other... oh well. How does one explain that they are just not interested in any physical contact because of the relationship, especially from several remarks made throughout the day, while they are touching you? grr. oh well, I will be nice, I will be nice. After all it's family night! and we are having grilled salmon! :).  My massive to do list is growing (ick, I have being going through that down phase again, where I don't really feel like doing anything...) I suppose I should be working on it. I have been thinking about one other thing. You know how sometimes you/we say "it is what it is" ? I may be off base in saying this, if so I am sorry, especially since I know the frustration and giving up in saying something, but something I have been starting to tell myself is that it doesn't have to be this way. Last night for instance, I was dead tired, so I just begged off, but I should have said there and then exactly what I was thinking and exactly why I did not want to be touched. For god's sake we haven't said a word about the last fight and it looks like he isn't going to. This makes it seem like, again, what I said doesn't matter, it was just a statement, wind, and that I can't have any real impact on my world around me, which isn't right. The other side of that is being afraid of bringing it up which is understandable. Then being shot down numerous times today, and foolishly I suppose, I was asking how far it was from New York to Baltimore, because it looks like... maybe, just maybe... Lars is going to be in New York a day or two the same as I am going to be in Baltimore. It would be like an hour and a half for us both to meet in the middle and have lunch at least. I think that was the second time I heard the very emphatic no. The other side of that one is he hates his guts. I so want to see him though, even for a couple minutes! I may not like his lifestyle or how he handles women, but I knew him before he ever was anything he is today.  Since I have known you I have been much less tolerant of Scott ignoring my "no's". Before I actually once in the dark was crying because I knew I was pushed into having sex when I didn't want to, that doesn't include the numerous times afterwards in private. Now, I actually will get out of bed to sleep on the couch now if he doesn't stop instead of giving in. I have been more open about why as well, not that it really matters, it is the same thing I have said before, but it does seem to fall on deaf ears (the scratch versus flames?).   So how did we get here? Where does it go from here? I keep asking myself, will I ever be brave enough to break the security that Lydia has and push us into a world of uncertainty.. I have even thought if I can only wait until she is out of day care so that I don't have to worry about her during the day, then we could live alone. My track record isn't good. But, we are always changing right? April 20thAfter some tense moments, I was left alone, but then only to be revisited with the movie that I had ordered from netflix.  So today was an interesting day for me. First, I was dead tired in the beginning from all the interrupted sleep last night, plus I got up about 6:30 or so. I lazed in bed for the better part of the morning though... until 10.. because he took her and then I got her after that. I don't know what is up with me though. Seriously, for the first time since January I am finding myself sliding a little further than apathy. I was sorting through some of Lydia's toys and I was getting so angry, and depressed at the same time. Then there was the side effects from starting the pill instead of the ring contraception. Ick!! I also just felt, justified or not, that I was alone and that to create a well functioning household I had an overwhelming impossible weight on my shoulders and I knew that I could never match up, have the determination and energy required to turn things around. One issue from the beginning was that I have a huge issue with treating Scott as if I was his mom. I know it's a common thing. He wanted me to tell him to do things.. chores.. fix dinners. etc. etc. even refused to pack lunches unless I did them. So I hated telling him what to do, especially those things that he should know already! Yet, if I didn't nothing got done. then when I did, of course it had to be decided if it was worthy listening to, and if I pushed too hard, I was a nag. An impossible deadlock and I hated every minute of it. Nowadays I just check out. Then I read this article today about a woman very much like me when I got married, who succeeded in getting a house where the work is shared, but man, I don't have what it takes to do what she did. Then, to make matters worse, I just didn't like her overall tone. So I have that dragging on me, seeing Lydia and my concern for her this weekend, wanting to make things better, the barbs that get traded back and forth all day, then of course because of my mood I just didn't feel like eating, which isn't good for the energy level. There were some up moments though, dancing to "Johnny B Goode" with Lydia, chasing her, dinner was actually ok. Scott had the revelation that today we have been dating/engaged/married for 100 months. So we went to Outback. Of course, I was thinking about the time you told me about that you went and Theo was peeking over the booth at another kid. The food was pretty good. Lydia was singing all sorts of songs and even tried to get a conversation with the waiter. she put her napkin on her lap , and spit food into it when she needed to! She was a little star. Then the ride home... it was past bedtime, but Scott wanted to see where I worked (he doesn't really know where for sure), but I wanted to get home, so I got grief for that, then the bedtime thing and how much he hates alternating nights, and then not wanting to miss time with Lydia. I had to say something at that point. After all, when do I get see her? He sees her every morning and it pains me that I only see her two mornings out of the week. I actually had a tear at that point. Then home, bedtime, I'm still in the choking back emotion mode, and I get to bed with my laptop to finish picture transfers. He comes in to talk about something, I don't remember what, and it comes up, being brave for me, I mention that Megan hasn't subletted her condo for the summer and she will be giving me the keys. I also mention that I may live there for a couple months. Of course the next questions is "Why?" and I just say "I think you know why". That starts off in a whole nother direction and it takes him a half hour before he will leave me in peace. Although I think that it finally scared him into actually going to set up a counseling appointment. None of this is new. I really dread going now. I was the one who dragged him there, and now, I have been giving up faith in counslers lol. It's always "What is the problem? I don't see the problem", and "The last counseling was all about getting you to communicate better" Don't even get me started on that subject. So, in a sense, I think I made a step, but in what direction I really don't know.  For us, living in that condo this summer would be unbelievable.  