Another Holiday/Another First/
I always felt that Thanksgiving (now Turkey Day), and Christmas was way to close...for several reasons....all the food we eat on Turkey Day...makes the holiday food for Christmas (for me) just not taste as special. I won't eat turkey or dressing or anything that we usually have for Turkey Day before that day...I don't want my taste buds to be satisfied until the BIG Day...when all the trimmings are shared with others.
But now I even have another reason I feel the holidays are too close...Now with the death of my child holiday's are hard anyway...but having two holiday's as close as Turkey Day and Christmas....almost makes for a full long month of more heaviness we carry in our hearts. As I get through the 1st without Ken...it has been harder than I could have ever imagine...than 5 days after Christmas Ken left this world and for me inside I don't feel the joy of celebrating yet as yet again the fake face will be put on as we get through another Holiday.
I remember trying to convince myself as Mother's Day approached...it is just a made up day....so why let it upset you so much...If they had never made a Mother's Day that day in May would not make me feel more sad. It didn't work...as hard as I tired to tell my mind it was just another day....it remained Mother's Day and my first without Ken being able to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.
Then come birthdays...other special days...some thing that just makes me miss my son even more if that is possible..but these special days without Ken just add to the pain I always feel in my heart.
Years past I loved Christmas, I loved searching for the right present for the person I was buying for....and for my Ken that was eagles....even though last year Ken was still here on Christmas and awake...I could not find an eagle. It always has to be the right eagle and hospital gift shops don't offer much to choose from. So I didn't find the special eagle last year and not knowing that was Ken's last Christmas with us...I had no Eagle for him to see. I feel sad about that...
My joy and excitement for the Christmas season is now gone...as is for all the other days since Ken left...how can there be joy when the heart is broken.
So in a few days, another first will happen, Christmas, then 5 days later another really bad first will happen..the day my son died...and in comes the New Years another year begins without Ken.....and all those days will start again...always sad days now and forever, but those special days, those holidays, birthdays will all start again...now and forever more.....these are now just sad days for me...
Missing you so much Ken this holiday season....miss the family times we shared and watching the excitement on the kids faces.....Know you are very missed..you here in my heart just really wish you were still here in person. Another holiday will come and go and my heart is so broken.....Love you son...I know your happy....I know you can now soar with the eagles, but mom is sill going to look and find that special eagle for you and it will sit beside your picture...You may be gone from my sight....but you are never out of my heart....I love you Ken....Mom
But now I even have another reason I feel the holidays are too close...Now with the death of my child holiday's are hard anyway...but having two holiday's as close as Turkey Day and Christmas....almost makes for a full long month of more heaviness we carry in our hearts. As I get through the 1st without Ken...it has been harder than I could have ever imagine...than 5 days after Christmas Ken left this world and for me inside I don't feel the joy of celebrating yet as yet again the fake face will be put on as we get through another Holiday.
I remember trying to convince myself as Mother's Day approached...it is just a made up day....so why let it upset you so much...If they had never made a Mother's Day that day in May would not make me feel more sad. It didn't work...as hard as I tired to tell my mind it was just another day....it remained Mother's Day and my first without Ken being able to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.
Then come birthdays...other special days...some thing that just makes me miss my son even more if that is possible..but these special days without Ken just add to the pain I always feel in my heart.
Years past I loved Christmas, I loved searching for the right present for the person I was buying for....and for my Ken that was eagles....even though last year Ken was still here on Christmas and awake...I could not find an eagle. It always has to be the right eagle and hospital gift shops don't offer much to choose from. So I didn't find the special eagle last year and not knowing that was Ken's last Christmas with us...I had no Eagle for him to see. I feel sad about that...
My joy and excitement for the Christmas season is now gone...as is for all the other days since Ken left...how can there be joy when the heart is broken.
