another week's gone by
well, I had to call it quits with the new relationship. we met at my place a second time, and this time I tried telling him there was some stuff I didn't like doing. a short time later, he says 'oh please, please let me do it!' So I gave in, and felt horrible afterwards. Plus, a full on relationship means emotional vulnerability, and I'm not willing to really go there.
So, I told this fella I'm not ready for sex, after some bad experiences. He was sweet and understanding, which was a profound relief. I mean, I even hate tongue kissing. Yuck! but I couldn't say so.
Did another shift at the hospital tonight, it went really well. I don't do much, as I'm an assistant nurse. The Registered Nurse has all the responsiblity, I just have to watch a few of the patients. Maybe they try to get out of bed, maybe they're deathly ill, maybe they're suicidal. whatever the reason, I sit there and keep an eye. It brought a lot up tonight, because my dream was to be a Registered Nurse when I was younger. But my mental breakdown put an end to THAT dream. I did try the course for Registered Nurse at the age of 45, but it was still too much for me.
So, I'm a PRETEND nurse, is how i feel.
Oh well, I'm really happy to be employed, and to be working in a hospital. I was wondering tonight why the hospital environment feels so homely to me. Then I remembered, I was in (psych) hospital for over 2 years, if you put it all together. Of COURSE it seems homely!
I'm taking a break from AA, I still don't know who or what to trust anymore.
So, I told this fella I'm not ready for sex, after some bad experiences. He was sweet and understanding, which was a profound relief. I mean, I even hate tongue kissing. Yuck! but I couldn't say so.
Did another shift at the hospital tonight, it went really well. I don't do much, as I'm an assistant nurse. The Registered Nurse has all the responsiblity, I just have to watch a few of the patients. Maybe they try to get out of bed, maybe they're deathly ill, maybe they're suicidal. whatever the reason, I sit there and keep an eye. It brought a lot up tonight, because my dream was to be a Registered Nurse when I was younger. But my mental breakdown put an end to THAT dream. I did try the course for Registered Nurse at the age of 45, but it was still too much for me.
So, I'm a PRETEND nurse, is how i feel.
Oh well, I'm really happy to be employed, and to be working in a hospital. I was wondering tonight why the hospital environment feels so homely to me. Then I remembered, I was in (psych) hospital for over 2 years, if you put it all together. Of COURSE it seems homely!
I'm taking a break from AA, I still don't know who or what to trust anymore.
Replies
I\'m glad you\'re not pressuring yourself to see this bloke..............he should not push you into anything...
I know about not being ableto meet goals and have to quit stuff due to our child abuse crap that left us unable t function like others are so lucky to do.........I can handle very little stress and concentrating is near impossible.....
Yeah take a break from AA, good idea...too many control freaks in those 12 step programs.Sometimes we just need to listen to our own voice and shut everyone elses for a while...
hugs
thanks a lot Tooti for the support. I spoke to my AA sponsor today, and she was pretty upset at my idea of taking a break from AA. She accused me of being judgemental, because I think Bill Wilson has nothing to say to me. (like I said, he used to sexually take advantage of newcomer women.)