Another Holiday/Another First/
I always felt that Thanksgiving (now Turkey Day), and Christmas was way to close...for several reasons....all the food we eat on Turkey Day...makes the holiday food for Christmas (for me) just not taste as special. I won't eat turkey or dressing or anything that we usually have for Turkey Day before that day...I don't want my taste buds to be satisfied until the BIG Day...when all the trimmings are shared with others.
But now I even have another reason I feel the holidays are too close...Now with the death of my child holiday's are hard anyway...but having two holiday's as close as Turkey Day and Christmas....almost makes for a full long month of more heaviness we carry in our hearts. As I get through the 1st without Ken...it has been harder than I could have ever imagine...than 5 days after Christmas Ken left this world and for me inside I don't feel the joy of celebrating yet as yet again the fake face will be put on as we get through another Holiday.
I remember trying to convince myself as Mother's Day approached...it is just a made up day....so why let it upset you so much...If they had never made a Mother's Day that day in May would not make me feel more sad. It didn't work...as hard as I tired to tell my mind it was just another day....it remained Mother's Day and my first without Ken being able to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.
Then come birthdays...other special days...some thing that just makes me miss my son even more if that is possible..but these special days without Ken just add to the pain I always feel in my heart.
Years past I loved Christmas, I loved searching for the right present for the person I was buying for....and for my Ken that was eagles....even though last year Ken was still here on Christmas and awake...I could not find an eagle. It always has to be the right eagle and hospital gift shops don't offer much to choose from. So I didn't find the special eagle last year and not knowing that was Ken's last Christmas with us...I had no Eagle for him to see. I feel sad about that...
My joy and excitement for the Christmas season is now gone...as is for all the other days since Ken left...how can there be joy when the heart is broken.
So in a few days, another first will happen, Christmas, then 5 days later another really bad first will happen..the day my son died...and in comes the New Years another year begins without Ken.....and all those days will start again...always sad days now and forever, but those special days, those holidays, birthdays will all start again...now and forever more.....these are now just sad days for me...
Missing you so much Ken this holiday season....miss the family times we shared and watching the excitement on the kids faces.....Know you are very missed..you here in my heart just really wish you were still here in person. Another holiday will come and go and my heart is so broken.....Love you son...I know your happy....I know you can now soar with the eagles, but mom is sill going to look and find that special eagle for you and it will sit beside your picture...You may be gone from my sight....but you are never out of my heart....I love you Ken....Mom
But now I even have another reason I feel the holidays are too close...Now with the death of my child holiday's are hard anyway...but having two holiday's as close as Turkey Day and Christmas....almost makes for a full long month of more heaviness we carry in our hearts. As I get through the 1st without Ken...it has been harder than I could have ever imagine...than 5 days after Christmas Ken left this world and for me inside I don't feel the joy of celebrating yet as yet again the fake face will be put on as we get through another Holiday.
I remember trying to convince myself as Mother's Day approached...it is just a made up day....so why let it upset you so much...If they had never made a Mother's Day that day in May would not make me feel more sad. It didn't work...as hard as I tired to tell my mind it was just another day....it remained Mother's Day and my first without Ken being able to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.
Then come birthdays...other special days...some thing that just makes me miss my son even more if that is possible..but these special days without Ken just add to the pain I always feel in my heart.
Years past I loved Christmas, I loved searching for the right present for the person I was buying for....and for my Ken that was eagles....even though last year Ken was still here on Christmas and awake...I could not find an eagle. It always has to be the right eagle and hospital gift shops don't offer much to choose from. So I didn't find the special eagle last year and not knowing that was Ken's last Christmas with us...I had no Eagle for him to see. I feel sad about that...
My joy and excitement for the Christmas season is now gone...as is for all the other days since Ken left...how can there be joy when the heart is broken.
So in a few days, another first will happen, Christmas, then 5 days later another really bad first will happen..the day my son died...and in comes the New Years another year begins without Ken.....and all those days will start again...always sad days now and forever, but those special days, those holidays, birthdays will all start again...now and forever more.....these are now just sad days for me...
Missing you so much Ken this holiday season....miss the family times we shared and watching the excitement on the kids faces.....Know you are very missed..you here in my heart just really wish you were still here in person. Another holiday will come and go and my heart is so broken.....Love you son...I know your happy....I know you can now soar with the eagles, but mom is sill going to look and find that special eagle for you and it will sit beside your picture...You may be gone from my sight....but you are never out of my heart....I love you Ken....Mom
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