Approaching Holidays
The holidays are always hard on me. Most years, I find myself back in with my therapist around October - sometimes as early as September - discussing how to manage my expectations and keep my anxiety and depression at bay.
Last year, I felt "under control" - happy even. There were stresses in our lives - as always, right? - but I felt like I was doing pretty well. I was deep in various projects related to volunteering, I was wrapping up the first year of my podcast show, and I was (mostly) over grieving for my father who had passed Christmas Eve the year before.
Then came DDay - Dec. 5.
Awesome timing.
It's more than just December, though.
I already struggle - living so far away from extended family and friends, holidays are difficult and sometimes very lonely/sad. H usually works holidays. (In fact, until recent years he ALWAYS worked every holiday.) It's usually just been the kids and I. Last year was an opportunity to invest in the family, and instead, H invested in the OW.
H. has Halloween off this year. He will be able to be with us. And I don't even care. I don't want to celebrate. The kids are older, so they probably won't care. In fact, my oldest two are perfectly capable of going out and doing their own thing, if they so choose (and probably would be happier that way) and even my youngest is a tad old for getting terribly invested in the holiday. Maybe if they were younger and it were more important to them, I'd force myself to invest, but instead, I just don't care.
I don't want to be reminded that there were plans in motion to leave me on Nov. 1 of last year and on Oct. 29 the OW was begging/pleading H to come over and spend time together with her. She wanted him to lie to not just me (I mean, geeze, who cares about lying to ME, right?) but also to his work so that he could spend the night with her. I don't want to be reminded that the "plan" was to have "one last Halloween with the kids" then to bail on us. (He swears that was HER plan, not his, but who cares whose plan it was?)
I don't want to celebrate Thanksgiving. Yes - I have a lot to be thankful for - but I also have a lot to be resentful for and I'm not sure how to move past that. H won't have Thanksgiving off. I don't want to be reminded that he spent all night on Thanksgiving texting HER and not calling and talking to his wife or kids or texting us.
I don't want to celebrate his birthday and be reminded of how he was texting her instead of celebrating with us. I don't want to be reminded that I tired to plan a romantic birthday weekend for just the two of us and he turned me down opting instead for a "family vacation" - most likely because he knew the OW would freak out to know that he and I were spending romantic time together. (And maybe because he didn't want to feel like he was cheating on HER! How fucked is that?)
I don't want to manage my way through early December - a reminder not only of DDay, but of all the loss and sorrow from OTHER non related things that occurred last year at that time. He is a fucktard when it comes to planning celebrations, so I know that he's going to drop the ball on my birthday - it happens every year and is part of the reason I GO TO FREAKING COUNSELING every year just before the holidays. But for him to drop the ball this year... crushing.
He's offered to buy me expensive gifts. I told him I wanted to get away with him just the two of us. He has not made reservations or plans as of yet. Yes, it's still a little early (I guess?) but we have the money to put in reservations now, so why not plan ahead so he can reassure me that he's not going to just let another birthday blow by without recognition?
Christmas. God. Every year I make a HUGE deal over Christmas. One year, H threw out ALL of my Christmas stuff during a summer cleaning frenzy. He just randomly threw out boxes rather than check what was in them. I was *devastated*. It took all I had (and a LOT of support from friends near and far) to recover from that and want to bother with Christmas decorating and celebrating after that. But I managed. Now? I don't even want to see a decoration. Usually, the second decorations come out in stores, I'm like a kid in the candy store ogling every shiny sparkling decoration. This year? I avoid the Christmas department like the plague.
I hate that I have let all this take what little joy remained from the holidays. I hate that H very specifically took 3 weeks off in Dec. for my birthday/Christmas and insisted we'd do something, but has made no efforts in that area. I hate that when I finally brought it up to him this morning, his whole attitude was, "OK, well, do what you want."
I know he's nervous and scared and doesn't want to do it "wrong" but doing NOTHING is more wrong than doing the "wrong" thing - whatever that may be. I know he is just trying to please me, but for me to plan my own birthday without any input from him? Great, thanks for investing dude.
I know. I know. I really need to pinpoint which triggers are going to be most upsetting and avoid them if possible. I know that sending the kids off on their own for Halloween adventures is prudent and planning something for H and I to do by ourselves will alleviate a lot of issue. I wish he would plan with me, but it's important to ME not to HIM, so that means I have to initiate or it's not going to happen.
I also know that in regards to birthday stuff, it's just about communicating to him exactly what I need from him. Logically, if I say, "I just wanted to remind you that it would be super nice to go out of town for my birthday," and if I let him know that I'm a worry wart and would like to know what we're doing in advance and that reservations have been made so I can relax and just anticipate having fun, he'll be more inclined to get on it. And, if necessary, it'll open the dialog so he can ask questions or let me know if he's unsure of what I was expecting.
Logically.
Emotionally, I guess I'm stuck in a crappy "the holidays suck" pity party for myself and I don't know how to bump myself out of it.
Yes. I hear you. "So go back to your counselor?"
And maybe now I could. Before it would have not been productive - if anything, I think I would have been more agitated and upset. But now, I probably could drag my butt in. The depression and anxiety are kicking my butt and I just have this overwhelming sense of, "Why bother?" "Who cares?" "It doesn't matter."
One friend suggested just letting the next few months be "regular" months and not making issue of any holidays - just for this year. She seemed to think if I can just have a "normal" year where no one dies, no one is cheating, etc. that I can get back to good next year.
