anxiety

These are the things I have anxiety about...

 - going to bed alone, being alone

- yet i find when i am alone, am i full. right now there is no one in my life. I go on dates.. yet i feel very alone on the dates. I was going on a date last night. I felt very alone walking up to the date. I almost felt better if i were alone that night then i would have my presence.. and not have anxiety about having to hold a conversation with anyone. 

so looking at this.. anxiety is not really being alone, no its more so trying to make life be a certain way.

I work alone. I play guitar all alone, everytime its me just there in front of 70 people or just 4. Its always just me.. but then its not either.. i become the energy of the group, the music that is unplayed is my companion walking in.. as it rests upon my presence about to go thru me. I dont feel alone there. 

So then anxiety, is the anxiety being alone, or is it more of the thought of having to fix the alone with the mind wtih events.. and deal with another person who needs. 

so re- looking at this.. is it bad to go to bed alone?  i sleep better, i am in myself, and being alone is ok. its a rich opportunity to just feel this amazing being. Trying to talk to another person about this is impossible. 

conclusion - the anxiety is not about being alone, it is about hopping upon the story of tying to fix something. and not accepting what is there.