another rainy night !
Another rainy night, I know rain is important but right now I wish California had some of this. They are still in drought, I think. There's not a darn thing on Dish that I want to watch, I don't like shark week.lol Anyway, I was thinking about how Dr.s treat PTSS or is it PTSD ? I feel like some or most of my feelings can relate to the stress or depression that those who faced traumatic experiences in the military suffer with. The loss, devastation, grief that never seems to go away. Sometimes the disbelief that he is gone and trying to find my way. It's still hard to think of myself as single with no one who really knows my inner soul to converse with. Lonelyness, that's really tough. I really should join a grief group I guess. Reading these posts does help but putting a face to it might help me more. I know I have to keep the faith that my life will get better. I know I don't have near the troubles that alot of people on this site are dealing with, I am fortunate in so many ways but you know it just doesn't help.I still miss the way my life was before my husband was dx'd with cancer. The last 5 years we spent together and his suffering and death, all that is still so new in my memories. I guess that's why I think that PTSD, or whatever it's called, is what I am dealing with. I realize that I want and need, to try to move on. It's still hard for me to go to the Post Office or grocery store, so I must make myself move on. Still, I don't want to, I know that time will make things better, that's my hope anyway. I have been having health problems, blood pressure issues, that I need to keep on top of. I didn't have this so bad until my husband died. I think it is a broken heart, kinda silly thought ! While he was ill, I put-off taking good care of myself. I made sure he was okay enough before I would keep any Doctor's appt. I truly did devote myself to taking good care of him. I didn't want, and don't have any regrets. I think I wrapped myself up in total devotion and then one day all that is terminated, gone, and my world turned upside down !! It is like a state of shock. It takes awhile to take it all in. 44 years of being married, it probably does take awhile for things to get better, for adjustment. Another ramble, maybe it does help me to write my feelings down. !!??
Replies
Ruthann, we are very close in time in our grief journeys. I too feel as you do. We did everything in our power, putting our husbands needs above our own including our own health. Watching them slowly decline and eventually pass even though at least in my case I truly thought he would rally, he always did. Although maybe not to the same point as before. I too have no regrets with the years of care I gave. But now this lonelyness, this huge void, this purpose to push yourself often times beyond what you thought you were capable of and now that constant pressure is gone. He is gone and we are left to try to find some sort of sense for all of it. And God how I miss him. Our conversations, his smile, his touch, his interaction with our grand daughters and children. And yes I too want to move forward, this overwhelming loss is agony. And the thought of him not being here just to share is crushing. And it comes in waves. I have made myself leave the house, finish some work with the real estate market and somehow have managed to do more things than I could have a few months ago. But then I feel me sliding backwards and just wanting to curl up and sleep. We would have been married 40 years this coming November. So yep, damnit we aren\'t going to get through this in a snap, or as soon as outsiders feel we should, or even our children and friends feel we should. Though each of us are traveling our own unique journey, these wonderful people here get us. I do not feel like I am single, I still wear my rings (couldn\'t get them off without taking the finger off) lol. By I am still a Mrs. in my eyes. Just my Mr. is gone before me. I have hope that our futures will get brighter, if not then what\'s the point. Just such a strange unfamiliar scary way to feel. Hang in there Ruthann, I am with you, either beside you, ahead of you, or behind you. I pray that we can make this journey together. Hugs and Love, Michele
5 years of taking care of someone would exhaust anyone. When he was the centre of your universe it is devastating. It takes time. you can\'t get over something in 3 months when your marriage lasted 45 years. Be kind to yourself. take care of you now. big hug - Patti
Yes, Michele, I could have wrote your post for myself except for a few dates like for instance, I was married in August 1971. Other than that I can so very much relate and feel the same ways. They say time will lessen the sorrow and pain. We will eventually move on with our lives, it\'s just learning the coping skills. Well, I think that these ideas just don\'t help me right now, but I have no choice either way. We must go on, you know our husbands would want us to NOT suffer forever, like we have been. We have God and hope. We seek out comfort in other peoples\' words and we know we are not alone in this world with our feelings. We can lean on each others and find some a little bit of comfort. Hugs to you to and we are sisters in this journey. Ruthann