April...

We are still dealing with court. We are still in the same place we've been. It's been a while since I wrote so let me see if I can put this all together... I was able to bail my guy out for $225000 (15900) in february... I still owe on the bail for a year. The parents of my guy helped me to get him out... I have to pay the remaining balance... its steep! Since he's been out he's been trying to get a job. He's trying to help with the bills... I had to leave my residence because my lease ended. I now am having a hard time finding a new place because my credit isn't that great... No one wants to rent to me and I have three kids. I don't know what to do! He has been trying to help as best he can. We now have a lawyer that thinks he is guilty. No money to do anything or pay anything with. I still need to get a place to live but that is an on=going issue.. It just seems like nothing is going the way it should. They want him to go away for 5 years for a violation of probation... that he wasn't even being monitored for. We have court monday. Its a violation of probation hearing. They could bring him back to jail that day for all I know. I'm afraid and terrified. I need him.. He's the only one that helped me move. I had no one. he stayed up all night helping me move everything out. I almost died the other night. I wish I had. Things would be so much easier if I weren't here. If I could just let go of all the worries and heartache.. Somehow I went into a seizure. He was the only one there with me aside from my 10 yr old daughter. He tried everything but he said I died for a couple minutes. he couldn't get me to come to... He finally did and he cried while holding me. he hates that we are going through such an overwhelming and stressful circumstances... I don't know how to help him. The lawyer I got for him thinks he is guilty and doesn't return calls. he hasn't helped me much at all other than to get a few continuances. He has outright told him that he thinks he is guilty and he's only trying to get himl the least amount of time.... ugh! I don't know what I can do. I haven't done much good for him all this time. He was locked up 5 months before I could get him out... Now that he is home... how can I possibly watch him get taken back there again? How can I do this all alone? I have cried so much that I don't know what to feel anymore... He is here, for now... but the days are limited... so unsure... so sad... Just wishing for a miracle!