Another Problem...
Back in November of last year, I became my mother's primary caregiver... as best as I could being that I haven't been able to take care of myself, much less anyone else!!!... Anyway, back then my mom wasn't able to take care of herself alone, so she was trying to get a provider and we had just gotten that process started at the end of July...when she fell and broke her hip...and had to have surgery...and didn't come out of the surgery right away like she usually does... To make a very long story short, I started to have to make major life changing decisions for her because in the hospital she was diagnosed with high functioning dementia...so...I had to sign her in to a Skilled Nursing Facility...then...I had to have her transferred to a Rehab/Nursing home facility where she doesn't want to be....she cries...and asks me why she has to be locked up in these places when all she wants is to go home...well...it just kills me...because she was suffering and tired of living before this accident...and now...she is suffering even more, but now it's worse...because she needs 24 hour care...and I can't provide it...so I have to put her in this nursing home...then I have to worry about the financial aspect of everything...and of course, now I am faced with the reality of make end of life preparations...although she's amazingly healthy for a 94 year old with the exception of her pain, and limited mobility...and now this dementia....anyway...I can't care for her the way she deserves...now... she is a people person...me? not so much...her friends and distant family wants to know all about her, and where she is, and how she is doing...and I understand their concern...but to be perfectly honest their concern is not my concern!!!...I was told by someone via FB, that I shouldn't keep her away from them...that she's part of their family too...and that she has been for like 30 years...well...yeah! I know that...but she's been my family for my entire life...and I am struggling to do the best I can with this situation and really don't care about what other people think or want...I even had a friend request from my cousin, her niece, who I haven't heard from or talked to in almost 20 years!!!!....I mean really? If you didn't care when things were good, why are you bothering me now? ...that's honestly the way I feel...and me well, I divorced my extended family as soon as I was able to...they are just too hypocritical and fake for me...and I don't need them...and we don't need them... I don't know...am I right? or am I wrong? Not that it will change anything...because not until I'm ready and when I think she is ready will I tell them what they want to know... This is why...I am a very private person, and just don't like to share things with people...people only think about themselves and how they feel...and don't take into consideration other people and their feelings...I am really struggling with this... I struggle with my health, her health, but most of all I struggle with the question...am I really doing the right thing, even if I am doing it all by myself...and if I am really doing what is best for her and what she wants!!!!...cause most of time, I don't think I am...
Replies
I think you are doing the very best with what you have to offer. One person cannot care for someone 24/7 without needing a break at some point. That\'s why in facilities people work in shifts. I really do understand how people haven\'t been around much and all of a sudden they bring you back into the picture because you have something that they want(time with your mother) but if she is going to stay in a facility then maybe it is best if you ask her in a lucid time if she would like to see family and have her tell you who she wants information given to in this situation if this is possible and you should commend yourself on the care you have given her.
I feel you made the best decision as far as placing her in a facility where she will receive 24 hr care. I\'m an Occupational Therapist in a SNF so I understand the situation you are in, as difficult as it may be for you. You need to consider your health as well. As far as the extended family is concerned, I agree with Charliegirl and ask your mom if she would like to see them. Being in a strange facility is difficult enough, so her seeing other family members may help her ease the transition. How about putting up pictures in her room of family and friends? Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
Sending you hugs, comfort, and support!
This is not a fun position to be in I have been through similar position except not the care giver ..... My aunt was the care giver for my grand mother and she could do a lot for her self but she need a Cain to get around and would leave the stove on forgot it on .....and some times didn\'t market in time to the bathroom for a pee on time and my aunt worked I went at least once a weak to visit her when she was alon and usually more often so my aunt got her a nurse in to look after her while she was a work and my grand mother was to say the least not happy with that she was 92 and up until 90 had been doing every thing for her self then had to move in with her daughter ....so she woulfpd hit this person with her cane. She went through 3 people and them my aunt put her in a home ware she had her Owen room and they did all her meals and she did not lack visitors she was there for 2 years and never once did enemy one see her crack a smile so finally my aunt said she could come home if she let a nurse stay with her when ever mt aunt was not there so she agreed and she moved back .....she tried ti get me to let her bye me a house so we could move in with her .....but it wisent my call and I still had kids at home ....my aunt said it would be to hard for me to look after her. By my self You can\'t do it all your self and it is heart breaking when they just don\'t want to go to a home but some times it is nessery. ....with my mom .....she had had a stroke and had been having small stroks often and it came time my dad couldent look after her even with help so he sold his house and moved them both into a home so long as you could make it to the table for your meals you could stay there and there they had a big room. She pased away we had moved her to a place for those who were passing and we had someone there around the clock ...........when they have looked after them selves for so long they just. Don\'t want to be eneware but in there Owen home or like with your mom with you .......... But you have to think of your self to your health just make sure you visit and teller you love her bad be pashent .......my dad now 92 has sold his house because he can\'t keep it up enemy more. And is living with my sister. He said it I sent like living in his Owen home but he likes the walking trials and gets people to take him fore walks and other places .....so far he is still driving ..but he knowes it is better for him to be with others around I case he needs help ......and he has told all of us if the time comes that we can\'t look after him to put him in a home ........it is frustrating getting old and loosing your ability to look after your self I will keep you and your mother in my prayers ...... As far as the rest of the family you are the care giver and knowes what has been happening so don\'t feel bad about your decisions in regards to them. Take care ........rember it is ok to think about your health ......god bless
Please consider joining the \"Caring for Aging Parents\" support group:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Caring-For-Aging-Parents/support-group
You will find a lot of people there who are facing many of the issues you are right now, and are willing to share what has worked for them, and what has not.
You are doing everything in your power to make your mom comfortable. You are one person. Right now she needs care around the clock. You can\'t do that. Not even if you were healthy. It is just not possible. I\'m praying for you both. I have faith that God will help you both. I remember sending my grand father to a home. I also remember sending my father in law to a home. Both times it was extremely hard. I was comforted in knowing he was being taken care of all day all night. That is something none of us in the family could do. They do an excellent job in those places. My father in law died of cancer. They made sure he wasn\'t in any pain. That is something none of us could do in the family. My grandfather was suffering from dementia and a life long alcohol problem. He stopped drinking way before I was born. The damage to his body was already done. He only made it to 80. Visit your mom as often as you can. Know that when you are not there she is well taken care of. These things are hard. I know that. It is hard to see a loved one so sick and suffering. In a care place they suffer less. There is more than one person making sure that all needed medicines are given on time day and night. That alone is very hard for one person to do. Please don\'t think you made a bad choice. You made the choice that has her well being coming first. That is the best choice any one of us can do. Please don\'t have regret. She is in the right place. The Lord knows you did the right thing. The Lord knows you did a good thing. You may not feel it yet. But you will. As for her friends. Tell them were she is. Then its there choice if they want to come and find out for themselves. Put that burden in there hands then wash your hands clean of it. Because once they have the address of were she is its up to them to visit or not. God be with you both.