Any advise or comments are welcome
I am feel low right now. I know I thought I would always be prepared for when my mom dementia would start to take over. She was giving Betty whom stays with her durning the day a rough time. Betty is my mom niece. Betty went home crying. Saying my mom was mean to her. Then Michelle comes in and my mom is looking for her baby. going through closets and thats when I came in. She was so upset about this baby I didn't know what to think. I told her there wasn't a baby. Thats where thing go ugly. Mom tried to through little stuff I took the stuff away from here. There was no reasoning with her. She was mad telling me I wasn't her daughter anymore and I hurt her feelings and I felt so bad. I always promised myself taking care of my dad I would do a better job if mom came down with dementia. I failed. I am so upset I know she wasn't in a good frame of mind. I stayed she feel asleep in her chair. Michelle woke her and she saw me she so happy to see me. I put my arms around her and hugged her told I loved her. She smiled and told me she loved me too. I know the nursing home is becoming reality and I'm just sick about it. Thanks to all whom may read this and maybe help me to forgive myself and please pray for my mom.Terrie
Replies
Terrie,
There comes a time when you have done all you can do and for your mom\'s safety and your safety for every ones safety, the nursing home can give her the care she needs for her protection. Are nursing homes ideal, no but they are better then her being at home and you having to deal with the stress load of her deterioration, that is very painful.
We tend to think we are letting our parents down when we don\'t take care of them. We are taking care of them when we make hard decision for them and being a caregiver is hard work which tends to leave us with the connotation that we are the heavy. They are children in adult bodies and they are harder to care for. It is hard to let go but you can visit her and take her on outings.
I too had to make the decision for my mother. She couldn\'t be left alone and I couldn\'t take into my home, so for awhile she was in an assistant living facility. She was angry at first but she got acclimated and enjoyed being around the other people. Then she had to go to a nursing home because she would aspirate and she needed more care then they could give her.
No one can make this decision for you but yourself. Its not easy! And yes its a new journey in life. But you are strong and can walk this journey.
Amazing that I stopped by you have been on my heart and in my thoughts. I am praying for you!
Much love,
Monica
Terrie,
You have to remember that when your mom is mean or rude to you, it\'s the illness talking, not her. Will keep you in prayer.
Terri, i too am taking care of my 86 yr. old mom with dementia. just know that you are doing the best you can, not easy caring for a parent. remember that you can only do what you can do. i will pray for you.
You aren\'t alone in this journey. So many of us are trying to figure out the impossible and being prepared and responding to these bad days are very hard. You are a good daughter and it sounds like she loves you very much. You have to hold that tight in your heart when things go south and keep reassuring her that you will be there.
When my Father has days like this, I sometimes have luck if I first acknowledge his frustration \"you\'re looking for a baby? It\'s frustrating when you can\'t find something that important, how about if I help\" then I try to redirect \"how about if we have a little ice cream first and then we\'ll both look for it ok\" sometimes it can take just a little break to turn things around. Other times I just have to go with the flow and let him get it out, take a walk, help him and hold him and he\'ll calm down.
Deep breaths and remember to take care of you too, this is so important. My Father is now in a NH, but I visit as often as possible and I know I could not care for him 24/7 nor would he want this to be my life, still in his haze he makes this so clear. I\'m sorry all of us and our loved ones have to deal with this horrible disease. Good luck and keep us posted.
Terrie, I have early stages of alzheimers and it does puzzles me when people try to figure out what I am thinking and try to help me when I am doing strange things. Please do not beat up on yourself because there is no way you can be a failure at something you have no idea of what you are dealing with. I did a talk today to a group about dealing with people with dementia/AD (I will write a journal entry tomorrow, I am too tired tonight to write about the talk tonight)and what really came out during our discussion after I got done speaking, was how difficult the care givers are having is having \"normal\" conversation with people that have dementia/AD. The best thing you can do is do what \"pounder\" said to do. Just go along with your Mom no matter how goofy or crazy it seems because it is very real to her. And yes she does love you and she forgot what she said to you when she was all upset, it is her frustrations coming out because she could not find the baby which was very real to her. You can not be a failure, once again, because this is not a failure or successful type of situation you are in. Beating up on yourself only takes a lot away from how you feel about yourself and no one is judging you as a failure except yourself, and not sure why you would do that to yourself. Please take good care of yourself, look in the mirror and say I love you no matter how Mom is doing from day to day and that in itself will help you feel better about yourself. God Bless Phil, Flops and Flossie
Terrie,
Please don\'t feel guilty. You know in your heart your are doing your very best for your mom. I am amazed at how many of us \"caregivers\" have alomost the same situation. I had to place my Mom in a nursing home yesterday. I just can\'t drag her around any longer, it\'s not safe for her, it\'s not safe for me. It\'s so hard after two and a half years to hand her off to someone else. I\'m like you, I knew this day was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Hang in there and never give up, no matter what. Talk to us and we will listen. We understand. My prayers are with you and your Mom. Love, Joy