Approved for Surgery
So I visited Dr Huynh on Wednesday last. The good news is that I have been approved for surgery for which I am truly grateful.
It was not an easy appointment for me, though. As I said earlier, when I hit a BMI of 40 this past August and I thought I would never be called by the GBS teams, I decided to start Atkins. It was extremely upsetting because I knew it would only be a short term solution and the weight would come back in spades once I decided to leave Induction.
I'm sure you all know what it's like to reach a weight when you can't properly wipe your butt. I had that as well as higher blood pressure and hurting joints and back pain (osteoarthritis). My heart was having palpitations daily (probably as a result of stress).
I did lose weight. I got down to a BMI just shy of 35. And then I got notice I was called to meet with the GBS team, my first step to actual surgery.
I'm not proud that I stuffed myself crazy the past two weeks on all types of things I normally wouldn't eat in order to get my BMI to 35.
So when I met with the surgeon this week, the first thing i had to do was get on the scale. My BMI was 36 point something.
The surgeon said I was in the grey area for surgery because the BMI was low and my co-morbidities weren't really bad (like diabetes).
I broke down at that point seeing this being taken away from me when if I had not lost weight, I would be a shoe-in.
What really was bad was my husband was there in the appt with me and he knows nothing about all those personal things that occur when you gain weight. I told the dr about what had happened and I tried to say "And I couldn't even..." I wanted to say wipe my butt but I couldn't with my husband there. I tried a few times to get it out and I couldn't, I just cried more.
I think the dr understood what I was trying to say. He went on to say that since I had been up to 40 that made me qualify, and that it was good to lose weight pre-surgery.
The emotion of that point when I was trying to tell about those most private things has remained with me. Even now, I want to cry about how bad it was this past summer. I'm really good at bottling up emotion but now that this one is out, it is hard to get it back under control.
I know it's time to move forward. I am grateful I get to have the surgery. It's just hard to face the emotional issues that result from weight gain. It overshadows my joy at getting closer to surgery.
Part of me feels like a failure.
It was not an easy appointment for me, though. As I said earlier, when I hit a BMI of 40 this past August and I thought I would never be called by the GBS teams, I decided to start Atkins. It was extremely upsetting because I knew it would only be a short term solution and the weight would come back in spades once I decided to leave Induction.
I'm sure you all know what it's like to reach a weight when you can't properly wipe your butt. I had that as well as higher blood pressure and hurting joints and back pain (osteoarthritis). My heart was having palpitations daily (probably as a result of stress).
I did lose weight. I got down to a BMI just shy of 35. And then I got notice I was called to meet with the GBS team, my first step to actual surgery.
I'm not proud that I stuffed myself crazy the past two weeks on all types of things I normally wouldn't eat in order to get my BMI to 35.
So when I met with the surgeon this week, the first thing i had to do was get on the scale. My BMI was 36 point something.
The surgeon said I was in the grey area for surgery because the BMI was low and my co-morbidities weren't really bad (like diabetes).
I broke down at that point seeing this being taken away from me when if I had not lost weight, I would be a shoe-in.
What really was bad was my husband was there in the appt with me and he knows nothing about all those personal things that occur when you gain weight. I told the dr about what had happened and I tried to say "And I couldn't even..." I wanted to say wipe my butt but I couldn't with my husband there. I tried a few times to get it out and I couldn't, I just cried more.
I think the dr understood what I was trying to say. He went on to say that since I had been up to 40 that made me qualify, and that it was good to lose weight pre-surgery.
The emotion of that point when I was trying to tell about those most private things has remained with me. Even now, I want to cry about how bad it was this past summer. I'm really good at bottling up emotion but now that this one is out, it is hard to get it back under control.
I know it's time to move forward. I am grateful I get to have the surgery. It's just hard to face the emotional issues that result from weight gain. It overshadows my joy at getting closer to surgery.
Part of me feels like a failure.
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