Anxiety.

ok, really having a hard time. my due date 3 weeks away, but really any day now. im scared, even part terrified. the father of course has made more problems. and now i am going to have to be the bitch he claims me to be. He probably things he regrets me now, wait till i am done. Because of HIS lies, and his lack of action, he is taking away my most precious moments with my baby. i will have to work ASAP to support us. he, once again is denying the baby is his, a week before he goes out to sea, and will not sign the papers needed for him to be on the birth certificate. which means no child support, which means less time with the baby, and more time working for me. as soon as i can handle it. he was being co operative. and now this? so close? im done. i cant forgive him for this. for taking away this time that should be a joy in my life, and making it stress and heartache. i miss the time i will miss with my baby already. so i have to go through the prosecuting attourney and court systems and court order a paternity test since he is trying to run and refusing to take responsibility and refusing to communicate in a civil matter. im tired. im done. I dont want him near my baby. not now at all. and i will protect her anyway i can. if i have to pay for a lawyer, then that is what i have to do. I have to get my own place soon too, as soon as i can. i cant handle staying at lisa's much more. i love her, but her life is not my life. so so so so much going through my head. im afraid. i feel unready and unworthy. i feel alone. i feel depressed and shaky. and angry at myself. i feel like i dont deserve to be this baby's mother, because of how i screwed up my life in the past couple years. how could i let myself get so down and out of focus? how could i let it get so bad? and how come it is so easy to fall back into that self destructive pit? I lost myself somewhere, and i found myself again, and now, well i feel like i am losing myself again in some fog, so i have to fight it. my life is not about me anymore, its about my baby. i give my life to her now. I no longer matter so much as long as she is ok. as long as i can make her happy. and for her to be ok i have to be ok. I need out of this job, cause i need to be able to look at money normaly, like it has value. its a very destructing sub concious thing dealing in casinos. seeing hundred dollar bills and chips fly by like nothing. i remember a hundred dollar bill used to be like gold. like wow, i have a hundred dollar bill,  i need to go to the bank. lol.  ha. funny now. even 20 dollars was alot. now i make more money than i made before, but i dont know where it goes sometimes. it cant be like that. i need to be like i was before. I need to be better than i am. There is so much to do. i hurt. im tired. but i need to work. i need to work  until the day i have her if i can. i need to save up as much as possible. i feel so unstable, i need stability. jeesh. just listen to me. i know part of this is hormones. and alot of this is caused because of matt. I really love my baby. i really do. im really afraid too. im not afraid of the pain. im afraid of the time. im afraid of myself, that i wont be enough. i feel lacking. why did i do that the other day? why couldnt i just keep it together. i slipped. thought i would go out, im just horrible. i need to save every penny i get. sometimes this is just too much for one person to deal with. but im not out of control like i was before. im actually doing quite well in comparison. i will never go back there. i know that now. im a whole person now. i just freaked out that day. but im ok. i need to calm down. i need to take things one day a time. time will tell, AND time will pass, AND things will be as they will, one way or another. and while this is probably the most awful and hurtful time in my life, it is also the most beautiful and most precious, and i need to cherish every moment i can, because i will never have these moments again with my daughter. i will never feel her press her little foot to the palm of my hand in my stomach again. feel her flutter around. birth her, feed her, hold her, clean her. and first smiles only come once. Somehow we will be ok. even if i have to cut my alone time short with her because i have to work.