anxious

Im so anxious about this weekend.  I wish we would have been able to do the service right afterwards and not just over two months later.  So now Ive been thinking about it constantly, worring that it wont be right, or excatly whatJoel and I want.
Mom says no pictures, people cant handle seeing him, well Im proud of him and the pastor said if we did a slide show he could put it to Liam's favorite song while in my belly (Moonlight Sonata) so of course I want that.  But if I do it I dont want my mom throwing a fit.  My mom lives 8 hours away and dad 14 and Ive got pictures up in my house and now I am worried they are going to want me to take them down or wont come in my house.  They are crazy like that.  As if I put the pictures up to personally afrount them, no I love him and I love looking at him.  I love remembering what it felt like to have his tiny hand within mine.
Last night Mom was telling me how she wants me to go to church with her this sunday.  First of all we don't go to church, I dont force my opinions on anyone but she feels very free to attempt to force hers on me.  Second, its Easter Sunday why would I want to see all that little kid cuteness and then go plant a tree in honor of my still born son?!  I've told her this time and time again and then again last night, she got really curt and hung up. After I told her I was having a bad day yesterday, she hung up.  She wants me to call Walmart and get platers for the potluck and when I called I got so flustered I just hung up on them.  Shes been asking me to do it for a whlie so Joel did it for me.  He made a good point though...she could have called.
So Mom is renting a house this weekend, its cheaper than a couple of hotel rooms.  It would be tight but they could have all fit here.  Its beneath my family to sleep on sofa's I think, but whne I go to my sisters house i have to sleep on the sofa and I dont mind...but I cant bring that up.  They say they ARE renting a house and now they want me to stay there, no.  My BF is staying here and now that my sister has opted out Joel's brother is staying here.  Mom doesnt want BIL to stay here, like its her choice, he may stress me out but he's still Joel's bro.  MIL called last night and wanted to stay here too. luckily Joel said no.  I would have ... it would have been really hard to have her here.  She talked about our future children hours after we learned Liam had died and before he was born.  He was laying within my belly and she was talking about others as if Liam was a plant or a new room color!
I dont want to deal with any of it.  Why cant they all just shut up and let me morn?  Mom said maybe next week after the service you can start preparing for the future and desiding what you want to do, she gets so upset when I tell her Im not going back to work at the same place that got Liam so sick, she says it will be the hardest thing you do but it will be good for you/healthy...NO the hardest thing Ive had to do was give my son to the nurse and watch her walk out of the room.  And why would I would I want to go back there?  I hate the place.  So when I told her this weekend wasnt going to majically cure me she got all upset that's not what she was saying...but it kind of was.
Mom and I have had a very strenuous relationship sincehigh school.  Pregnancy was hard on our relationship.  First she was upset we even got pregnant, so worried it would have Joel's heart and wouldnt talk of anything else for weeks.  At Christmas she said i was so big I was having triplets and then didnt understand why I thought she was calling me fat.  But during Liam's blood transfusion she was great.  Afterwards though was hard, she made me feel bad for wanting some time to absorb all that had happened to Liam and myself ...I was scared and exasted, and when I asked her to stay she walked out the door and left me crying for hours.  Then when Liam pasted she drove all night long to be with me. And has been helpful ever sense, but...its turning back into what it was.  ... and now every move I make feels wrong again, wrong in her eyes and she makes sure I know it.
I dont want to see any of these people, except JJ.  Im so stressed about the people I've started taking the anti-depressents they gave me right after Liam was born and I refused to take.  Why cant they just morn him and stop talking about how Im doing things wrong or how much they dislike the other people...

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so sorry you are feeling this way. It\'s so hard to have the extra pressure of trying to make things right for other people, especially when nothing is right in your own world! I wish there was a way I could make it better for you or to help you through it! I hope that his service brings you some peace and that you are ultimately able to do it the way you and Joel want! Liam is lucky to have you as his mom, displaying his pictures proudly, and showing your love for him always! I\'m here for you if you ever want to talk, vent, cry...anything! *big hugs!*
deleted_user
deleted_user

I wish you the best this weekend. I could say something inappropriate about family and friends and how to deal with them, but I will keep the harsh statements to myself. Honey, you need to do and say whatever is necessary to get through this weekend. Remember, this weekend is about you, Liam, and Joel. I don\'t mean to disregard the others, but you are his Mom and no one has the bond that you do. So please tell them what you need, speak up, and have it the way you want it. At the very least, you deserve this. Hugs, Stacy