Another good day

Another good day... Another confusing outcome.  I am confused as to what I could do to become better if anything.  Today I was talking to my mom about how she got me back to Amman and I realized that it is something that I cannot do anything about and that my mom loves me and she did not want to hurt me (my mom was surprised that I said that she she didn't want to hurt me, it sure looked that way to me).  I realized that my mom loves me too much to hurt me and that she wants what is best for me.  So now if we discuss the possibility of going to Canada again she doesn't not say no, but she wants to make sure that I am stabe on these mediaction before I go.  It makes sense.  Now I have realized that my mom will love me no matter what.  I still do not know if my dad loves me and that is very hurtful.  I realized also something that when I scream at cars in the street, it is like I am screaming at my mom who is sitting next to me.  It is like I am venting all the anger at her, but she is not at fault.  How cruel is screaming at my mom because a car in street pissed me off.  I realized that my dad screams at my mom for everything and anything that happens.  What a cop out.  Instead of taking responsibility of the actions he screams at my mom for them and at me for them for that matter.  How scary!  My mom is sustaining my life I feel now.  Actually thinking about it, the same way I am not accepting the blame my mom for anger from cars isn't it important not to accept that she is sustaining my life?  Arn't I putting a lot of load on her instead of myself?  Whatever.