APRIL

This month is always going to be the hardest one for me to deal with because april is when we would be starting up again with wrestling and that would have been yesterday......AAAHHHHHH i hate this so much, The week before last was wrestlemania and that was hard enough but now this is the 2nd year that i have had to deal with the april start-up and especially this year since im not doped up like i was last year from the surgery and all. So im having to deal with this completely sober eehhh this really hurts me and i havent heard from anyone from the group in so long now and its starting to affect me more and more because i thought i had an actual wrestling family but nahh not the case... And im starting to see that alot of this is my fault and im becoming very regretful of my decisions that i have made about alot of people over the past couple years and it hurts not only me but everyone around me.
I want those days of 2005-2008 back so bad.....i was healthy,hungry for knowledge about my love and eager to climb the ladder to reach my goals in wrestling but now the only ladder i can climb is the one to get the x-mas decorations out of the top of the garage......pathetic!! and thats the only word that i can describe myself as anymore, Im not a wrestler or a fighter or a weight lifter anymore im just.....sean and sean just cant cut it for me because sean will never measure up to shaun painlayer, Painlayer is who i aspired to be for so long and now i have to settle for being sean.......but maybe if im good in the rest of my life i could be rewarded in the afterlife? and granted to live that afterlife as painlayer? But i doubt that could ever happen...... i dont feel im a good deserving person. I hope im not right and that i will someday somehow be rewarded for going through all this horrible parilyzing pain and agony. But ill just have to try my best to get through this first.