However, I don't know how it will work with work and Lydia. I would most likely see her every afternoon, get dinner with her, and then have daddy take her home to bed. I don't know about weekends.. family night.. I hate how personal issues affect so many people in our lives. I think I talked about this before, how we don't live in a vacuum and what we say and do have consequences on the people around us no matter how innocuous. Just like the habits, fights, attitudes I know Lydia is already picking up.   April 21stSo, unfortunately last night didn't end after I went to bed. lol! Oh well. I think it was after midnight sometime when I looked at the clock after tossing and turning. Then, he had to get stuff off his chest, not yelling don't worry, but it is that same old cycle, being sorry, nice, and wanting to save this which will go on for a while, then the little things will build up again until there is an explosion again, the aftermath, and the the denial so things will be nice again. I wish I could take apologies at face value, I hate being on guard so much, but suffice it to say, I always have to take the "time will tell" approach with has strung me along this far. At least I was able to weaken the stance that if he don't remember it, it didn't happen.  So, enough of that.  As far as the Scott thing, I really am mentally/emotionally exhausted, so for now.. I am going to pretend it doesn't exist. I just can't do that in the real world for long because that is how we got so built up with problems in the first place. But for now, lol, I think I will be on a slight writing hiatus.  April 22ndOk, the mom’d thing… in my experience, some women just are great with that. For me, it was a huge turn off with Scott. It made me sick. Perhaps it was the degree of which it occurred, or that newly married we were trying to get a home working and it was like he was dropping the ball. (or throwing it at me expecting to catch it 100% of the time.) I expected a partner, and I felt like I had another thing/person to worry about all the time instead. Sometimes, isn’t the same there is a difference between a way of life and just needing pampered every now and then. It has been many ‘heavy’ thoughts lol. That is one indicator of a couple things for me. One, I have to be careful that the depression isn’t coming back (apparently one thing is that you become too introspective), or two, I am taking too much on at a time to deal with in my relationships and it starts getting overwhelming, or three, I have too much thinking time (I’m not voting for this one).  That said, I know we have mentioned before, when my inlaws were in town, about the good times and how suspicious I am of them. Perhaps you are right, but it feels like I would have to play the absolute fool to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, I did it for 6 or more of the last 8 years. Maybe he didn’t know what he was doing when he cornered me, or it was just a fluke that I had to claw his face to get off of me, perhaps he didn’t really mean what he said about not wanting Lydia to be like me and that he is waiting for me to leave. Who knows? Maybe he will change his outlook and attitude in life and appreciate me work, even support me. Or maybe he will realize that sex isn’t his right, but something we give each other? That way I won’t be told that I am selfish for not at least pleasing him, even if I get nothing out of it.  Maybe I am in the wrong, maybe I shouldn’t harbor such intense anger and resentment, in fact, it is a lot less than it used to be if you can imagine that. Perhaps that is half the problem that I can’t let go of the past because of the continued barbs in the present.  Yes, he does things that say he wants to make it work but I have seen this distinction. Does he want it to work for his idea of family and perfect life, getting rid of conflict … or (something I have started doubting a while ago) does he want to make it work because he actually wants to be with me, and who I have changed to be? J So thank you for not telling me what to do, lol, it is a good change. Thank you for your encouragement as well. Hopelessness, a well known companion, but like a friend who is a bad influence, I hope to see less and less of that. But again, with kids lol, a certain amount will be guaranteed. It would be easier if things were all bad or good though wouldn’t they?But compromise doesn’t mean you giving up what you really want, it’s finding a way to accommodate it, How can I express enough that the fear of the artificial and forced is exactly what I have always been afraid of? So here is my experience. It will feel that way, and I am guessing from what I have heard that it will for a while until there are new ‘habits’ established that allow certain types of communication to be natural. Sex, however, is not something I feel should be that way. It is simply the fallout of the new connections you make through the communication. Does that make sense? And in this case, you aren’t ‘just being a guy’, it’s a girl thing too. The living apart would be a trial separation thing, but not legally. I have already for a long time brought up the idea of applying for teaching jobs in Ohio for the fall, and having parents help out with Lydia, and he would work on his dissertation (last year of grad school). It made a lot of sense, separation, see family, half the child care costs, I already have an Ohio license, etc.. but again, shot down cold. The couple months would be a breather, and I am guessing Lydia would work like this: Scott would get her for bedtime, because he has to take her to daycare. I would pick her up and have dinner with her and all that. Then on the weekends, depending, I would get her Friday evening through Saturday evening and then he would get her all day Sunday and Sunday night. It is a lot of bouncing around, but I think it could work because she won’t be doing much more car riding than otherwise. Coming home at the end of the story is a huge concern.. I just don’t know. Plus, if she technically still stays with him, that weakens my stance for custody.  When it comes to other peoples versions of your (or mine) relationships, it is almost laughing hysterical, but in the ironic, not funny way. If I had a dime for every time someone said how perfect Scott and I were and how lucky I was, hell I wouldn't be working. People would come for advice, make comments like "well, you'll never have to worry about that" or "What are you complaining about?". It was to a point that I didn't want to disrupt that imagine, another reason why I kept quiet for so long about what really was going on. As part of 'educating' myself to recognize where to set boundries, I read a lot of stuff and one thing I really remember is the worst men at home typically are the most outstanding members of the community, able to 'woo' people to their cause or to believe them above say me. How silly that something would be wrong, look how great it is. Then there is the other side of the coin like what you are talking about. I guess you can really never know unless you ask. That opens another can of worms though. Once I started talking about my relationship with Scott, people have expectations, my sister when I went home last (mind you she is the most tactless person I know and prone to drama) first thing she asks me is if I was getting divorced yet. Arg!! She probably already has prospects lined up! lol. If counseling does bring it to the point of "I didn't know it was that bad", well then you can work from that up instead of pretending you are further up the mountain while the river is carving out the rock from underneath you.