Another first since
I spent the night at my son's house for the first time since he took his life there. I have not been there for more than a pick up /drop off before this. My daughter in law took a trip to Florida, and 8 wanted to help her Mom take care of our grandson. It was good to spend time with my grandson, and I really thought thatI was dealing well until I got home.
While I was there my 16 year old got a black eye at school playing hockey in gym. Normal boy stuff I know, but when I saw it I just wanted to kiss it away! He said no loudly..such a man..then thought better of it and said that I could kiss it if I gave him 5 bucks. Well, I said sure and went to kiss him and just started sobbing uncontrollably as if he had been killed and both he and my 30 year old son that was there just said OK..Ok..just kiss it...it is ok. After I tenderly kissed it..my son graciously declined the 5 bucks after all.
I guess I hadn't taken it so well, standing in Patricks kitchen and looking out on the spot where he was last breathing. It is so hard to give the living what they deserve of me and grieve at the same time. I want to honor Patrick and still live normally for my living sons. Please Father, give me the wisdom to do both well.
While I was there my 16 year old got a black eye at school playing hockey in gym. Normal boy stuff I know, but when I saw it I just wanted to kiss it away! He said no loudly..such a man..then thought better of it and said that I could kiss it if I gave him 5 bucks. Well, I said sure and went to kiss him and just started sobbing uncontrollably as if he had been killed and both he and my 30 year old son that was there just said OK..Ok..just kiss it...it is ok. After I tenderly kissed it..my son graciously declined the 5 bucks after all.
I guess I hadn't taken it so well, standing in Patricks kitchen and looking out on the spot where he was last breathing. It is so hard to give the living what they deserve of me and grieve at the same time. I want to honor Patrick and still live normally for my living sons. Please Father, give me the wisdom to do both well.
Replies
You are being so courageous in doing what you are. It is all that you can give for today and is enough, more than enough. It is something that each of us worries about greatly yet it is a life lesson for our surviving children. They get to witness that we need time to heal our hearts before we can give anything to anyone. It is not a selfish act, yet one of honoring and loving oneself enough to cocoon and do the work of healing.
Gentle care to you today as you give yourself what you need even when you are not sure of what it is... Mothers especially feel this need to be all things to all people and it is just an unrealistic expectation. Your presence is enough for today even if you feel that you are a \"shell\" of a presence. You are standing, trying, putting one foot in front of the other and there is nothing \"normal\" about any of this anymore. You are learning how to live in this \"new normal\" and there are no guide books or road maps. Just many hearts and hands to grab a hold of. Give yourself many pats on the back for what you are able to do and don\'t look too far into the distance. Just this moment and just this day... This has saved me to keep coming back to this mantra when I begin to feel overwhelmed.
Loving care to you today from me,
XO Joanie
We never know when a trigger will hit. I really dislike that, I feel so out of control. This journey is very bumpy, but I hope you are feeling the love here.
Your sons are also grieving. We made it a family thing here but for awhile my husband and I were on different pages. It was not a threat to our marriage because we knew it would pass in time. Things are better now.
Joanie is right moment to moment, one day at a time.
Much love to you,
Leda
You are so courageous. I find it hard to go to my daughter\'s house still.
I think seeing our children hurt reminds us what we\'ve lost. This journey is a series if ups and downs - I am thinking that you are doing the best you can do and that is just fine.
Love and hugs, Marlene