I just don't know.
Last year, I felt "under control" - happy even. There were stresses in our lives - as always, right? - but I felt like I was doing pretty well. I was deep in various projects related to volunteering, I was wrapping up the first year of my podcast show, and I was (mostly) over grieving for my father who had passed Christmas Eve the year before.
Then came DDay - Dec. 5.
Awesome timing.
It's more than just December, though.
I already struggle - living so far away from extended family and friends, holidays are difficult and sometimes very lonely/sad. H usually works holidays. (In fact, until recent years he ALWAYS worked every holiday.) It's usually just been the kids and I. Last year was an opportunity to invest in the family, and instead, H invested in the OW.
H. has Halloween off this year. He will be able to be with us. And I don't even care. I don't want to celebrate. The kids are older, so they probably won't care. In fact, my oldest two are perfectly capable of going out and doing their own thing, if they so choose (and probably would be happier that way) and even my youngest is a tad old for getting terribly invested in the holiday. Maybe if they were younger and it were more important to them, I'd force myself to invest, but instead, I just don't care.
I don't want to be reminded that there were plans in motion to leave me on Nov. 1 of last year and on Oct. 29 the OW was begging/pleading H to come over and spend time together with her. She wanted him to lie to not just me (I mean, geeze, who cares about lying to ME, right?) but also to his work so that he could spend the night with her. I don't want to be reminded that the "plan" was to have "one last Halloween with the kids" then to bail on us. (He swears that was HER plan, not his, but who cares whose plan it was?)
I don't want to celebrate Thanksgiving. Yes - I have a lot to be thankful for - but I also have a lot to be resentful for and I'm not sure how to move past that. H won't have Thanksgiving off. I don't want to be reminded that he spent all night on Thanksgiving texting HER and not calling and talking to his wife or kids or texting us.
I don't want to celebrate his birthday and be reminded of how he was texting her instead of celebrating with us. I don't want to be reminded that I tired to plan a romantic birthday weekend for just the two of us and he turned me down opting instead for a "family vacation" - most likely because he knew the OW would freak out to know that he and I were spending romantic time together. (And maybe because he didn't want to feel like he was cheating on HER! How fucked is that?)
I don't want to manage my way through early December - a reminder not only of DDay, but of all the loss and sorrow from OTHER non related things that occurred last year at that time. He is a fucktard when it comes to planning celebrations, so I know that he's going to drop the ball on my birthday - it happens every year and is part of the reason I GO TO FREAKING COUNSELING every year just before the holidays. But for him to drop the ball this year... crushing.
He's offered to buy me expensive gifts. I told him I wanted to get away with him just the two of us. He has not made reservations or plans as of yet. Yes, it's still a little early (I guess?) but we have the money to put in reservations now, so why not plan ahead so he can reassure me that he's not going to just let another birthday blow by without recognition?
Christmas. God. Every year I make a HUGE deal over Christmas. One year, H threw out ALL of my Christmas stuff during a summer cleaning frenzy. He just randomly threw out boxes rather than check what was in them. I was *devastated*. It took all I had (and a LOT of support from friends near and far) to recover from that and want to bother with Christmas decorating and celebrating after that. But I managed. Now? I don't even want to see a decoration. Usually, the second decorations come out in stores, I'm like a kid in the candy store ogling every shiny sparkling decoration. This year? I avoid the Christmas department like the plague.
I hate that I have let all this take what little joy remained from the holidays. I hate that H very specifically took 3 weeks off in Dec. for my birthday/Christmas and insisted we'd do something, but has made no efforts in that area. I hate that when I finally brought it up to him this morning, his whole attitude was, "OK, well, do what you want."
I know he's nervous and scared and doesn't want to do it "wrong" but doing NOTHING is more wrong than doing the "wrong" thing - whatever that may be. I know he is just trying to please me, but for me to plan my own birthday without any input from him? Great, thanks for investing dude.
I know. I know. I really need to pinpoint which triggers are going to be most upsetting and avoid them if possible. I know that sending the kids off on their own for Halloween adventures is prudent and planning something for H and I to do by ourselves will alleviate a lot of issue. I wish he would plan with me, but it's important to ME not to HIM, so that means I have to initiate or it's not going to happen.
I also know that in regards to birthday stuff, it's just about communicating to him exactly what I need from him. Logically, if I say, "I just wanted to remind you that it would be super nice to go out of town for my birthday," and if I let him know that I'm a worry wart and would like to know what we're doing in advance and that reservations have been made so I can relax and just anticipate having fun, he'll be more inclined to get on it. And, if necessary, it'll open the dialog so he can ask questions or let me know if he's unsure of what I was expecting.
Logically.
Emotionally, I guess I'm stuck in a crappy "the holidays suck" pity party for myself and I don't know how to bump myself out of it.
Yes. I hear you. "So go back to your counselor?"
And maybe now I could. Before it would have not been productive - if anything, I think I would have been more agitated and upset. But now, I probably could drag my butt in. The depression and anxiety are kicking my butt and I just have this overwhelming sense of, "Why bother?" "Who cares?" "It doesn't matter."
One friend suggested just letting the next few months be "regular" months and not making issue of any holidays - just for this year. She seemed to think if I can just have a "normal" year where no one dies, no one is cheating, etc. that I can get back to good next year.
I just don't know.
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