Another Really Bad Day

Today I started out getting to church early to practice the piano for our music group.  After practice I started talking to a old friend and was sharing with him my pain.  Then the tears.  The tears they never seem to stop.  The pain  never seems to stop.  I don't even know if I want it to.  I don't know what I want.  Yes I know what I want I want my son alive.  I want to be visiting him, talking, eating pizza, having fun.  Now I have my memories and my pain.  I know it is early in my journey, but I want the tears to stop.  But they can't it's just too hard, too painful, too too everything.  How do you ever describe what you feel when you lose your child.  I don't know, I have no answers.  They say that God knows what your going through, even though I believe in God how does He know how this feels.  Yes His son came to earth but He could always see him, and yes His son died a horrible death for us, but He got to be with Him again very soon.  His son was never gone out of His sight is what I believe, but my son I can't see him, I can't talk to him, I can't hug him.  I will one day see him again but he left too soon.  Too soon to say goodbye.  So many things he was doing for the work of God even on the day before he died.  He could not talk due to the vent but conveyed for his wife to go pray with the family in the next room because they had just lost a family member.  Always thinking of others, always doing God's work.  He was a minister.  He worked hard for God through the horrible pain he endured the last two years 20 days before he went to Heaven.  What is the comfort of him being gone, there are the only things I know, he is in Heaven, he is well, he is  not in pain, he is happy, he is again enjoying what God has to offer.  Would it be so easy to stop loving God, to blame Him for taking my son too soon.  Yes, but God loves me I know that, God loves my family, God loves everyone.  I have no answer why my son had to go, I have no freedom from the pain I feel.  The only joy I know is knowing where my baby is and one day we will be together again.