Another Exposure Therapy With My Therapist

I went back to my therapist today.  She was friendly.  I guess I was too.  Eventhough I’m mad it’s hard for me to stay mad or act mad when I’m in the situation.  First she wanted to know how I felt about my little granddaughter’s leg amputation.  Then I told her we need to review what we did last week – I can’t remember everything when we do these things.  Then we talked about what I wanted to do today and next week in more preparation for this first coming trip.   I only mentioned about not talking in the tape recorder once and she completely did not want to talk about it and ignored the comment.  See … she doesn’t want me to.  But, what am I supposed to do?  I know … journal.  But it’s not the same – it’s not telling her, she’s not reading these journals.  And, she did not saying anything about me ignoring her the other night.  Either she didn’t notice, didn’t care or just wanted to move on and not bring it up.   I had a bag with me.  In the bag were 2 “diapers” that she practiced with me (she tried on) last year before my girl trip.  Last year, I think she knew it would be hard convincing for me to wear them so she actually volunteered to go to the bathroom and put one on herself – we did it 2 times with 2 different brands.  So I brought them back for her but couldn’t bring myself to bring my own.  I did bring 2 packages of the heavier pads (2 different brands) to practice with today.  I wanted to see if they work while sleeping so I wouldn’t have to wear a “diaper”.    So when I had to go to the bathroom I put one on while she turned away.  Do you know what she did while I turned away?  She put one of the “diapers” on over her pants just to be funny – the itchy/scratchy one with the tabs.  She wanted to make me feel more comfortable and make a joke about it.  That was nice of her.  We laughed.  She did look silly!  She said, though she had to take it off because she was seeing more people today.  Why?  Ha Ha.   I wanted her to look to see if the heavier pad showed under my pants but I happened to have had to go to the bathroom real bad on the way inside to see her so my pants were a little wet because I didn’t make it all the way.  Just in the front, not in the back or down the legs.  I didn’t want to tell her at first – embarrassed.  A couple times, I think, she thought I acted “funny” and asked what was going on but I wouldn’t say.  It’s that shame thing.    So after I put the pad on she asked me how I felt.  I told her like a baby – it feels big & bulky.  I said something about not being able to tell if this works and talked about if I wanted her to see if it showed under my pants.  So that’s when I admitted that my pants were already wet a little.  She said, “That’s OK!” very understanding, and didn’t ask why or when or anything.  So I did have her look at my back side and she said she couldn’t see anything, nothing big & bulky.  We couldn’t really see everything, though, for sure because I never want her, or anyone, to see my pants wet.  Who would?  What scares me is it may happen some day.  That’s why I have to overcome this and can’t seem to.  I don’t think she thinks it’s such a big deal.  But to me it is.   So it had to be real like I was laying down sleeping.  I sleep on my tummy most of the time so I asked her to lay down with me – across from me – so I didn’t feel so funny doing it by myself.  She did but didn’t lay all the way down like she did last year when we tried this.  Maybe because of her mastectomy about a month or so ago or maybe her wig.  I don’t know and I was for sure not going to ask.  It didn’t really matter.   I was worried I was going to get her rug wet if this heavier pad didn’t work so I laid on top of a plastic bag.  I really had to go by then and as soon as I laid down I started going.  I guess the pressure on my bladder from laying.  I remember saying, “Oh, my God, I can’t hold it at all!”  I kind of put my head down because I couldn’t look at her.  I don’t think it was down for very long and I don’t remember what was said at all during it at all.  But about 30 seconds or so later she asked me, “What’s happening?”  I said, “Nothing.”  So she asked me if I was done.  Yes.   Then we had to look and see if it worked or not.  Well, I had to look.  I still won’t let her.  First I just felt and my shirt was wet again so the first thing I told her was that it must not have worked because of my shirt.  I had forgotten to pull it up before.  Thank goodness it wasn’t as wet as last week – just a little.  Then she looked away while I kind of rolled to the side to really look.  It didn’t work at all.  My pants were really wet.  I think because those pads only cover so much in the front and since I was laying on my tummy it all goes to the front.       I had to somehow get up, get changed without anyone seeing anything.  She asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom or do it in the room?  I just basically shrugged I didn’t know.  So she decided she’ll leave and I’ll change there in her office.  