Another painfull day

Well here it is about 10 days out from the second of my first two infusions.  I hurt like HE!!.  I am so sick and tired of feeling like this.  I want to be able to move with out pain, I want to be able to have a clean house and nice flower beds.  I don't want my little grand daughter age 3 to help me put on my bed room slippers.  I hear about people in remission, I hear about people feeling good on their treatments and I wonder if it will ever happen to me.  I used to be a live for the moment, have a good time type of person and now I am depressed and crying, sometimes wishing I was dead and out of my misery.  Death doesn't scare me, my first born daughter is an angel waiting for me since she was 3 years old.  But I don't really want to leave my precious grand children either.        I am waiting and hoping and praying the Rituxan kicks in soon, I am hoping that my pain will go away and one day I will be able to laugh again.