Another try
I've been looking back since Sept. when I went NC and held out and deleted his attempts at contacting me for 4 months. Until I caved. And it started up again. I see a pattern. the last 4 months have been a roller coaster - he is either POURING his love to me or PULLING way back. When he feels he's "losing me" (his words) he comes on stronger, saying all the "right" things, opening up to me, confiding in me his "feelings", taking about "us" and a future..I could go on. The thing is, everytime I go back, I get even more emotionally connected to him, which makes me pull father away from my H. I am SO tired of this cycle. This is who he is. He will not change. I cannot change him. I cannot love him enough to change him. I see people who did all this work on each other prior to getting M thinking things will be different with them - they never are. History repeats itself with certain individuals.
The last few wks at home have been awful. My H and I talked of separation, we're no longer intimate, we're both depressed.
I am broken. I know I am. Not sure when or how I became this way. There were a lot of contributing factors. The positive thing is, I am slowly starting to see them. I am in the process of finding a IC to fix the things Ive learned about myself.
My H and I do have some serious issues. But when I am left to my thoughts, I do feel they can be fixed since thats what my H keeps telling me. And up until a few days ago, his actions weren't matching his words, but Ive seen a change. a positive one. This is where I belong.
I'm not sure what I'll do when he contacts me. Ive tried EVERYTHING - NC, ignoring, deleting, deleting without reading his txts, telling him I'm working on my M, you should work on your M, I feel awful cant do this anymore, we need time to figure our personal lives out, we owe it to our spouses and kids, we need space, we could never work out, the list is endless.
So if anyone has any new ideas on what I should do when he contacts me, I'm open to ideas. I do realize that's the fault lies within myself, that i feel bad when he contacts me, i trigger and really need to work on not feeling bad for him.
The last few wks at home have been awful. My H and I talked of separation, we're no longer intimate, we're both depressed.
I am broken. I know I am. Not sure when or how I became this way. There were a lot of contributing factors. The positive thing is, I am slowly starting to see them. I am in the process of finding a IC to fix the things Ive learned about myself.
My H and I do have some serious issues. But when I am left to my thoughts, I do feel they can be fixed since thats what my H keeps telling me. And up until a few days ago, his actions weren't matching his words, but Ive seen a change. a positive one. This is where I belong.
I'm not sure what I'll do when he contacts me. Ive tried EVERYTHING - NC, ignoring, deleting, deleting without reading his txts, telling him I'm working on my M, you should work on your M, I feel awful cant do this anymore, we need time to figure our personal lives out, we owe it to our spouses and kids, we need space, we could never work out, the list is endless.
So if anyone has any new ideas on what I should do when he contacts me, I'm open to ideas. I do realize that's the fault lies within myself, that i feel bad when he contacts me, i trigger and really need to work on not feeling bad for him.
Replies
see him for the monster he is, if it were LOVE, he would never dream of causing you to feel this way, or hurt you, HE IS BEING SELFISH, an asshole, who only wants what HE WANTS, this is NOT ABOUT YOU, it is about him, draw a picture in your head of him and make him UGLY, because he is...create a picture of repulsion, add smells, sounds, oooozing dripping slimey stuff, deseases, think about his wife, WHAT SHE WERE ME.....you have seen and read my heart, my agony, my destitude....I did not make my husband choose to do what he did to me, to us, and yet I am paying the consequence for what he chose...he is DOING THAT TO HIS WIFE....who the fk wants someone who can casually do that to someone else for selfish pleasure while ruining another persons life, THAT IS NOT LOVE!!!!! he doesn\'t care about you, his words are lies and poison....
I know, harsh, but really, if you are not happy in your marriage, please divorce your husband and find a real man, not the loser who IS MARRIED and wants you on the side...don\'t choose to be unhappy....hey maybe someday I\'ll take my own advice....HE isn\'t MY HUSBAND is he????
