April 1st

Well it's the beginning of the first day of a new month. But what is this new month going to have in store for me. I wonder, but so far I have been trying to find something to fill the void that is deep in my heart. Pretty much I am trying to find someone as I will not go back to my wife. I just want a divorce from her so I can move on but she is holding the last string she has on me. I just don't know why she won't let go. She gets mad at when I tell her the things I do like I tell her I am glad that I no longer have to take public transportation but she tells me how nice sarcastically, I guess she envy of me because I have done a lot for myself. But sometimes I feel like I have made a mistake, leaving my family transitioning into a female and having my bottom surgery. Sometimes I feel lost that I regret doing this transitioning and sometimes I don't feel the regrets. Why am I feeling this way I am tired, when I am at work I am fighting with myself in keeping focus and keeping my cool. I am starting to lose self control, crying and wondering what have I done to myself. I am losing grip with myself. I just visited my two boys only to find out or I believe that Robert didn't have a doctors appoint at Will's Eye hospital this past month. I would ask what did the doctors say and all she said was that they need to run tests on him. I told her that I still care about our kids and for her but I feel that all I am just getting a was a door being slammed in the face. When she starts yelling at me about me leaving and trashing my family on Facebook which I know I haven't done but she is still going to believe in what she believes even though I know that it is not true. But she is who she is. Which draws me to thinking will she ever change and me knowing that she will never change. I even went a little far asking Angie how things were going in Chi but she was being honest with me that she wouldn't be able to give me the same hours that I am getting here in New Jersey and the other factor would be my pay I would be making more than a shift manager and I can not be one currently because of my felony charge is still currently active. I did run this by with my therapist as K.C. explained that I would be able to attend the group sessions on Tues and Wed but to look for a place in Delaware, But do I want to live in Delaware, it's something to look into and it will make me close to my family but is it worth it, I just don't know.