Anyone a Twin Therapist?

Fifteen and a half years ago, a miracle happened. Two new lives came into this world one month and a day early after dealing with Twin-to-Twin, fluid building around the heart of the elder, and so many doctors telling the mother her twins she had been praying for everyday since she was 10 would not make it into this world alive. They came into this world through a C-Section the day before they had planned in order to save them. The mother was told that having such a large baby before her twins had probably saved their lives, too.

These identical twin babies are my sister and I.

A video of one of our Ultra-Sounds perfectly encapsulates our relationship. Baby B (that's me) was trying to move closer to Baby A (my sister). Baby A then proceeded to spank Baby B. I am not joking.

My twin sister's first word was either Mommy or Daddy (My parents can't seem to decide). My first word (two weeks after my sister as usual) was my twin sister's name. (Nevermind that I was angry when I said it.)

As we grew up, we always played together (with my twin sister always going first), until she got tired of me. It seems that she has finally grown permanently tired of me.

She might be dealing with anger issues. She hasn't talked to our dad in almost a year over something that happened in less than five minutes. If she doesn't get what she wants, she locks herself in her room, only leaving for food after everyone else has gone to bed.

I love her. I miss her old self. She and I used to have a lot of fun together. Now, she doesn't even want to be twins. She wants to be her own unique person even though she already is. We just happened to be born together.

I don't know what to do. She is scary when she is mad and she seems to loathe me for no reason sometimes. I wish we could be those little kids who would climb in each other's beds and stay up really late having fun. Then, one night, she kicked me out of my bed during an arguement and I hit my chin on the metal ladder of her loft bed. I got made fun of even at church due to the bandages and I still have the scar.

I miss the old days. We used to have so much fun and now she is glued to a computer screen all day or locked in her room and I'm always being pushed away.

I miss bringing all our blankets and pillows out to the trampoline and spending all day there. I miss the races we had. I miss the games we would play and the characters we made up. I miss making forts and sleeping in them. I miss writing letters back and forth with her. I miss the time we covered the windows of our room just so we could use our new alarm clocks when we took naps. I miss getting into trouble with her. I miss not knowing any bad words and the only bad words were "poop", "pee", and "fart". I miss waking up early and going downstairs and just listening to the loud ticking of the clock. I miss when our dad would sing "Home on the Range" to us and we would try to fall asleep before he finished so he could carry us to bed. I miss our old house we spent 5 years in. I miss the parks. I miss not being afraid to go to the park. I miss being able to wear tight clothing because it was comfortable. I miss my cheetah hat I wore in Kindergarten. I miss watching American Ninja Warrior and then creating our own obstacles with pillows. I miss tying blankets around our necks and pretending to be superheroes. I miss my best friends who forgot about me. I miss Eagleridge. I miss watching Wonder Pets and MLP without being embarressed. I miss my grandpa and his jokes. I miss Sassy and Tika. I miss our Condo. I miss listening to Primary songs while going to sleep. I miss the playhouse at our old house. I miss being short. I loathe being tall. I miss my first bike. I miss my shoes. I miss that cookie cereal tasting good. I miss my grandma's old house and her other old house. I miss playing with my cousins at her old house. I miss being young and innocent and not knowing anything bad. I miss not having these intrusive thoughts plague my mind. I wish I could have never grown up and just stayed a little kid forever. I miss being able to play with my stuffed animals. I miss our Little Bake Ovens. I miss the fairy books my friend and I played. I miss being able to talk to boys without the fear of being bullied. I miss having friends who were boys. I miss all the feelings I felt in certain moments.

I'm sorry. I just really miss being a kid.

We believe that there will be a Second Coming where Jesus comes again. Remember how He would give special attention to the little kids? *sigh* I really want Him to look at me with all the love he has for a little kid. I don't want to grow up. I want to be innocent again. I want the world to have so much less TV shows and movies and books without bad words or innapropriate scenes so that little kids could watch them without their parents worrying if they have to cover their eyes or mute the TV. I wish I wasn't so confused all the time so I could understand what is going on around me.

And, most of all, I miss being so confident about myself.