Another pretty average day
A non-eventual day to be sure. I’m really sick of our ISP. My internet is forever dropping out, or else it puts on that little yellow warning sign with the ! to let me know that I have no internet, yet I’m able to browse certain sites to a certain degree. In other words I can browse DS but I can’t go on Meebo and most of the pictures don’t load. Also the layout of the page is all wrong. It is so annoying. I’ve been thinking I’d write a letter to Telstra, which is a big telephone company who also installs the internet cables in order for us to get Broadband DSL. In the letter I thought of telling them to pull their finger out and ask them whether the thought of losing many contracts in my area satisfied them. I am just at my wit’s end with the internet. To have to pay $36.95 each month further adds insult to injury.
Today I spent most of the time either wrangling with the internet or going through all of my friends on DS, just to let you all know that I care and am here for you. It takes a good portion of time, but that’s only because of the internet. If I could browse at the speed I could type then the time to browse other people’s DS pages would be a cakewalk.
Tomorrow is my “Thanks But No Thanks” self-assertiveness session. I haven’t really thought much about it. I’ve kept myself pretty busy so I don’t have to think about it. Admittedly I am nervous but I think it will be a good session, especially because I am dreadful at telling people no. Which is evident in the next thing that happened to me. Today I had a missed call from my job network agency asking if I wanted to apply for a position where I used to work. I just don’t think I’m ready to work. I would love to work again, but I just don’t think now is the right time for it. My relapse has been really hard on me, and mum and I have talked about going on a Disability Support Pension for a little while during the time I’m recovering. I’m embarrassed at the thought of being on a pension, but I can’t deny that I do need help.
….
A few hours later…
So I went upstairs for dinner and then washed up. After I finished washing up mum started talking about how she hates liars and thieves and how they should all burn. I’m not sure if that’s burn in hell or just burn-die but it’s still rather hurtful even if it wasn’t directed at me. I’m really trying to gain people’s trust again so I can be seen in a positive light. I haven’t stolen anything and I’ve not told any lies. The only person I ever lied to was mum, and the reasons were that I knew I’d get into trouble and I didn’t want any further conflict with my mum. I know it probably doesn’t matter that I had a reason. I did what I did. I feel great remorse for what I did and I hope that someday I can be forgiven and trusted again.
Well after that mum started talking about this 70-year-old guy whose wife she is really good friends with. This old guy has been sexually harassing my mum, and she just laughed it off but I felt really sick to my stomach and it kicked up my anxiety. My hands starting shaking and I knew I had to get out of there. So I took refuge in the kitchen and just ate this liquorice piece that had been there for a couple of months in a sealed bag. The taste and the constant chewing just gave me a sense of relief. I don’t know how to describe it. It just grounded me for a moment. So then I asked mum if I could have an ice cream and she said yes, so I guess we’ll just call that my very soothing dessert. I hate having these panic attacks. I don’t know why I don’t hyperventilate though. I mean, when I’m really sobbing I’m prone to hyperventilation. But never in my attacks. I just feel really twitchy, and nervous, and like I have to get the hell out of there immediately.
I think the panic attack was brought on because of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child that I’ve only really been accepting probably the only last 3 or 4 months. Pretty much after Odie died. My whole world just fell apart then.
Speaking of which I got some bad news about the little guy I wanted to adopt. Because he is down in Sydney my mum pretty much told me I was an idiot for adopting him and I should (really there was no option given though) look at dog’s closer to here. She is actually shocked that I’m going to pay money to adopt a dog even though these dogs are really in need of loving homes, have been desexed, microchipped, wormed and had their shots. But microchipping is now mandatory, and I would’ve had to get him desexed anyway. I don’t know. I might still contact the rescue place and see if they could transport him up. Even if it came to an extra $100 I wouldn’t mind. At least I’d have the dog I want. But then I look at this dog and I can see Odie… Is that what I’m really looking for? Is there a part of me that hopes he’ll be just like Odie was… It’s weird I used to have this dog maybe a year before Odie. His name was Oscar, and I had to have him put to sleep at 15 years old because he had these seizures and one of them gave him brain damage. So there I was a year later at the RSPCA and these people brought in Odie to be surrendered. There were all these puppies that had been surrendered and Odie was 7 so he wasn’t likely to get a home. So I said I’d take him. Right then and there Odie was turned over to me and you wouldn’t believe it but he was exactly like Oscar. I swear sometimes I wondered whether Oscar’s soul had somehow been transferred into Odie. So now I wonder whether maybe looking at this dog I’m seeing Odie, hoping somehow he’ll be just like Odie was. I don’t know.