So in a few days, another first will happen, Christmas, then 5 days later another really bad first will happen..the day my son died...and in comes the New Years another year begins without Ken.....and all those days will start again...always sad days now and forever, but those special days, those holidays, birthdays will all start again...now and forever more.....these are now just sad days for me...
Missing you so much Ken this holiday season....miss the family times we shared and watching the excitement on the kids faces.....Know you are very missed..you here in my heart just really wish you were still here in person. Another holiday will come and go and my heart is so broken.....Love you son...I know your happy....I know you can now soar with the eagles, but mom is sill going to look and find that special eagle for you and it will sit beside your picture...You may be gone from my sight....but you are never out of my heart....I love you Ken....Mom
Replies
I feel exactly the same way, Sandi. Melissa died during Thanksgiving week and Christmas was her favorite holiday. Her birthday is in February so from November to February are hard. Then Mother\'s day and my birthday in July. None of those mean the same anymore and it\'s been 2 years last month. I don\'t think I will ever feel any different. Just know we are here for each other and none of us are along. Hugs, Connie C.
Everyone handles the firsts differently and that is okay!! Last year was my first Christmas. I was desperate for some joy around, so I decorated like a mad woman. I guess I was trying to mask the pain. Actually, I wanted it festive for everyone as well as myself. Now this year I am not into the decorating. Don\'t be afraid for people to see the sadness as they will expect it anyway. My heart goes out to you and you will remain in my prayers at the difficult time!! LInda
I can relate too. The holidays just suck.
I really don\'t remember much about Christmas last year. We tried to make it as upbeat as possible because we knew Lisa would have wanted us to make it a positive experience for her beautiful daughter Cevyn.
Lisa died on the 1st of December 2009. It was to be the first Christmas for the whole family here in Calgary in 10 years (we had spent it in Ottawa and our son went to his in-laws\' in Edmonton). Her ticket was booked for the 15th of December. Instead we had the whole family at a funeral in Ottawa, and a memorial in Alberta on the 27th.
Many hugs. I am crying with you.
Marlene - Lisa\'s Mum
There is just no easy way to get around the holidays.....we do smile and nod our heads and wish each one a Merry Christmas....what a charade!! I miss my Brandon and buying for him....when I see something that would be perfect for him is when it is the saddest for me....I so want to buy it and wrap it. I pray that we all have the power and grace to get through these days and on into the next year....to do it all over again. With God\'s grace and love....we can do this. Love, dale...brandon\'s mom
My first Christmas after Jenn died I put a wreath on the door. My hubby asked if I was decorating and I told him I did it. Last year, the wreath on the door and my nativity. This year the wreath,the nativity and a bow on the light outside... don\'t know if I will every fully decorate again, have thought about putting up the tree but don\'t have the oomph to do it.
My shopping is done at TD Bank.. gift cards for all. Yeah it is a cop out but the kids love it and it sure is easy.
ML
It is very sad now to have a holiday to \"celebrate\". I agree Sandi. I hope the upcoming days are at least gentle for you. Love to you and beloved Ken, Linda
From August to New year to many memories to much sadness. 8-24 he passed away, Nov. thanksgiving and his birthday, then christimas then yes the new year but its just another year that I have too learn how to live with out my boy. It has been five yrs and I find that at times I am okay. But then at other times I just want to give up..I miss the spark I miss the magic of the holidays..I miss that beautiful smile on his face and to watch him light up because I was able to get him the one thing he truely wanted. I know he is in no more pain and I know he is better off. But I miss him. The first christmas without him I took every christmas decoration I had except for the special ones gave them away and broke some and destroyed them and threw them away because I was so angry that he was gone. My first New Year well I almost took my own life. I just wanted to go to sleep and feel no more pain. I still do but I choose not to go down that path and that is because of my wonderful friends here at DS. Love you all
We can all relate to what you are feeling. My Raymond died 11/11/09. Prior to that, the plan was for him to fly from college to Ft. Worth to see us (his parents) and his grandparents, whom he hadn\'t seen in a few years. This would have been our first time to see Raymond again since we left him for his freshmen year of college in August, 2009. Well, Raymond died about two weeks prior to that Thanksgiving trip and my husband I had his funeral on Nov 15. We decided that we must still make that Thanksgiving trip to Ft. Worth. My parents weren\'t well enough to make the funeral and it was IMPORTANT that they see us and that we were \"okay\". We also had a CD of the funeral service, so they could hear it.
