Approaching Holidays
The holidays are always hard on me. Most years, I find myself back in with my therapist around October - sometimes as early as September - discussing how to manage my expectations and keep my anxiety and depression at bay.
Last year, I felt "under control" - happy even. There were stresses in our lives - as always, right? - but I felt like I was doing pretty well. I was deep in various projects related to volunteering, I was wrapping up the first year of my podcast show, and I was (mostly) over grieving for my father who had passed Christmas Eve the year before.
Then came DDay - Dec. 5.
Awesome timing.
It's more than just December, though.
I already struggle - living so far away from extended family and friends, holidays are difficult and sometimes very lonely/sad. H usually works holidays. (In fact, until recent years he ALWAYS worked every holiday.) It's usually just been the kids and I. Last year was an opportunity to invest in the family, and instead, H invested in the OW.
H. has Halloween off this year. He will be able to be with us. And I don't even care. I don't want to celebrate. The kids are older, so they probably won't care. In fact, my oldest two are perfectly capable of going out and doing their own thing, if they so choose (and probably would be happier that way) and even my youngest is a tad old for getting terribly invested in the holiday. Maybe if they were younger and it were more important to them, I'd force myself to invest, but instead, I just don't care.
I don't want to be reminded that there were plans in motion to leave me on Nov. 1 of last year and on Oct. 29 the OW was begging/pleading H to come over and spend time together with her. She wanted him to lie to not just me (I mean, geeze, who cares about lying to ME, right?) but also to his work so that he could spend the night with her. I don't want to be reminded that the "plan" was to have "one last Halloween with the kids" then to bail on us. (He swears that was HER plan, not his, but who cares whose plan it was?)
I don't want to celebrate Thanksgiving. Yes - I have a lot to be thankful for - but I also have a lot to be resentful for and I'm not sure how to move past that. H won't have Thanksgiving off. I don't want to be reminded that he spent all night on Thanksgiving texting HER and not calling and talking to his wife or kids or texting us.
I don't want to celebrate his birthday and be reminded of how he was texting her instead of celebrating with us. I don't want to be reminded that I tired to plan a romantic birthday weekend for just the two of us and he turned me down opting instead for a "family vacation" - most likely because he knew the OW would freak out to know that he and I were spending romantic time together. (And maybe because he didn't want to feel like he was cheating on HER! How fucked is that?)
I don't want to manage my way through early December - a reminder not only of DDay, but of all the loss and sorrow from OTHER non related things that occurred last year at that time. He is a fucktard when it comes to planning celebrations, so I know that he's going to drop the ball on my birthday - it happens every year and is part of the reason I GO TO FREAKING COUNSELING every year just before the holidays. But for him to drop the ball this year... crushing.
He's offered to buy me expensive gifts. I told him I wanted to get away with him just the two of us. He has not made reservations or plans as of yet. Yes, it's still a little early (I guess?) but we have the money to put in reservations now, so why not plan ahead so he can reassure me that he's not going to just let another birthday blow by without recognition?
Christmas. God. Every year I make a HUGE deal over Christmas. One year, H threw out ALL of my Christmas stuff during a summer cleaning frenzy. He just randomly threw out boxes rather than check what was in them. I was *devastated*. It took all I had (and a LOT of support from friends near and far) to recover from that and want to bother with Christmas decorating and celebrating after that. But I managed. Now? I don't even want to see a decoration. Usually, the second decorations come out in stores, I'm like a kid in the candy store ogling every shiny sparkling decoration. This year? I avoid the Christmas department like the plague.
I hate that I have let all this take what little joy remained from the holidays. I hate that H very specifically took 3 weeks off in Dec. for my birthday/Christmas and insisted we'd do something, but has made no efforts in that area. I hate that when I finally brought it up to him this morning, his whole attitude was, "OK, well, do what you want."
I know he's nervous and scared and doesn't want to do it "wrong" but doing NOTHING is more wrong than doing the "wrong" thing - whatever that may be. I know he is just trying to please me, but for me to plan my own birthday without any input from him? Great, thanks for investing dude.
