Another try.
Hello there.
This is my second support site... and I have mixed feelings about it.
So... the long and the short of it is... I was abused by a trusted family friend/employee thru my teen years...
Whatever, however, I have been, and am still incredibly sexually driven. I crave sexual attention from men. I've always been into mastrubation, playing at sex, whatever as a kid... and my hobbies in high school were having sex and reading. Literally.
Anyway, I had a few sexual partners in high school, and made very reckless decisions. Then I met my current husband, as a senior in highschool. I knew he was.... different. Just... I got good feelings from him.
I've been with him since (2005).
Recently our sexual relationship had waned... and I was going about out of my mind feeling like I was communicating that to him. I started therapy, I joined this other online forum.
People messaged me. Men messaged me. They understood what I was feeling. I felt validated and seen. And so fucking frustrtated because here were these men, who were SO WILLING to give me the attention that I wanted.
One guy in particular and I really hit it off. He felt exactly the same in his relationship... invisible... like he knew they lOVED him... but... it just wasn't enough.
We talked a lot about how to bring these things up with our spouses. About 80% of what we discussed was either trivial, or was theraputic in nature. Truly. We talked about our therapy sessions, etc.
Once a boundary was crossed - and it was... I mean... we were both feeling so frustrated and alone... and we understood eachother.
So. I cheated on my husband, in a virtual manner. Never in person, only thru texts and over the phone/video.
I told him. Or rather, I made zero attempt to hide it, and he accidentally (truly, he's not a snoop) stumbled on evidence of it. Now I've come clean. He knows.
I also am not talking to the other individual... nor have I signed on to that other site.. I owe it to my husband, and I fucking love and respect him enough to do that. To honor that.
Here's the thing though. I'm trying to have other avenues to get that attention and shit.
My husband has really really REALLY stepped up his game. We're sexually active/playing every day... we communicate and spend time together. We both agree, it's like we're dating again. He feels bad for having missed my HUGE FLASHING SIGNALS about how unhappy I was. He is genuinely trying. We both are. It's really beautiful and lovely.
But... I still miss the other guy. I miss his friendship. I miss his advice. I miss the feeling that I can say absolutely anything to him and he will be like, "yeah me too!". And... I miss how sexually in tune to eachother we are. I miss that.
I'm still in therapy... I've told her most of this... but... to be quite honest, I still don't know what I'm doing. I told her I feel less.... hopeless... but I wouldn't say I'm hopeful. If that makes sense.
Sigh...
This is my second support site... and I have mixed feelings about it.
So... the long and the short of it is... I was abused by a trusted family friend/employee thru my teen years...
Whatever, however, I have been, and am still incredibly sexually driven. I crave sexual attention from men. I've always been into mastrubation, playing at sex, whatever as a kid... and my hobbies in high school were having sex and reading. Literally.
Anyway, I had a few sexual partners in high school, and made very reckless decisions. Then I met my current husband, as a senior in highschool. I knew he was.... different. Just... I got good feelings from him.
I've been with him since (2005).
Recently our sexual relationship had waned... and I was going about out of my mind feeling like I was communicating that to him. I started therapy, I joined this other online forum.
People messaged me. Men messaged me. They understood what I was feeling. I felt validated and seen. And so fucking frustrtated because here were these men, who were SO WILLING to give me the attention that I wanted.
One guy in particular and I really hit it off. He felt exactly the same in his relationship... invisible... like he knew they lOVED him... but... it just wasn't enough.
We talked a lot about how to bring these things up with our spouses. About 80% of what we discussed was either trivial, or was theraputic in nature. Truly. We talked about our therapy sessions, etc.
Once a boundary was crossed - and it was... I mean... we were both feeling so frustrated and alone... and we understood eachother.
So. I cheated on my husband, in a virtual manner. Never in person, only thru texts and over the phone/video.
I told him. Or rather, I made zero attempt to hide it, and he accidentally (truly, he's not a snoop) stumbled on evidence of it. Now I've come clean. He knows.
I also am not talking to the other individual... nor have I signed on to that other site.. I owe it to my husband, and I fucking love and respect him enough to do that. To honor that.
Here's the thing though. I'm trying to have other avenues to get that attention and shit.
My husband has really really REALLY stepped up his game. We're sexually active/playing every day... we communicate and spend time together. We both agree, it's like we're dating again. He feels bad for having missed my HUGE FLASHING SIGNALS about how unhappy I was. He is genuinely trying. We both are. It's really beautiful and lovely.
But... I still miss the other guy. I miss his friendship. I miss his advice. I miss the feeling that I can say absolutely anything to him and he will be like, "yeah me too!". And... I miss how sexually in tune to eachother we are. I miss that.
I'm still in therapy... I've told her most of this... but... to be quite honest, I still don't know what I'm doing. I told her I feel less.... hopeless... but I wouldn't say I'm hopeful. If that makes sense.
Sigh...
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