Another year ending......
Well, it is coming into another Holiday Season. My AH falls apart every year. This is only the second time in many years that he entered into the season relatively sober. He has appeared to be sober or soberish for about two months. Or at least has kept it out of my face we have had a sort of peaceful co- existence. He called me today after a MD appointment clearly stoned or drunk out of his face. When I reacted, he acted as though he had no idea what might be bothering me. This pushed my buttons as he wove a most preposterous story. In the end he went on a rant about my family and how our Christmas plans are not firm ( they are ) and how he hates my family, blah blah blah. Yes my family has its issues, but I love them and have decided to look at the positives and grab a little joy. I suspect that it may have more to do with needing a scapegoat to excuse his poor choices, and with the fact that he has NO contact with his own family, does not even know if his mom is even still alive, and cannot see his own hand in the deterioration of that family.
sad, but as I read a narc anon article posted in the discussion list which defined codependent behavior, I was encouraged to see how much I have grown. Two years ago EVERY behavior was me, now not so many.
did I react? Yup. but now I realize that I am allowed to. I was able to recognize the lies and manipulations, and not get too drawn in, and disengaged from the interaction before I became "crazed Jackie".
Even sadder is the fact that even sober, he is still who he is. He remains self centered, withdrawn, stingy with his feelings, and ALWAYS a victim. He never sees that he might be and active participant in an argument or disagreement. Never tries to see anything from my point of view. I was well aware that if he ever remained clean, it was possible I wouldn't like him anyway. Regretfully this is true.
He just told me this is the life he wants, so I continue on my path to independence. Grateful for my own healing...... Leaving him to his.
so, I enter into this season in good cheer, celebrating with friends, children, family. He can participate or not. I finally realized that my own happiness, contentment, and sense of my place in this world remains intact! Yay! I move forward into the new year with hope and a new found strength. Next year's end journal entry will be even better !
sad, but as I read a narc anon article posted in the discussion list which defined codependent behavior, I was encouraged to see how much I have grown. Two years ago EVERY behavior was me, now not so many.
did I react? Yup. but now I realize that I am allowed to. I was able to recognize the lies and manipulations, and not get too drawn in, and disengaged from the interaction before I became "crazed Jackie".
Even sadder is the fact that even sober, he is still who he is. He remains self centered, withdrawn, stingy with his feelings, and ALWAYS a victim. He never sees that he might be and active participant in an argument or disagreement. Never tries to see anything from my point of view. I was well aware that if he ever remained clean, it was possible I wouldn't like him anyway. Regretfully this is true.
He just told me this is the life he wants, so I continue on my path to independence. Grateful for my own healing...... Leaving him to his.
so, I enter into this season in good cheer, celebrating with friends, children, family. He can participate or not. I finally realized that my own happiness, contentment, and sense of my place in this world remains intact! Yay! I move forward into the new year with hope and a new found strength. Next year's end journal entry will be even better !
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