Another First
Last night was another first for me. Going to a family function (big, extended family function) without pre-drinking. Such a huge difference! I was able to just drive there, without having to negotiate the big question, WHO'S GOING TO DRIVE? I drove, and my husband drove separately, because he wanted to go from there to his brother's house to watch a game. There was no debate, there was no arguing, you know, those one-sided arguments, where I know I can't drive, and he doesn't know why I'm so insistent that HE drive... Those one-sided arguments can be gone from my life. My poor husband, imagine arguing with someone for 15 years, and half the time not even knowing what the argument is about! Also, preparing to go and getting my people in the car was nice too, for a change. I just got ready, and let the kids decide if they wanted to go. No dragging, pushing, pulling, guilt, pressure.... nothing. The girls stayed home, and the boy went. It was lovely. Truly. I'm so done insisting that everyone do EVERYTHING together. We're still a family. It's fine if they do their own thing at times. Holy shit, it feels so good. I feel free. I was a little lost for a while. At my uncle's house. I didn't know how to sit at table and converse. I had to sort of "find" myself. I started talking with my girl cousins, and usually, I don't even spend any time with them at all... It was strange. I talked and I listened, and I actually RETAINED some of the things they said!!! For years, I have repeatedly asked them where they're working, at every family function, and I never remember their answers!!! I never retained ANYONE'S information, because I wasn't listening, I was impaired, I was drinking... I hugged people and didn't have to worry if they could smell alcohol on me. Which makes for a more genuine hug, lemme tellya. I actually felt it. I felt love when I hugged them, instead of guilt and fear. Sappy, I know, but true. I talked with my sisterinlaw. I usually do, but I don't listen to her side of the conversation enough. We talked and we commisserated about teenage daughters... It's what we usually talk about, but this time I was completely "present". It wasn't just Me and My Agenda, I was actually listening and responding to her stuff too. That's new for me. I feel more generous. I really do. I can feel my social skills coming back to me. I'm friendlier, less needy for attention, more caring, more accommodating (in a GOOD way). There's more to me now. When I'm drinking, I'm one-dimensional.My sister wasn't there (she's in Toronto with her friend, Angela. Notice, I don't call Angela her "best friend" because I AM her best friend, whether she knows it or not.) But I missed her so much! I know that wouldn't happen if I were drinking, I'd be too busy being loud and obnoxious to notice that my sister wasn't there. There are so many more things to take note of, to experience, to remember, when you're not drinking. Alcohol mutes the colors of your life.
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