another day of self medicating but different

Bipolar is such a freaky,weird illness.Felt fine on sat. and sun. but here it is Monday and im down as a mamma jamma right now.So what do i decide to do,get some white powdery stuff for the day.I have enough to just "chip away at it all day" but I almost hate doing it even tho it feels so good to me.Much better than the badness i feel right now.I gotta be able to stop this drugging my pain away. Ive been alcoholically sober(if that makes any sense) but not completely soberand i am not proud of it. proud of not drinking but not proud about my state of being.  I love all you guys and appreciate you immensely.