Anxious, Painful, and Frustrating.... That Is Life! ;-)

Okay here goes.... The truth, the whole truth, and nothing, but the truth!!! 
That is what makes recovery work for me in my life to heal old and new wounds and become the person God wants me to become.  I believe if I stay in the truth no matter how painful, frightening, or messy (tears, snot, and exhaustion ;-)) I will be kept safe throughout the process and God will bring me out the other side into the Light and I will be a better person when I am finished with it.... better equipped with the abilities to nurture my children and grandchildren and close friends/family through their life experiences. 
So... my mom died unexpectedly  [ as a result from complications and negligence during and after back surgery 1976 ] 3 months after I gave up my first born son to adoption and then the rest of my so called,"family and extended family" abandoned myself and my kid brother.  All of this happening in the last 6 months of my 16th year of life.....
So... I have been rather traumatized by these, and my reactions to these experiences.
My first reaction to the choice of adopting my son out to another family was denial.  I was taught by osmosis by my family to do this.... When I was in the hospital I had to threaten to not sign the last adoption papers before they would let me see, hold, and say goodbye to my son.....
When I returned home to the apt. my mom, kid bro, and I lived in at the time, I came home to pretty new flowered print sheets on my bed, and a new baby kitten to lavish my love and attention upon which I would have been giving to my newborn son.  It was possibly one of my mom's friends ideas.... who knows.... We never talked of me having a baby again... not till my mom died suddenly....
So.... I had been a run-a-way by the age of 13.  !2 years old when my parents divorced, my mom struggled financially, physically with a seriously bad back, and emotionally wrecked with pain from the divorce and her sheltered world crashing down upon her, she turned to alcohol in excess... they always had a beer in their hands while I was growing up, but she began to drink so badly she was spending money that wasn't there, short for paying bills and rent because of what she spent at the lovely, local, liquor store. She was becoming, if not already, alcoholic, but I didn't know what that was at the time.
All I knew was my world had crashed and I couldn't function either so I began to skip school, found drugs and men, and began to run from my reality and how it felt anyway I could find. I became pregnant at the age of 15, during one of my longer run-a-way's.  My mom's health began to decline rapidly during this period of time as well.  My kid brother was left abandoned in the wake of it all.....
So on June 29th of 1976 I gave birth to and gave parental rights to my son to two strangers. Leaving this precious little being in the hands of a God I was increasingly becoming estranged from.  I felt He was the creator of all my experiences and so I couldn't understand why we were all being punished, nor what we were being punished for. Feeling seriously abandoned and abused in every part of my world by this God.
Thank God for the drugs, alcohol, friends, and music I found to hide in, because it all saved my sanity and my life.  It has since all ceased to give me shelter from reality.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
So... after the baby was born, and because I had been living away from my mom's off and on throughout my 13th, 14th, & 15th yrs..... I left again and was living with the father of my son and a very caring man and his son, Marty & his father.  Mr. McDonald was away most of the time working as a mathematician for the Bay Area's Navy on San Francisco and Alameda Military Base's
I abandoned my mom and my brother and was living a new life full of working for a living and enjoying my first paychecks as a kid, party all night, every night, with my best friend/ new older brother Marty, my boy-friend Alan, { both musicians } and all our friends musicians as well, while Marty's dad, Mr.McDonald, paying the way for us all.
I was young, ignorant, self-absorbed, in survival mode, with no skills to deal with                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         .  So I lived as if nothing bad happened and I was living a new life away from the drama and trauma and chaos, which was too much for me to live with... Denial my best friend and drugs and music my next best friends, I was living fairly comfortable.  
My very real best girl-friend and I had planned to attend the, "Hookers Ball" the annual Halloween Bash in San Fransisco.  We had rented professional costumes and the whole to-do. 
I had gone to visit my mom as I was living/sleeping at Marty's apt. not home with my mom.  She had been in the hospital twice in 2 weeks, 1st time for surgery to fuse spine again and the 2nd time because there had been infection in the surgery wound.  They had to open the wound which went from tailbone up to almost shoulder blades and clean (scrape) etc to stop infection.  They sent her home with-in days of each visit. Rather early for beginning to show signs of complications. Sate welfare insurance was pushing them out too early a lot during that time trying to save money.
I need to sleep now try to finish up to current issues soon.                                                       
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Enjoyed reading your history so far. Looking forward to hearing more! Love, Lynn
GTK
GTK

Sweetie my heart breaks for you reading this. I understand your pain only too well... as I also lost my first born, a daughter, to adoption in 1976 when I was just 2 months past my 15th birthday. I did not choose that outcome... but I had been told by the welfare people that because I was not legally able to leave home till 16, and my parents refused point blank to let me go home with the baby, that if I didn\'t sign adoption papers then they would take the baby from me and she would go to an orphanage. Unlike you I didn\'t have the strength to insist on my rights, so I didn\'t get to hold my baby and say goodbye... though I did see her once for a few minutes through the glass of the nursery. I had a similar reaction to the loss... I was in denial and I pushed the pain down in various ways, none of which were constructive. I still carry deep scars, I don\'t think they will ever heal... despite having spent half my life in therapy... and despite having found my daughter soon after her 18th birthday (which was possible due to a change in the laws just 1 year prior, allowing release of information to a birth mother on their childs 18th birthday). Sadly her parents had moved way across the country when she was quite young, so because of that I have only spent time with her on 5 occassions in the 15 years that have passed since. I know I am lucky to have found her at all and even more lucky that she was happy to have contact with me... I know many birth mothers are not so blessed. Still the pain that comes from having found her and yet still being unable to have her as part of my life is immense. I am poor and the airfare is about $600 return... so it is just not possible to go and visit. Also I live right in the heart of our biggest city... a vibrant and bustling place... and she lives in a tiny very isolated city... known for it\'s redkneck culture... so in many ways we are a whole world apart. Well, I don\'t mean to focus on my story when your need is to work through your own. I just wanted to let you know how well I understand... and how sorry I am for your experience... and your loss. I can\'t imagine how much your pain would have been magnified by losing your mum so soon afterwards... it must have been a huge emotional shock. I am very sorry for all that pain you had to endure at such a tender age... and sorry too that the rest of your family did not give the care and support that you needed and deserved. I truly wish I could reach through the screen and hug you tight... we could share the pain and cry together, were the miles not so great between us.
Know that I am thinking of you... and sending positive thoughts and comforting hugs. Take care my friend... xxx
ralop
ralop

I must say right here and now that were it not for the good people in my adult life like the ones who have commented here on my journal entries, I don\'t believe I ever would have survived the causes and conditions of my childhood traumas. Thank you all for your love and support!!
TerrieAnn