That was the most difficult Thanksgiving that I ever experienced in my life. Coming from the state known for Pilgrims, it\'s one of my favorite holidays, though I live in TEXAS now. This Thanksgiving, we opted to spend with our friends--another couple and their one son. Only 5 of us total rather than the 30 relatives we usually are with. Couldn\'t handle a crowd and wanted a very low-key holiday, which our friends were just as happy with.
Back to 2009 and December....Raymond\'s birthday is Dec 28th--about 6 weeks after he died. We got anyone who wanted to come with us and we all met at Raymond\'s favorite Mexican restaurant in honor of the 19th anniversary of his birth. It was a very nice time--bittersweet, but nice. This year, Dec 28, 2010 will be the 20th anniversary of Raymond\'s birth. Something about that milestone--that he would have been 20 years old-- that is more difficult to handle. The plan is to do the same as last year----however, the restaurant closed due to the economy and we will have to go to another Mexican restaurant to commemorate the occasion.
Ken and eagles....it was Raymond and penguins. We have penguins all over the house. More have been given to us since Raymond died, so they are multiplying like rabbits. Makes me smile to see them though.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It helps all of us to see that these are very normal feelings and part of the bereavement journey we all face, particularly at the holidays.
Elaine, Raymond\'s Mom
I\'m thinking most of my year is shot. Zack died 9/19/10. His birthday 10/19. My birthday 11/16. Thanksgiving, Daugher\'s birthday 12/5. Christmas. HIs daughter born 3/24. I didn\'t get to decorate last year because our house burned and our pets died and I just couldn\'t. I don\'t own any decorations and don\'t plan to buy any this year. With Zack it was knives/swords. I\'m still buying them. We \'ve decided to continue his collection and to pass it down as his to my daughter\'s future child. Something from Uncle Zack.
I would like to ease your pain. I think as much as you don\'t like the pain, you probably would not willing give it up. I wish for you instead the strength to endure and come out on the other side. Every day we live is a step closer to seeing our children again.
Gentle thoughts your way. I understand. Hugs, Joanie
I understand so well...my \"stuff\" is all pushed together too. Thanksgiving is Kala\'s favorite, then Christmas, then Jan 2 (accident), then Jan 26 (her birthday). No matter how \"strong and positive\" I am....my heart aches just a little more during this time. A lot of moms have their \"stuff\" spread out every couple of months over the entire year....our \"stuff\" is lumped together. There\'s no easier or better...it\'s just what it is and somehow we manage to get through it. Sending lots of love and understanding~~Teri
I had to put up the tree, so Alaina & Hailey decorated it while I was out shopping. I came home they made me close my eyes took my hand then showed me their creation \" the christmas tree\" .
If it wasn\'t for the girls who are 5 no tree would be up at my house....
Hugs Penny
I understand how you feel about the holidays. My mom died on 12/01/2006, 4 weeks later my sweet son Terry got killed riding a motorcycle on 12/29/2006 buried him on 01/01/2007, then on his birthday my nephew Trey was killed while riding a bicycle 04/20/2007. I work at our public library helping with children programs and I couldn\'t do it for a couple years. Just last year I was able to really throw myself back into working the kids. For the past three 3 years I had to make myself send Thanksiving and Christmas cards out. This year I actually felt it was something I wanted to do and not because it was it was expected. I pray that God will comfort your hearts and lift you up.
Love always
Debbie
It is a very tough time! My son died on the Saturday before Thanksgiving and his Memorial Service was two days before \"Turkey day\". It was his favorite holiday.