I know. I know. I really need to pinpoint which triggers are going to be most upsetting and avoid them if possible. I know that sending the kids off on their own for Halloween adventures is prudent and planning something for H and I to do by ourselves will alleviate a lot of issue. I wish he would plan with me, but it's important to ME not to HIM, so that means I have to initiate or it's not going to happen.
I also know that in regards to birthday stuff, it's just about communicating to him exactly what I need from him. Logically, if I say, "I just wanted to remind you that it would be super nice to go out of town for my birthday," and if I let him know that I'm a worry wart and would like to know what we're doing in advance and that reservations have been made so I can relax and just anticipate having fun, he'll be more inclined to get on it. And, if necessary, it'll open the dialog so he can ask questions or let me know if he's unsure of what I was expecting.
Logically.
Emotionally, I guess I'm stuck in a crappy "the holidays suck" pity party for myself and I don't know how to bump myself out of it.
Yes. I hear you. "So go back to your counselor?"
And maybe now I could. Before it would have not been productive - if anything, I think I would have been more agitated and upset. But now, I probably could drag my butt in. The depression and anxiety are kicking my butt and I just have this overwhelming sense of, "Why bother?" "Who cares?" "It doesn't matter."
One friend suggested just letting the next few months be "regular" months and not making issue of any holidays - just for this year. She seemed to think if I can just have a "normal" year where no one dies, no one is cheating, etc. that I can get back to good next year.
I just don't know.
Last year, I felt "under control" - happy even. There were stresses in our lives - as always, right? - but I felt like I was doing pretty well. I was deep in various projects related to volunteering, I was wrapping up the first year of my podcast show, and I was (mostly) over grieving for my father who had passed Christmas Eve the year before.
Then came DDay - Dec. 5.
Awesome timing.
It's more than just December, though.
I already struggle - living so far away from extended family and friends, holidays are difficult and sometimes very lonely/sad. H usually works holidays. (In fact, until recent years he ALWAYS worked every holiday.) It's usually just been the kids and I. Last year was an opportunity to invest in the family, and instead, H invested in the OW.
H. has Halloween off this year. He will be able to be with us. And I don't even care. I don't want to celebrate. The kids are older, so they probably won't care. In fact, my oldest two are perfectly capable of going out and doing their own thing, if they so choose (and probably would be happier that way) and even my youngest is a tad old for getting terribly invested in the holiday. Maybe if they were younger and it were more important to them, I'd force myself to invest, but instead, I just don't care.
I don't want to be reminded that there were plans in motion to leave me on Nov. 1 of last year and on Oct. 29 the OW was begging/pleading H to come over and spend time together with her. She wanted him to lie to not just me (I mean, geeze, who cares about lying to ME, right?) but also to his work so that he could spend the night with her. I don't want to be reminded that the "plan" was to have "one last Halloween with the kids" then to bail on us. (He swears that was HER plan, not his, but who cares whose plan it was?)
I don't want to celebrate Thanksgiving. Yes - I have a lot to be thankful for - but I also have a lot to be resentful for and I'm not sure how to move past that. H won't have Thanksgiving off. I don't want to be reminded that he spent all night on Thanksgiving texting HER and not calling and talking to his wife or kids or texting us.
I don't want to celebrate his birthday and be reminded of how he was texting her instead of celebrating with us. I don't want to be reminded that I tired to plan a romantic birthday weekend for just the two of us and he turned me down opting instead for a "family vacation" - most likely because he knew the OW would freak out to know that he and I were spending romantic time together. (And maybe because he didn't want to feel like he was cheating on HER! How fucked is that?)
I don't want to manage my way through early December - a reminder not only of DDay, but of all the loss and sorrow from OTHER non related things that occurred last year at that time. He is a fucktard when it comes to planning celebrations, so I know that he's going to drop the ball on my birthday - it happens every year and is part of the reason I GO TO FREAKING COUNSELING every year just before the holidays. But for him to drop the ball this year... crushing.