I’ve just had an idea though. I’ll get $500 together and if by that time the dog I want is still available I’ll take it as a sign and move forward in adopting him. So until that time I’ll put it out of my mind. No use worrying about something I can’t do anything about.
Well I guess I should spend a little time getting ready for tomorrow.
Today I spent most of the time either wrangling with the internet or going through all of my friends on DS, just to let you all know that I care and am here for you. It takes a good portion of time, but that’s only because of the internet. If I could browse at the speed I could type then the time to browse other people’s DS pages would be a cakewalk.
Tomorrow is my “Thanks But No Thanks” self-assertiveness session. I haven’t really thought much about it. I’ve kept myself pretty busy so I don’t have to think about it. Admittedly I am nervous but I think it will be a good session, especially because I am dreadful at telling people no. Which is evident in the next thing that happened to me. Today I had a missed call from my job network agency asking if I wanted to apply for a position where I used to work. I just don’t think I’m ready to work. I would love to work again, but I just don’t think now is the right time for it. My relapse has been really hard on me, and mum and I have talked about going on a Disability Support Pension for a little while during the time I’m recovering. I’m embarrassed at the thought of being on a pension, but I can’t deny that I do need help.
….
A few hours later…
So I went upstairs for dinner and then washed up. After I finished washing up mum started talking about how she hates liars and thieves and how they should all burn. I’m not sure if that’s burn in hell or just burn-die but it’s still rather hurtful even if it wasn’t directed at me. I’m really trying to gain people’s trust again so I can be seen in a positive light. I haven’t stolen anything and I’ve not told any lies. The only person I ever lied to was mum, and the reasons were that I knew I’d get into trouble and I didn’t want any further conflict with my mum. I know it probably doesn’t matter that I had a reason. I did what I did. I feel great remorse for what I did and I hope that someday I can be forgiven and trusted again.
Well after that mum started talking about this 70-year-old guy whose wife she is really good friends with. This old guy has been sexually harassing my mum, and she just laughed it off but I felt really sick to my stomach and it kicked up my anxiety. My hands starting shaking and I knew I had to get out of there. So I took refuge in the kitchen and just ate this liquorice piece that had been there for a couple of months in a sealed bag. The taste and the constant chewing just gave me a sense of relief. I don’t know how to describe it. It just grounded me for a moment. So then I asked mum if I could have an ice cream and she said yes, so I guess we’ll just call that my very soothing dessert. I hate having these panic attacks. I don’t know why I don’t hyperventilate though. I mean, when I’m really sobbing I’m prone to hyperventilation. But never in my attacks. I just feel really twitchy, and nervous, and like I have to get the hell out of there immediately.
I think the panic attack was brought on because of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child that I’ve only really been accepting probably the only last 3 or 4 months. Pretty much after Odie died. My whole world just fell apart then.
Speaking of which I got some bad news about the little guy I wanted to adopt. Because he is down in Sydney my mum pretty much told me I was an idiot for adopting him and I should (really there was no option given though) look at dog’s closer to here. She is actually shocked that I’m going to pay money to adopt a dog even though these dogs are really in need of loving homes, have been desexed, microchipped, wormed and had their shots. But microchipping is now mandatory, and I would’ve had to get him desexed anyway. I don’t know. I might still contact the rescue place and see if they could transport him up. Even if it came to an extra $100 I wouldn’t mind. At least I’d have the dog I want. But then I look at this dog and I can see Odie… Is that what I’m really looking for? Is there a part of me that hopes he’ll be just like Odie was… It’s weird I used to have this dog maybe a year before Odie. His name was Oscar, and I had to have him put to sleep at 15 years old because he had these seizures and one of them gave him brain damage. So there I was a year later at the RSPCA and these people brought in Odie to be surrendered. There were all these puppies that had been surrendered and Odie was 7 so he wasn’t likely to get a home. So I said I’d take him. Right then and there Odie was turned over to me and you wouldn’t believe it but he was exactly like Oscar. I swear sometimes I wondered whether Oscar’s soul had somehow been transferred into Odie. So now I wonder whether maybe looking at this dog I’m seeing Odie, hoping somehow he’ll be just like Odie was. I don’t know.
I’ve just had an idea though. I’ll get $500 together and if by that time the dog I want is still available I’ll take it as a sign and move forward in adopting him. So until that time I’ll put it out of my mind. No use worrying about something I can’t do anything about.
Well I guess I should spend a little time getting ready for tomorrow.
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