Another Mid-Day Entry

I wanted to get down more stuff that my therapist said to me before I forgot- mostly that I need to let my past be my past and don't dwell on it too much, that I need to take charge of my future and not be ruled by my past cycles. It's hard, though, knowing that I'm in a "better myself" cycle and I do want to change for the good. I don't know when this cycle ends, so I guess that's a good thing- I can't sabotage myself by a certain date since I don't know when this cycle ends. Geo and I talked for a while today about my cycles and emotions, and he says I'm doing everything I need to do, and covering what needs to be covered in therapy. I guess that's a good thing, since he's the one now that needs to make a decision about whether we are going to stay together or not. It seems that he is leaning towards staying together based on the talk that we had today. I told him that I was planning on getting better, not worse of course. I should have said though that you never know how life is going to turn out, but I showed him measurable things I've been doing to show that I do want to get better- going to therapy and taking Depakote for example.
On the Depakote, I'm feeling the same. I'm not feeling any different in the way I eat and everything, but my mood swings have gotten longer. Longer mood swings are good, since I can mood swing so fast I'm changing moods every couple minutes. Geo said I was like those baby toys where you pull the string and it spins and says something like "The cow says 'moo'" and "The pink says 'oink'" that my moods just spin and you never know where it's going to stop. He says I'm in one of those moods right now, and that I need to be careful. I'm in bed typing this, but I'm sitting in bed on a heating pad. I don't need the heating pad too much, but it just feels good. The chair in the office makes my butt hurt, so I prefer typing in bed. Sometimes the bed makes my back hurt, but today my back is doing okay. Okay, back to the mood swings thing. Geo says I just need to avoid extremes and become more self-aware. I know I'm talking about what Geo said a lot, but it's because we had a good conversation today.
Back to what my therapist said- I need to forge my own path. I know I have the strength to do it, it's just getting the will up to do it. I'm already losing steam on the working out and food stuff, but that's also because I'm getting my ED tendencies back. I don't want to fall into the ED trap again. I don't know... maybe I should go for a walk or something... it's so pretty outside and I just want to think... that's kinda why I'm typing this... it's my way of thinking through the keyboard. I just put whatever's on my mind into the keyboard and onto the screen. Geo is starting dinner, so I have about an hour before I have to eat.. either go for a walk or play some Portal 2. I like that game :)