I do think of you. All the time. And i picture his wife. I hate myself for taking him back. I believe what he says to me. And i know thats MY problem. Im broken too for believing him. If you only knew how many times I\'ve said these things to him. I see the hurt in my H eyes these last few wks, since we\'ve been disconnecting and talking about a separation bc if our issues, and i cant even fathom the hurt he would feel if he knew. I know you dont agree on not telling. But since i am so desperately trying to end this for the last 7 months i just want to do it and put it behind me. I KNOW i need IC. I need to find my inner strength, morals, values - all which i tossed aside for this A. Thank you for sticking by me shegavehim, thru my numerous attempts at walking away from him. Prayers to you and your family.
No. Not harsh at all. I always appreciate your comments. And they help keep me strong and snap me outta it. Now i know i need IC to figure out WHY the Fck i cant just keep walking away! I fall for his words every time. I do realize that over the last 7 months he was the one that always initiated contact. So i guess in a very small, baby-step kind if way, thats a move in the right direction for me. I really dont know how you can not hate me for being a CS and you keep helping me. But I\'m glad you\'re here. :)
I hope you make choices to find happiness too. I really dont want to divorce my H. I want to fix things but i need his help to work on our issues. And i do think he can make changes.
As for HIM and your H, sadly, they do sound like they are cut from the same cloth. I can see how hard it is for me to walk away from a charmer and what we had in no way compares to the years and M you guys have together. Its so fckin hard.
The coming on strong and then pulling back sounds exactly like what my narc does. Your OM may not be a narc, but the roller coaster that he is putting you on is just as hellish as mine. You deserve better. Block him every way possible. Block his phone #, his email address, his FB page...whatever means you have for him to contact you. Then you don\'t have to worry about how you respond to when he contacts you. (Having said that, there are always work arounds and he could contact you if he got a new email address (for example). However, you should be able to slow him down quite a bit. He may also see that you are serious and give it up. You never know.
Oh Sweetie! I feel you so much. I say the same things! It is a vicious cycle. Please please proceed with the counseling. Try to save your M. If your H is a good man, you owe it to both of you. I am not sure if I will ever find my way back. I can barely live with what I have done. It\'s not too late for you.
Cindy unfortunately i cant block him. My H controls the bills n if block a phone number it appears on the bill. We hardly email. Txt and calling was our main means of communicating. And he\'s used a diff number once during our long stretch of NC. So i picked up n he said - oh hi it\'s me. I got a new phone number n im checking which numbers belong to who. (Meanwhile after 2.5 yrs he doesn\'t recognize a number hes dialed every single day??
Iris
Its never too late. I asked my H to separate and said im not in love with him anymore. And we have some serious issues w his p/a behavior. If we can work things out, you guys can. I pray for you guys. Take baby steps.
So your husband would see if.you blocked him but he doesn\'t see that you text every day? That seems kinda weird. Maybe hubby doesn\'t really look that closely.
Yeah...I look after my own cell phone (in fact, I do all our banking) and I do it all online. There is a record of every text sent and received, should I care to open it up and look at it.
I dont see the cell phone bills anymore. But do they really list every single txt or do they just tell the number of minutes used for txting? Bc H mentioned a few times that i used 1000 minutes txting, etc but i use my phone for work too. Every single txt wasnt listed tho.
You have my support no matter what you decide. I am at a stop over on my way to Florida, so just checking in real quick. You are in my thoughts.
But you can\'t see the content of the txt right? You cld just see the phone number right?
On my bill (I use Verizon wireless) you can see the number that every single text was sent to and the time. It would be pretty easy if his curiosity was piqued to look up or call the number that you were texting so often. That\'s how I discovered my husband\'s affair years ago.
Mine is the same as jaded, albeit the company is Telus (I am in Canada). In the account info online, I can look up every single text in the same way jaded can. It also indicates photos and videos sent.
Be careful, notmyself.
I\'ve always said this, that you can see everything and OM said that you can\'t. Grrrr! I am SO angry!! Especially since I\'ve been trying to end it. That\'s it. Today\'s is MY day to take back control. I know I\'ve said it before. But I\'ve been doubly inspired with jaded\'s journal post too!!
My M deserves my FULL attention!!!! Damn it! I want my H to be my warm blanket again!!!!!