Another Day in My Life!
Today I am reflecting on all my friends here at DS. To know that if something said to you hurts you more than your already hurting, then to know all my friends that rushed to my rescue, I am so thankful for. It hurt me so I almost just left this site, but I do not know what I would do without all you wonderful wonderful friends, who bring comfort and encouragement to me.
I know in my heart that things do get easier as time goes on, I can already see it in me. Not that I don't think of Ken almost every minute in my mind, but I know that I don't cry every minute. I could, if I kept thinking about all the thing my Ken had to go through, and like just sitting down for a sec just now after walking my puppy,I think Ken how could it be you are gone. And the pain is so raw and so deep. I don't think we ever get over it, but I know we have to go forward with life.
I know when Ken first went to Heaven the grief, the pain, was and is still so bad. I know at times I have to make myself to do things. But I do know that there are times I can't always cry my body can't take the feeling of desperation. It's still there, it just I try to control how I deal with it. My tears, my pain, my missing Ken is just as is was in the beginning it is just I am trying to deal with it different. My body was so drained, so tired, so exhausted. I knew I could not continue that way. Is this a step I am taking probably, but it does not make the pain any less it is just how I am trying to deal with it.
Like I told my husband the other day. When you meet the person your going to marry, you put all your energy into that relationship. You can go day and night, getting little sleep because your happy, your in love, you can't wait till you meet again for dinner. Then as you are together longer that first feeling you have began to change. It does not mean your not in love, it just means you can't keep up that going day and night forever. It means you get in a comfort zone with each other and your love grows to a deeper meaning and things slow down because if you didn't you would finally get so tired and think I can't keep this up. So slowly you start to build on that relationship a bit slower. It is not that your not still in love, it's just your love is different. In some ways that is how I see dealing with the grief. A little over three months ago I could not even feel I had gotten a bit of sleep, my face was tired, my body was tired, my eyes were swollen, my whole being was aching from the pain of losing Kenny, the constant crying. My body was telling me it had to slow down. There is nothing I can do to change what happened, it does not mean I don't miss my son, it just means I am learning that in some way I have to learn to deal with my pain in a better way.
Do I think I could go right back to that days and weeks just after Ken left this world, of course I do and I probably will. I still can't believe he is gone. And when I think of that the pain hits deep in my soul, but I am not just existing now I am trying to become stronger. Nothing will ever take this pain away, it will always be there and the thoughts will always be there and yes there will be days I will cry all day and yes they are days I will still ask why. I don't understand and never will, but I know that I have a wonderful son who God chose to take to Heaven. I wish that God would have let him stay but I know as long as I live my life is incomplete without Ken alive.
So I don't know if I maybe I am making a step forward, but then I probably will take five steps back, but this I do know I love my Kenny, my first born with all my heart and I will love him forever and a day. Just as I love Kenny so do I love my other boys and there is joy in knowing that they love me too. And now as I am ending this journal today my tears are flowing just like always, but I will regain my strength and try to do what I need to do today. Love to all my friends. Sandi
I know in my heart that things do get easier as time goes on, I can already see it in me. Not that I don't think of Ken almost every minute in my mind, but I know that I don't cry every minute. I could, if I kept thinking about all the thing my Ken had to go through, and like just sitting down for a sec just now after walking my puppy,I think Ken how could it be you are gone. And the pain is so raw and so deep. I don't think we ever get over it, but I know we have to go forward with life.
I know when Ken first went to Heaven the grief, the pain, was and is still so bad. I know at times I have to make myself to do things. But I do know that there are times I can't always cry my body can't take the feeling of desperation. It's still there, it just I try to control how I deal with it. My tears, my pain, my missing Ken is just as is was in the beginning it is just I am trying to deal with it different. My body was so drained, so tired, so exhausted. I knew I could not continue that way. Is this a step I am taking probably, but it does not make the pain any less it is just how I am trying to deal with it.
Like I told my husband the other day. When you meet the person your going to marry, you put all your energy into that relationship. You can go day and night, getting little sleep because your happy, your in love, you can't wait till you meet again for dinner. Then as you are together longer that first feeling you have began to change. It does not mean your not in love, it just means you can't keep up that going day and night forever. It means you get in a comfort zone with each other and your love grows to a deeper meaning and things slow down because if you didn't you would finally get so tired and think I can't keep this up. So slowly you start to build on that relationship a bit slower. It is not that your not still in love, it's just your love is different. In some ways that is how I see dealing with the grief. A little over three months ago I could not even feel I had gotten a bit of sleep, my face was tired, my body was tired, my eyes were swollen, my whole being was aching from the pain of losing Kenny, the constant crying. My body was telling me it had to slow down. There is nothing I can do to change what happened, it does not mean I don't miss my son, it just means I am learning that in some way I have to learn to deal with my pain in a better way.
Do I think I could go right back to that days and weeks just after Ken left this world, of course I do and I probably will. I still can't believe he is gone. And when I think of that the pain hits deep in my soul, but I am not just existing now I am trying to become stronger. Nothing will ever take this pain away, it will always be there and the thoughts will always be there and yes there will be days I will cry all day and yes they are days I will still ask why. I don't understand and never will, but I know that I have a wonderful son who God chose to take to Heaven. I wish that God would have let him stay but I know as long as I live my life is incomplete without Ken alive.
So I don't know if I maybe I am making a step forward, but then I probably will take five steps back, but this I do know I love my Kenny, my first born with all my heart and I will love him forever and a day. Just as I love Kenny so do I love my other boys and there is joy in knowing that they love me too. And now as I am ending this journal today my tears are flowing just like always, but I will regain my strength and try to do what I need to do today. Love to all my friends. Sandi
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