Another Saturday night

Well, here I am. I am sitting here thinking I am fortunate indeed to feel as good as I do after reading posts from newer members. My heart breaks for them. I want to jump into cyberspace and hold them and tell them it will get better. I still have some very rough times. The other day I had to practically run out of a store that I went to in order to pick out a new rug. J and I never had a lot of money so we really enjoyed picking things out for the house together when we had the chance. I missed him so. And my wedding anniversary at the beginning of the month triggered a several day meltdown, but in general, for the moment at least, I have come to terms wiith the fact that J is in heaven and I am here. i believe he still helps me at times and God helps me a lot. Thank goodness. No way I could make it on this journey alone. I am so grateful for all my friends and families who have helped me along and for all the friends on DS. No way could I make it without the people who actually know what they're talking about.
I am sometimes unhappy with the lethargy that seems to take over, a kind of "why bother?" feeling, but I am learning to shrug it off and get going more and more. There is definitely no benefit to sinking into my recliner and asking God for the 4 millionth time why I can't just go be with J. Anyway, I get done what I need to. I am tutoring an adult in reading. This is pro bono work but it is so gratifying to see a grown woman who thought she was "dumb" come to life. It takes some exacting preparation, which I kind of enjoy. I'll also be teaching Spanish to grades k through 5 at a private school 2 days a week.  I need to keep on with Sacred Harp study and Chinese. I don't have much hope of of making significant progress in Chinese but the effort itself should be worthwhile. I was thinking of trying to turn the anniversary of J's death into a day to write to family and friends and express my gratitude for their ongoing support. Make it a gratitude day to thank God that I was married to James for almost 20 years and of course, dream a little about when we are together again. I am already trying to fend off a potential meltdown that day.
In doing some deep cleaning to this old house I found significant water damage to the structure of a wall. I woke up the other night stewing about it and I said aloud, "Now J., I'm really serious. I need help!" and immediately I heard in my head his voice calmly telling me to go to a local hardware store where he worked many years ago and ask for a reference for a carpenter and get an estimate. The next day I did go there, not even knowing if they made referrels of this nature and the girl at the check-out immediately handed me a business card and said that was the carpenter they use to do estimates. He is coming out Tuesday! That is how I know J still helps me! He helps in other ways too. Anyway, if the estimate is really huge I'll have to seek more work substitute teaching or paid tutoring. I own the house and must keep it up to live here or keep it up to sell it, and you can't give a house away around here now. Also, all my memories are here and my 3 dogs. The house is just post Civil War and has been weirdly added onto. J. did a lot of work on it, but he had to work so much at his emplyment, he couldn't get everything done. 
I feel my life is very dull and don't know what I should do about it. My next door neighbor died. I went down to hospice ot see her. I was glad I did as her family had gone back to Chicago. Now there is one more person to miss. 
I guess I should be grateful for dull. I've had enough excitement for a while. I love my darling more than ever. I know he still loves me and the kids and our friends. He is a loving spirit in the universe.
I'm grateful for:
my new party drugs: caffeine and anti-inflamatories
fans
meetings
friends
families
my darling's help, my God's forgiveness
music
crickets
dogs and cats
books
DS friends - I learn so much from you!