Another Weekend in the Books

In the begining of this whole messed up thing I used to worry that I had something to do each weekend. If not I knew I would just sit home and cry and go over and over in my head WHY TONY DOESN'T LOVE ME!I think I am getting better. Finally! When I left work on Friday, I had no plans and I was fine with it, really!Friday night I decided (like a nut) to take my 14 year old daughter shopping because she needed new underwear. Well she got a purse, jeans, sweater, etc... I think she got some underwear, not really sure! I got a few calls from friends and a few texts from others. It was not a bad night.Saturday, I cleaned house and decided I wanted some company so I returned one of the phone calls from Friday from a man friend named Michael. He is fun to be around, very smart and adores me. I won't let myself care for him in any way but friends. He understands and respects it (although he would like more from me and has made that clear).  He is actually a good match for me in a lot of ways but has some issues I can't get past to consider him as a real option! He is lazy. Works as a teacher at a private school but only teaches enough classes to "get by".  He never has any money so when we do get together we usually just hang out at one of our houses, have a few drinks and watch a movie or something. I do enjoy his company. He is very good for my ego. He listens to me cry or bitch or whatever I need and he gives good advise. I want to trust him, at least as a friend but I am so screwed up in the head I keep thinking he is just nice to me because I have a nice home, money, good cook etc...  I even told him of my fear. He says all of those things are part of me so they are part of the package. He says it is ME that he is most atttacted to. I think he is for real but I choose not to get close so it really doesn't matter. I just enjoy when we are together and don't think past it. It just makes me wonder if I will ever believe again that a man really loves ME and not what I have to offer as part of the "package". How do you know? I kind of feel sorry for Michael but he says things like, I know you have to heal and I want to help you though it. Neither of us know what the future holds so lets just enjoy the present". I let him stay over because it got late and we had a bit to drink. We slept together but we don't sleep together, know what I mean! He knows better than to try, we have gotten that straight. Sex equals love to me. I'm not ready to love him or anyone else right now.It was very nice to fall asleep cuddled up. Then this morning I made us breakfast and coffee. He aksed if he should take a shower or if I was sending him away soon (he would move in if he could, I know) and he should wait until he got home. I told him I had a busy day and said I am sorry. He looked sad but thanked me for everything, gave me a little kiss and he was gone. Truth is I had nothing to do today! I just wanted MY space. I didn't want to worry about anyone else. My kids were out and I had the house to myself so why did I not want the company of a nice man? He really doesn't ask anything from me. He is very giving, emotionally and he is one of my bigggest cheerleaders. So why would I perfer alone. Look at my profile, I said from the begining I HATE ALONE!! Now I perfer it?? What is going on with me?I hope if the perfect person comes along, I won't perfer ALONE to him?I hope this a step in the right direction but I am worried that my exhusband using me then Tony using me has made me unable to believe or trust any man won't use me! Nice people, like Michael, are going to have to suffer if they care for me, because of what the "others" have done to me. We talked about all of this last night, in depth. I cried and he wiped my tears and told me to just forget about the past and to know how wonderful I am and that they are the stupid ones. He says I have to feel worthy of a man's love to be able to accept it. He kept asking me if I know how wonderful I am and how beautiful I am and how much I have to offer somone, not counting my home, money, etc... I said I was trying to see what he claims to see in me. I just don't. I know I am worthy of love but I am so flawed, even more so since being put the meat grinder Tony put me through!  Michael says time will heal me and make me able to accept love again and meanwhile, we can stay friends and he will always have my back. Still all I see is a guy that possibly only likes what I have to offer (I don't think he deserves that).  I think what if I let myself fall for this guy. Then he convinces me to let him move in then he will be upgrading his lifestyle on my dime. I never was a stingy person now I don't want to share. I am afraid to share. I don't want to be taken or used or lied to again. How will I ever trust anyone again??? Truth is I would love to find a man to be in love with that wanted to share all of my life and all I have to offer but will I trust him or myself enough to ever let it happen??  I am confused but it still beats crying so I will take it and work through it.