Appointments with Death
The mosquito-borne parasite Plasmodium falciparum A veiled ladyDances slow measured tango stepsOn a ballroom of red blood cellsDisguising herselfShe skilfullyPlays, A genetic game Of hide-and-seekThe mosquito-borne parasite Plasmodium falciparumA veiled lady Wrapped in tightly bound bundlesOf red organza Swirls in rhythm, CamouflagedAmong helpless, Ruptured red Blood cellsAlert immune system spiesSensing dangerAstutely identify This red veiled ladyDancing disguisedSounding the alertThey spring to defenceOnly to have her Deftly switch form, Change makeup, costumeSixty different genesSixty different protein shieldsA united force lined upBarely discernible DemandingMy body play catch-upAs plasmodium falciparumSwitches first one masked geneThen another, relentlesslyPreservingThe disguiseWeary I lieRed cells rupturedMy body Listlessly battles The wily parasiteBefore I succumb I mustLike Captain Kirk Unravel the secrets Of the veiled parasitesInvisible power over me I wrote this poem many years ago. I thought I was writing about cancer. Now I realise that I was writing about a form of cancer that aflicts so many of us who live with loss and grief on a daily basis. Grief is cancerous. It ravages and weakens us. It eats away at any feelings of joy. The truth is that the mosquitoe-borne parasite injected me a long time ago. I have carried the burden of the loss and sense of grief of significant others all my life. And there is no respite. Here I am sitting in death's waiting room again as more significant others await their appointment with death. On Monday it was my mother's dog. The kick on is the impact of this on my mother. The truth is that I have been watching her weaken for months. Whenever I stay I am not convinced she will still be here in the morning. Now the death of her mate seems to have broken her. My companion animal, the creature who has witnessed so much over recent years is failing too. Only last week I was told his heart was deteriorating and the heat and the grief here seems to have weighed heavily on him. I went through all of this with Darryl, watched him weaken till he could not lift himself, saw him become a dead weight and then die slowly. Why am I being made to watch and sit in this waiting room over and over and over and over? Weary I lie Red cells ruptured My body Listlessly battles The wily parasite I am hoping a 'new drug' has emerged that will rid me of this wily parasite.
Replies
The losses never seem to end, do they? In just under four years I have lost so many. Nine in all. I find that my sick sense of humor is waning. Laughter is harder to come by these days.
Take care of your Mom and be sure to tell her you love her. I last saw my Mom on Oct 31 a year ago. For various reasons, I was only able to speak to her twice since July and unable to attend her Memorial. What a giant hole in my heart that has left!
hugs
Sel
I too have lost so many. Starting with my dad when I was only 11 death has come and taken so much of my life and yet with no other choice I keep going for the ones left who still love me and I them. Each death seems to kill more of me and change who I used to be.
Somehow the pain of loss never ceases. In the last few years I have lost my father, my best friend and my four terriers. Now in 2009 my husband. I watched him decline and his spirit leave when he suffered those 48 days in the hospital. He became so weak and could hardly lift his arm. So sad he kept fighting and trying to recover. I think all of this wears on one\'s soul.
A year and a half ago John\'s dad passed away. He was like a father to me. At the time my guy was very sick as the MM was rocking and rolling. It hurt his dad to see his son like that and always said that the parents should go before their children. He did but it was not really what he meant. He hoped that John would be able to grow old like himself. After he died, I had a dream in which John\'s dad phoned. He was crying and told me \"Everybody has to die.\" It was like he knew what the outcome was going to be and was allowed to call me. He knew how hard this would be. The reality of what he said in the dream really hit. Up to that time I think I lived in denial about the outcome of every living creature on the planet. This has changed me a lot. I no longer take my loved ones for granted. I cherish every minute with them and seem to have more patience. My loved ones bring me joy. Every living soul is going to face what we face. It may be at different levels, but face it they will. We will all have to face more death. I pray that we will all have the grace and strength to face the things that lie ahead or around the corner. I don\'t see my grief like cancer. I think joy can dwell beside grief. It can...
Heather,Frank had no fear of death,what he did,t want was to have a living death,he did,t get this he had a stroke 5 weeks before he died,this was due to the chemo.l knew he wanted to die,he couldn,t speak,couldn,t move,l knew if he could have done something himself,you know to help his death he would have,but he couldn,t,so his living death took 5 weeks,before it finally took him.l wrote in his obituary,\"l wouldn,t wake you to suffer again\"and l wouldn,t.
l have no fear of death,in fact l think of death everyday.This isn,t me being morbid,this is me being realistic,and knowing that one day l will die,just like everyone else,this is the Buddhist in me.You could go to the far corners of the world,but you cannot run from death,so l accept it,thers nothing else you can do.Talking of mothers,my mother is 91,she tells me everytime l am with her that she prays everynight for God to take her,that she has had enough now,and just wants to go,and she isn,t saying this because she is depressed,she genuinely has had enough,just like l knew Frank had had enough.
l think grief shakes everyone and losing a partner is the saddest loss,we have all these thoughts and feelings going around in our heads,that l,m surprised we haven,t all gone nuts with it.
Heather l this your poem,by the way is great,l love poetry
take care.
Alicexxx
Heather - I think one thing that happens to us is a clear cut view of our own mortality. It\'s not that I/we hadn\'t thought about dying before - Joe and I had many discussions about it. But of course it was in the abstract. When it becomes real, in your face, it shakes us to our very core. I agree with Alice\'s post. My thinking has changed so very much, and even so, it\'s a struggle to understand, and to accept. I love your poem - and I\'m wishing you peace - Hugs, Marsha
Heather: I never thought about death until it touch me and now I am aware of it and it has helped me to understand and love my family more every minute. Death has affected my world and it will never be the same. Your poem was beautiful and very sad but realistic. I don\'t know if I can ever accept Carlos\'s death but I am realizing that he is gone and that I will never have him back. Today is a very hard day for me and I miss him more than ever.