Anxiety Level Up Today

I had a very busy few days. IOn Christmas Eve, I drove down to North Attleboro, battling sleet, salted windshield, and finally rain (which led to fog) to get to my friend's house to drop off presents. then I stopped by my grandson's house in Providence to drop off his presents, then to my mother's house. On Christmas day, I went over to my daughter's house to pick up my girl and bring her to visit her former foster family. Then we went back to my daughter's house to have dinner. My other daughter and her boyfriend had already arrived, as well as my former ex-brother in law who I have not seen for decades. Shortly after I arrived, my former husband, his wife and her children arrived. After dinner, I went over to my grandson's adoptive family's house to pick him up to visit my mother, then back to his house and up to my daughter's house, a hour away, for the night. Once again, I had to listen to an hour long argument/fight between my daughter and the girl, who was overtired and refused to go to bed. I barely slept the entire night, and got up after 8:00 (which is very unusual for me), to have coffee, get dressed, and get back down to my grandson's to pick him up to take him shopping with his christmas money. After shopping we stopped at my mother's house, but he didn't want to stay so I brought him home early. Then we all got ready to go to my uncle's wake. Spent the entire 2 hours at the wake, catching up with my cousins and other family members that I've not seen in a while, all the while trying not to think about my uncle's passing. It wasn't easy. My mother left the wake early, and did not attend the funeral in the morning. After the funeral in the morning, I went back to my mother's house, briefly, and got changed to head home. When I got home, I found a letter telling me that I was going to be reviewed by the state to see if I still qualified for food stamps and Mainecare. I feel as if I have been targeted by the state to be removed from assistace for some reason. Without the Mainecare, my girl will not get the treatment she needs - I will have to not only take her out of counseling, but stop seeing her doctor - I simply do not have the resourses at this time. That is why I applied to the state in the first place - because I do not have the resoureses. I'm exhausted from the trip, the funeral, and am in a complete panic about loosing this coverage. The counseling alone costs $150 per hour, once a week, and I don't earn that much all together. The income that they have listed as my weekly income was listed prior to my even so much as receiving a paycheck, based upon the assumption that the hours I worked during my first week were going to be my standard hours, and this is not the case. If I were working 20 hours, I'd only be earning $116 per week, and I'm only currently scheduled for 5 hours for the week. Last week they called me in for an extra 5 hours shift, but I cannot rely upon that happening each week. Even at that, it was only 10 hours for the week, which is about $65. As it is, my standard pay is going to be about $32. I am currently seeking a full time job - only a full time job at a reasonable rate of pay is going to correct this problem. I have to get the state out of my business. I don't know why I have been targeted, but they are doing every thing that they can to cut me off. I don't know if I am up to a full time job, and getting new medical insurance isnt going to cover existing conditions, in most cases, so the counseling, and my medication won't be covered, most likely.  Either way, right now I am in a panic because I dont' see a way out beyond bankruptsy and homelessness.   Maybe I'll feel better after finishing the accounting for the year, because I have to bring it to them on the 19th, because I am very poor right now and even though I've been working alot to try and fix the problem, I have failed to date. Job's aren't exactly easy to come by these days, and I'm 52 and have an emotional disorder. Don't care how they describe their "equal opportunity" legislature, they still discriminate against people with emotional or mental disorders. Thing is, I'm not totally confident that I could hold a job, anyway, because I can't hold a positive mood for very long. I am not confident that I can pretend to be "normal" consistantly enough to pass for a norm. And I miss my girl - she's been away since the 20th, and I only have seen her on Christmas since. She's at her aunt's house right now, and I've spoken to her on the phone, but I miss her like there is something of me missing.