Another early rise,waiting for the coffee to kick in

Good morning journal,the time is now 7:11am and I have been awake since around 5:00am,yes,buttons did her"I need to go" routine again,now,I sit here while all three of our canine children lie blissfully asleep wrapped around my wife in our bedroom,oh well,at least it gives me the quiet time I so crave in the early part of the day.This morning,my mind is once again a blank canvas,I have no idea what will appear on the screen before me,so I will just let my fingers do their thing yet again and see what transpires.Last evening my wife and I spoke honestly to each other for two hours,no television,no computers,just us,and it was good for both of us,we spoke about our feelings for each other and about our fears for the future.The wall that I have seemingly erected around myself which my wife has spoken about often was slowly dismantled brick by brick,and I allowed her to see the vulnerable me warts and all,and we discussed the fears that I have about finally losing my mind,how the medication is working,if it's working,my frequent thoughts of suicide and the voices that are so much part and parcel of my daily existence.After we had finished,I was overwhelmed by exhaustion and my wife gave me my night medication and I tottered off to bed,but I could see that she was more at peace,and,to be truthful,so was I,we should discuss things together more often instead of my macho pride getting in the way all the time.I find it hard to express my feelings orally these days where I had no difficulty before,now I look to my writing to describe what is going on with me,I seem to manage better when I am left alone in the early part of the day,I can concentrate more easily and take my time without having to come up with answers or descriptions quickly,my mind is much slower than it used to be,except that is,when I have a rush hour freeway holding a demolition derby in my skull,usually when my voices are present.I was raised in a generation of men who were taught to work and provide for their families,and I have always managed to in the past,now,to be rendered incapable of doing so leaves me angry and with a sense of helplessness which I have never felt in my life before,I feel almost emasculated in a way,it's my duty,my role in life,and now I can no longer fulfill it,and that fact alone fills me with a deep and abiding sense of shame.I know that I am ill,and I know that I will never be restored to anything close to the man I was before,but it doesn't make it any easier to accept,it still sticks in my craw and probably always will,that's just the type of man I am.Anyway,what of today I hear you ask?,well,the same as always really,to get through it without causing harm to those around me and without hurting anyone by word or deed,not a bad blueprint really,and one which if I can manage to follow it will amount to not a bad day at all.The workmen are back upstairs this morning installing new windows and because they are also having to utilize the rear garden,it means that our dogs will have to be confined in the house,not that they are at all vicious,but they are likely to smother the workforce with copious amounts of kisses and cuddles,and I'm sure the guys are way too busy for that.The second mug of coffee I am now halfway through is finally beginning to kick in and my mind,still befuddled by sleep for the past hour is,at long last,beginning to clear.My wife is now awake,finally roused by the dogs reaction to the activity in the apartment above,and our home is finally a hive of activity,and the general hum of the day is upon us so I will end my diatribe of drivel for now,until the next time journal,peace and contentment go with us.