Another update on my life
Well, I havn't written in a few days...my life has been kind of blah. I am not working, so it is so stressful just sitting at home with nothing to do. I feel so lazy and I want a job so bad. My husband would flip out if I did get a job, plus it is detrimental to my recovery. As far as food goes, well I have 3 days of BPing, two days free. The three days were yesterday, today and the day before yesterday. I am proud though that none of the food I binged on were sugar. I am breaking my sugar addiction and I am damned proud of that. The only problem is that I am still binging and the binging is really disgusting. Fiber cereal, healthy (meaning disgusting) tortila chips dipped in low cal yogurt, and low cal bread (also disgusting) with I can't believe its not butter spray...not dipped or sprayed, but poured on the bread (also disgusting and when I think about it I want to puke) Raw nuts (hard to chew and gross). I do not know why I am binging, but I think its lonliness. My husband doesn't want to be around me, The friends I do have I have to llisten to them bitch all the time (god forbid I have any problems and all I have to do in life is take care of them) and My mom told me that I wished she was dead and I can't wait until she dies. She also said that she forgave me for blaming her for my childhood (which I should blame her I was a little child and she let an evil man abuse me and my sister, sending us to the hospital). Mentally I am not doing so well I guess, I feel numb to it all though, I just can't face anything because it is all too much and if I let the flashbacks, the thoughts of my past and whats going wrong in my life right now, I would probably have to kill myself. In other news, I am taking a bunch of classes this summer. They are all going to be fun classes, swim twice a week, pilates once a week and a bunch of nutrition courses. Did I mention that I am a certified nutritionist? I don't practice though because well, ED won't let ME be healthy.lol I see a nutritionist and I am one HA. OK this posting is a little crazy, but I feel a little crazy. Like I am going out of my mind because I can't seem to do whats best for me, no one seems to care and my final thought is "well if no one cares, why should I?" I wrote a bunch of meal plans to girls who are on a weight loss program and I did it for free and no thanks. I helped this one girl see the light to her ED and helped her feel better about herself and start living life again, and I helped someone not commit suicide. Do I get thanks for that? NO, they just keep using me. I try to make my husband happy and he just hates me. I am such a burden to him. Well I guess I got everything out of my system, I hope this makes me feel a little better, I think that I just feel even more numb.
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