Another understanding
I have come to another understanding today about something else about me that fed into my A's. I realized today that I do not like to disapoint. I do not like to say no. Not just to myself, like I said in the last journal, but also to others. (although H says I have said no to him plenty)
I cannot sell stuff well because I do not like to bother people. I want people to like me so I don't want to be obnoxious. I don't like salesmen to approach me because I do not like to say no. I do not like to disappoint. (I will though) I will rarely say no to a child selling whether I want what they are selling or not.
I have a lack of assertiveness. This I have always been told. The OM relationships started out as friends. As the friendships became "not just friends" I was not assertive enough to stop it though I tried. The fact that only part of me wanted to stop it did not help. It was certainly easier to "go along with it" and tell myself that I was already in too deep and I could not stop it.
So by not disappointing the OM, I hurt my H more than anything has ever hurt him. I caused a tornado to take our lives individually and collectively and tear them to pieces. An all consuming event that is changing us for the rest of our lives.
This caused me great pain today to think about. by not wanting to disappoint someone else I disappointed everyone. I was feeling the damage today and what I have put my H through. The affects this has had on him. I could not stop feeling sad and needy until I was with H again. I did not bother him with it until we were together.
When I am with him I feel comforted and reassured and loved in spite of it all. thank you honey, I love you.
I cannot sell stuff well because I do not like to bother people. I want people to like me so I don't want to be obnoxious. I don't like salesmen to approach me because I do not like to say no. I do not like to disappoint. (I will though) I will rarely say no to a child selling whether I want what they are selling or not.
I have a lack of assertiveness. This I have always been told. The OM relationships started out as friends. As the friendships became "not just friends" I was not assertive enough to stop it though I tried. The fact that only part of me wanted to stop it did not help. It was certainly easier to "go along with it" and tell myself that I was already in too deep and I could not stop it.
So by not disappointing the OM, I hurt my H more than anything has ever hurt him. I caused a tornado to take our lives individually and collectively and tear them to pieces. An all consuming event that is changing us for the rest of our lives.
This caused me great pain today to think about. by not wanting to disappoint someone else I disappointed everyone. I was feeling the damage today and what I have put my H through. The affects this has had on him. I could not stop feeling sad and needy until I was with H again. I did not bother him with it until we were together.
When I am with him I feel comforted and reassured and loved in spite of it all. thank you honey, I love you.
Replies
true. maybe this is what happened to my wife too...
I love you too. :)
Gab, I am sorry that you were hurting yesterday, but I am glad that you are still working on you, and honest enough with yourself to recognize in yourself how you got to where you were.
Like you I am also a people pleaser,, I think women take on that burden more so then men. FYI, I ordered 4 boxes of gs cookies yesterday, and that was from little girl who came to the door,, I still have to order some from my niece or I\'ll be in trouble :)
Keep on working on you, and coming to terms with all that has happened and gotten you here, I know a lot of it is painful, But I think it is worth it in the end. I have great faith in you and Cole.