He's offered to buy me expensive gifts. I told him I wanted to get away with him just the two of us. He has not made reservations or plans as of yet. Yes, it's still a little early (I guess?) but we have the money to put in reservations now, so why not plan ahead so he can reassure me that he's not going to just let another birthday blow by without recognition?
Christmas. God. Every year I make a HUGE deal over Christmas. One year, H threw out ALL of my Christmas stuff during a summer cleaning frenzy. He just randomly threw out boxes rather than check what was in them. I was *devastated*. It took all I had (and a LOT of support from friends near and far) to recover from that and want to bother with Christmas decorating and celebrating after that. But I managed. Now? I don't even want to see a decoration. Usually, the second decorations come out in stores, I'm like a kid in the candy store ogling every shiny sparkling decoration. This year? I avoid the Christmas department like the plague.
I hate that I have let all this take what little joy remained from the holidays. I hate that H very specifically took 3 weeks off in Dec. for my birthday/Christmas and insisted we'd do something, but has made no efforts in that area. I hate that when I finally brought it up to him this morning, his whole attitude was, "OK, well, do what you want."
I know he's nervous and scared and doesn't want to do it "wrong" but doing NOTHING is more wrong than doing the "wrong" thing - whatever that may be. I know he is just trying to please me, but for me to plan my own birthday without any input from him? Great, thanks for investing dude.
I know. I know. I really need to pinpoint which triggers are going to be most upsetting and avoid them if possible. I know that sending the kids off on their own for Halloween adventures is prudent and planning something for H and I to do by ourselves will alleviate a lot of issue. I wish he would plan with me, but it's important to ME not to HIM, so that means I have to initiate or it's not going to happen.
I also know that in regards to birthday stuff, it's just about communicating to him exactly what I need from him. Logically, if I say, "I just wanted to remind you that it would be super nice to go out of town for my birthday," and if I let him know that I'm a worry wart and would like to know what we're doing in advance and that reservations have been made so I can relax and just anticipate having fun, he'll be more inclined to get on it. And, if necessary, it'll open the dialog so he can ask questions or let me know if he's unsure of what I was expecting.
Logically.
Emotionally, I guess I'm stuck in a crappy "the holidays suck" pity party for myself and I don't know how to bump myself out of it.
Yes. I hear you. "So go back to your counselor?"
And maybe now I could. Before it would have not been productive - if anything, I think I would have been more agitated and upset. But now, I probably could drag my butt in. The depression and anxiety are kicking my butt and I just have this overwhelming sense of, "Why bother?" "Who cares?" "It doesn't matter."
One friend suggested just letting the next few months be "regular" months and not making issue of any holidays - just for this year. She seemed to think if I can just have a "normal" year where no one dies, no one is cheating, etc. that I can get back to good next year.
I just don't know.
Replies
Hi Allora,
Hillview here.Your feelings of apathy about the coming holidays are completely understandable. It hasn\'t even been a year yet. It must be painful to think of the plans his OW was trying to make this time last year. I think you should just go with it and do what your heart wants. He would (and should understand that things will be different this year. Heaven knows, they ARE different.
If he has any sense he will be planning something to make it up to you BIG TIME this halloween. Unfortunately in my experience, he may not have this much sense! So drop him a massive HINT. Or even spell it out. I know that feeling very well of wishing your partner would initiate. I read what your husband wrote about you in your journal last week and he clearly loves you but he might be crap at planning so give him a big hint and you might end up doing something wonderful together
Don\'t know if it\'s helpful to say this but my stbx is introducing my kids to his new girlfriend this weekend. There was too much water under the bridge to rebuild and the commitment was not there on his side in any case. I envy people who have the chance. Maybe it\'s too early to say \'enjoy those holidays\' but who knows, if he plans something great for you to do together, you might even enjoy them. Enjoy being with the man you love and who loves you. Good Luck.
