Another Really Bad Day
Today I started out getting to church early to practice the piano for our music group. After practice I started talking to a old friend and was sharing with him my pain. Then the tears. The tears they never seem to stop. The pain never seems to stop. I don't even know if I want it to. I don't know what I want. Yes I know what I want I want my son alive. I want to be visiting him, talking, eating pizza, having fun. Now I have my memories and my pain. I know it is early in my journey, but I want the tears to stop. But they can't it's just too hard, too painful, too too everything. How do you ever describe what you feel when you lose your child. I don't know, I have no answers. They say that God knows what your going through, even though I believe in God how does He know how this feels. Yes His son came to earth but He could always see him, and yes His son died a horrible death for us, but He got to be with Him again very soon. His son was never gone out of His sight is what I believe, but my son I can't see him, I can't talk to him, I can't hug him. I will one day see him again but he left too soon. Too soon to say goodbye. So many things he was doing for the work of God even on the day before he died. He could not talk due to the vent but conveyed for his wife to go pray with the family in the next room because they had just lost a family member. Always thinking of others, always doing God's work. He was a minister. He worked hard for God through the horrible pain he endured the last two years 20 days before he went to Heaven. What is the comfort of him being gone, there are the only things I know, he is in Heaven, he is well, he is not in pain, he is happy, he is again enjoying what God has to offer. Would it be so easy to stop loving God, to blame Him for taking my son too soon. Yes, but God loves me I know that, God loves my family, God loves everyone. I have no answer why my son had to go, I have no freedom from the pain I feel. The only joy I know is knowing where my baby is and one day we will be together again.
Replies
Sandi, It\'s ok to be angry with God. He does understand. I found myself feeling the same feelings you are. I held everything in for a long time, months. I wouldn\'t allow myself to feel the pain, the loss. Then it came to me and the tears started to flow. Relieving the emotion is healing, don\'t hold it in. Even in public, others understand, maybe not what you are going through but the pain that you must be feeling and the necessity for the tears. My son\'s been gone for just over a year. The tears still come. I only recently was able to look at pictures. Yes you will be with him again one day but I believe that he is with you now. I believe he is as near as he can be watching over you. Take some comfort in knowing that, it helps me get through the days sometimes. Being here on DS has been a great help, knowing there are people who are going through the same feelings and do understand. And finding there are people out there who, believe it or not, are worse off than we are. I hope I\'m helping you in some small way. Just know that I am here for you, to listen or whatever you need, cry with you?
Debbie
DEAREST SANDY, GRIEF IS A LIFE LONG PROCESS I DON,T THINK WE WIL UNDERSTAND WHY ALL THIS HAPPENS I MISS MY DAUGHTER SO MUCH AND IN THE VERY BEGGINNING I WAS LIKE YOU WHEN WILL I EVER STOP FEELING SO HORRIBLE WHT DID THIS HAPPEN MY DAUGHTER SUFFERED SO MUCH WHAT DID SHE EVER DO TO ANYONE???? WHAT DID I DO?? I LOST MY WHOLE FAMILY NOW MY DAUGHTER. THINGS WILL GET EASIER FOR YOU RIGHT NOW ALL YOUR EMOTIONS ARE OVERWHELMING YOU HAVE BEEN DEVASTATED AND IT IS DIFFULT TO IMAGINE LIFE BEYOND THIS CURRANT MOMENT. YOU WILL FIND THOUGH AS TIME GOES ON YOUR SADNESS WILL LIGHTEN AND MEMORIES OF YOUR SON WILL BRING GENTLE CONFORT TO YOU. LIFE ONE DAY WILL HOLD NEW HOPES AND DREAMS FOR YOU, BUT YOUR SON WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU I WANT TO HUG MY DAUGHTER HEAR HER VOICE KISS HER BUT IT IS NOT TIME YET. GOD BLESS YOU DEAR AND YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR ANGEL SON.. ILOOK AT PICTURES OF MY DAUGHTER BUT SOME DAYS AFTER 7 YEARS I CANNOT. WARM HUGS CHARCO
yes Sandy, hang in there, we are all praying for you, you happened on a very good group of caring, loving, and hurting people here,.... i honestly dont know, what i would have done, with out my friends, here, to help carry me thru these long, lonely nights,.. there always here, at least somebody is,.. and i try to be here for them, as much as i can, thanks again for your help, with the tips on the airlines, thats a huge savings!!! thanks again!
your friend, Dave
I have always thought of my loved ones as a gift or a treasure and can remember the feeling of being so grateful to have them in my life.So now that many of them are gone, I just try to be thankful for the time that I did get .I did not own them,no one ever promised me that I would have them forever,so sometimes I can be happy just thinking about the times that I got to share with them .
I should add that I mean more like a \"borrowed\" gift or a \"borrowed\" treasure.
Thanks to all who have responded. This group has helped a lot already. I do miss my son so much, but I know he is no longer in pain. I know he is in heaven and one day we will be together again. I love you Kenny, Mom/Sandi
Saw your new photos,very nice.What happened that caused your son to pass away ?