I told her that was good because I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing me on the way to the bathroom.  So that’s what I did.  She knocked before she came back in and I was already changed.  She’s very good about letting me have my privacy.   So we worked on more about me not getting into that shame mode and freezing.  She said I can think more clearly if I don’t.  And, it’s true.  I not only can’t think clearly I don’t remember things that were said or happened.  She asked me when last time we did this last week, when did I start not being able to remember.  I told her when I started needing to go to the bathroom badly.  And, when I do these things with her I have to go much quicker, and can’t wait as long, I think because of the anxiety of doing them in the first place.  Look at today – the second I laid down I started going.  But I was holding it while we were talking and preparing to do this.  I remember telling her a couple times that I really needed to go and I think once I told her I couldn’t hold it much longer.  But I can wait longer – know I can!   After doing these I feel badly.  Like a bad person.  I told her today I felt like I wanted to cry.  She said I could but I didn’t.  Just really sad.  She knows how badly I want this problem to go away and how mad I get at it.  She said she gets mad at it, too for me.  So she’s trying to teach me how to get out of that shame mode.  She tells me how it’s safe to do this there with her.  She’s not going to yell at me, she’s not going to be mean.  She even said she won’t stick a hypodermic needle in me (joking) and she won’t throw up in front of me (a phobia I have).   She told me again about the deal she made with me last week.  When she gets a procedure done she holds her breath and looks like she’s going to pass out or cry.  She’s never liked needles.  She said she promises not to do that and visualize on other things, try to get distracted by talking to the nurses, good things and such - if I try to do the same.  Like a challenge to me.   I asked her if she ever does weird things like this with her other clients.  I think she tried to make me feel not so bad because she told me she does even weirder things with kids.  She’s been tied up, handcuffed, shot at, etc when roll-playing.  Yesterday she had to convince a kid there was no hidden camera in the tree.  She said it’s like going to a doctor’s office:  you just need to do what you need to do to help the person feel better.   See … she is really good with me.  She lets me do almost anything I want during the sessions.  She mostly lets me lead the way because she knows I come in with lots of ideas.  Next time we will walk next door to a store when I need to go to the bathroom where there are ‘real’ people looking at me.  I need to practice holding it, not looking like I need to go badly (I move around a lot sometimes) and just being around others in this sort of situation.  And we will come back and I’ll try with a ‘diaper’ (hate them) on, like sleeping again.  I’ll drink water so I’ll be sure to have to go to the bathroom 2 times while I’m there.  And, if I bring the water bottle with me that will help me with my thing of drinking in front of people thinking they are thinking, “You are just asking for it”.    She told me to especially drink a lot this week before my trip to get my bladder used to it, do Kegels, etc.  I told her I’ve been doing that a lot lately.  And I notice I’ve been going more in amount so that means I’m holding more.  And maybe not so often, too.  But it sure doesn’t seem like it with her.  But that’s because I get scared to do these exposure therapies.  When this trip is over (I do need a break from doing these and she understands) and before the next trip, I do know I need to work on my anxiety and anticipations when I need to go with her.  I go all the way up to a 10 in my anxiety in seconds and she once told me I shouldn’t go higher than a 5 or 6 in anxiety.  I need to keep calmer inside (it’s all on the inside and not on the outside) about it when it happens and I’ll be able to wait longer.  I know that.  But, this intensity about this is really hard for me and I do need a break.  Working hard in therapy is really hard!   So … how can I be mad at her?  She’s so nice and kind and understanding.  She helps me so much.  I am mad but I don’t feel justified.  I am.  I just don’t know how to handle things during the week.  I’m afraid I’ll start wanting to call her up occasionally and want to talk.  But I didn’t want to do that – didn’t want to bother her so that’s why I did the voicemail and tape recorder thing.  I sure hope I can get over this soon because it’s not a very good feeling at all!   I told her about this group I’m on (no name) and how I want to be as anonymous as I can because I’m afraid someone will read it and connect it’s me.  I told her I journal and I don’t know if “everyone out there” is reading it or “no one” is.  She just listened.  That’s it for tonight.  Thanks for reading.