You\'re right, Hillview. I can\'t even imagine the pain of having my H introduce \"someone else\" to my kids. I know it\'s what happens when couples split up and move on. I realize it\'s just the way things go. Yet - it seems like reopening an old wound. I will be thinking of you this weekend and hoping the very best for you and for your kids.
As for hints - I find they rarely work. But spelling things out pretty directly works most of the time. It\'s always hard for me because if I say, \"We\'re going to go do ___\" he\'s on board. He rarely fights me on it. But in my head, I keep wanting him to be the one to initiate or to come up with ideas of his own. Even getting him to weigh in is hard because he always just says, \"Whatever you want...\" I think I\'m supposed to just be grateful that he\'s willing to go along with whatever I want, but I\'d like to know HE wants something, too.
I don\'t know how I missed this before, so sorry for the late comments. Anyway, I so know how you feel. First of all, have you read The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman? Excellent book for both you and your H to read. It helps you understand how both you and your spouse express and receive love. I can tell by what you wrote that \"Quality Time\" is your love language. In other words, you need your H to spend good, engaged quality time with you for you to feel loves. Gifts are nice, but they do not make you feel loved. I highly recommend this book.
As for your birthday, honey, he\'s a man! You may have to just bite the bullet and gently explain that a nice romantic trip with just the two of you would not only make for a great birthday, but it would also make you feel loved by him (Quality time). It takes time and some retraining for our H\'\'s to finally get a clue sometimes. The book has a website, which is www.5lovelanguages.com. They have a quiz to help you get a fix on what your love language is. You should both do it and then practice the principles of what the love language says. It\'s amazing how true this is!
My love languages are tied between \"Quality Time\" and \"Words of Affirmation.\" I need both equally to feel loved. My H finally gets that. His is so easy, which makes me feel sad that I wasn\'t able to make him feel loved years ago. His are \"Words of Affirmation\" and \"Physical Touch.\" Extra nooky and complimentary texts throughout the day, a few I love you\'s and we\'re golden! lol
I know this sounds trite and silly, but trust me, it works. If you lead by example and give your H love in his language, he\'ll be so ahappy and follow suit. Just try it. Hang in there!
Thanks, and yep, have heard of the 5 languages. My chiropractor brought it up to me a decade ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. Perhaps one of the hardest habits my H and I have to break is giving to each other what each of us wants and not what the other needs. Such a simple concept, but bad habits are hard to break.
So no, definitely not silly. Words of affirmation and physical touch are the same for my huz. I have made a point of making physical contact with him every time we greet or say goodbye, and that alone has made a world of difference in his happiness. He has worked very hard to give me \"conversation\" time, too, since he knows how much I love that.
Mostly... I just need to stop being a spoiled brat wanting him to read my mind. If I just lay it out for him and then acknowledging that him DOING whatever I\'m asking is as much love as him thinking it up in the first place, we\'ll be much better off.
As a quick update: I haven\'t worked up the courage/energy to deal with birthday/Christmas stuff, but with Halloween fast approaching I did broach the subject. I told him how miserable I was over what happened last year this time and told him that I wanted us to go do something special just the two of us without the kids on Halloween. He literally lit up. \"That would be SO great!\"
We haven\'t decided *what* (hey, I\'m all for firebombing a certain someone\'s house as a Halloween \"trick\"!) but even if all we do is go to dinner and a movie, I\'ll be happy.
Sounds like he loves spending time alone with you but he\'s crap at initiating it.
Romance is not his forte, for sure. Heh. I feel like I have to take the lead on everything in that regard. Again - he\'ll go along with anything, but he won\'t initiate on his own.
I saw a movie with my h that\'s in limited release in some theaters across the country. It\'s called \"The Way\" and I have to tell you if you two are planning on going to see a movie, this one is it. It\'s about a father whose son dies in Europe while on a pilgrimage. The father decided to make this pilgrimage on his son\'s behalf. It was touching, and it was a \"safe\" topic to talk about afterwards. Hope your date goes well! And you know what, there\'s always rouen eggs to be tossed, lol!