Another failed cycle

This month marks 1 year off birth control and about 9 months of full force, active TTC. I already had a feeling this cycle wasn't going to take as I am so in tune with my body these days and I started feeling period cramps on Sunday evening. My TWW was up this Friday, but I still couldn't wait to test. At 10 DPO I got a stark white FR pregnancy test result. Although I fully expected it, it wasn't any less painful. 

This Sunday at church, I prayed to make 2018 different than last year. I would put my faith in God and let go of stressing over making a baby. I would instead pursue what I believe He has called me to do and that is foster care. I prayed to trust in His timing and to be grateful for all that He has done for me. I was feeling so optimistic, even happy! That was before my negative test result. Does it ever get any easier? I just want to get to the point where I am at peace with not getting pregnant and just accept my fate. At the same time, I DO believe the Lord will bless me with a child. I have recieved this promise and I am hanging onto it for dear life. Sometimes, hope is all I have to get me through the darkness and to persever through another cycle.

As far as a health update, I have a second appointment with my new fertility doctor on the 17th. I had to seak a second opinion and this new doctor really seems to care about me and my situation. He sent me for a whole bunch of labs (some repetitive, some new) and all came back normal except for the progesterone which I havent recieved results for yet. If all comes back normal, the next step is laparoscopy. I'm hoping, if there is any blockage, the surgery will clear it out and we can get pregnant naturally. If not, I will pray about doing an IUI. If it is God's will, it will work or it won't.

Right now, I just want to focus on TODAY and not stress about the future. I want to get back into shape (I gained 30 lbs this year from stress), I want to continue making my house a home and decorating it as I invisioned, I want to go back to Bible study and learn the Word, I want to spend more time with loved ones instead of worrying about things that can wait until later. I want to get closer to God and get involved with my church. This year, I want to focus on being my best self and bringing others to Christ.

My prayers are with you all my sisters. May the Lord bless you and give you all the desires of your heart.