April 19, 2020

It has been a year of uncertinty, The longest posting ever created, it will sadden everyone's heart if they read this.

As of April 19, 2020

I hope and pray that I will hear this word "NEGATIVE" to come out of my wife's mouth.

April 19, 2020

It has been an unusual month for me as we continue to live in a sort of quarantine in this country. So far I have been safe at home not being infected by the virus, but sometimes I do get frightened when I go out to the doctors office or to go food shopping which has been frightening experience in its self. Having to wear a face mask being out in public buildings, to keep from getting the virus myself, its like living in a horror movie in its self. But you often wonder is this virus part of a elaborate plan to eliminate some of the worlds population I wouldn't be surprised. I often wonder what my father is thinking these days. So far I have not reached out to him in fear of my wife merle will find out as you know somehow women have their ways of finding out things.

Things were going smoothly until now when I received news from my wife that she might have contracted the disease it self. Minuet by minuet I am thinking if she does what is going to happen to her and my 2 boys  vanne and Robert with their immune system being compromised. They are more acceptable in getting the virus themselves. I am afraid for them and their mother as I am nowhere near them to take care of them if they catch the virus but as I am well aware of the situation if merle passes away then I lose all rights to my 2 boys to my daughters. Due to the fact that I am considered a no fit parent due to my lifestyle of being a transfemale, what is a person to do in this situation. I try to keep reminding myself that the test results are not in yet but the uncertainty looms all around me as I think about it and break down in tears thinking about the unforgettable results. If merle passes away due to this virus I am going to hate myself for not being there for her and my two boys. As the uncertainty continues to escalate I was made to promise her not to say anything to the girls about the situation at hand. But when the test does come back with the ill-fated news of being positive the chance of merle surviving this deadly disease are slim to none with all her previous medical condition I have been hearing that hardly anyone survives, I just hope and pray that her tests will come back negative so the guilt will not overcome me. One thought keeps haunting me is how will I ever live with myself if merle has contracted the virus. As I will see the hatred come out of all my remaining children reflected upon me. I can hear them now , " why have I abandoned our family, it was just because I wanted to become a female!! I can hear it now,

I still love her as I will not denied it but the truth is I could not stay and put up with the abuse of her yelling at me why have I not looked for a better job. Which made me feel helpless everyday, with the fact being that I have a felony charge against me that has been keeping me from landing good paying job. Even though I had employers wanting to hire me into management only to find out that I couldn't land the job with a background. I wish I was lying but the only words that came from her was what game am I playing as she never believed a word I said. I felt ashamed of myself because of something that was beyond my control. My major problem was that I never stood up for myself but even if I did I was only threatened back.

The only thing I can do now is to play out the waiting game in finding out the end results of her test, I hope and pray that it turns up Negative. I am afraid for her and for my two boys Robert and Vanne.

This has been the longest entry that I have made so far and I hope the outcome will be overcome with joy of hearing the words the test came out negative.

I hope and pray to find out and to hear those words.