Another Day in My Life!
Today I am reflecting on all my friends here at DS. To know that if something said to you hurts you more than your already hurting, then to know all my friends that rushed to my rescue, I am so thankful for. It hurt me so I almost just left this site, but I do not know what I would do without all you wonderful wonderful friends, who bring comfort and encouragement to me.
I know in my heart that things do get easier as time goes on, I can already see it in me. Not that I don't think of Ken almost every minute in my mind, but I know that I don't cry every minute. I could, if I kept thinking about all the thing my Ken had to go through, and like just sitting down for a sec just now after walking my puppy,I think Ken how could it be you are gone. And the pain is so raw and so deep. I don't think we ever get over it, but I know we have to go forward with life.
I know when Ken first went to Heaven the grief, the pain, was and is still so bad. I know at times I have to make myself to do things. But I do know that there are times I can't always cry my body can't take the feeling of desperation. It's still there, it just I try to control how I deal with it. My tears, my pain, my missing Ken is just as is was in the beginning it is just I am trying to deal with it different. My body was so drained, so tired, so exhausted. I knew I could not continue that way. Is this a step I am taking probably, but it does not make the pain any less it is just how I am trying to deal with it.
Like I told my husband the other day. When you meet the person your going to marry, you put all your energy into that relationship. You can go day and night, getting little sleep because your happy, your in love, you can't wait till you meet again for dinner. Then as you are together longer that first feeling you have began to change. It does not mean your not in love, it just means you can't keep up that going day and night forever. It means you get in a comfort zone with each other and your love grows to a deeper meaning and things slow down because if you didn't you would finally get so tired and think I can't keep this up. So slowly you start to build on that relationship a bit slower. It is not that your not still in love, it's just your love is different. In some ways that is how I see dealing with the grief. A little over three months ago I could not even feel I had gotten a bit of sleep, my face was tired, my body was tired, my eyes were swollen, my whole being was aching from the pain of losing Kenny, the constant crying. My body was telling me it had to slow down. There is nothing I can do to change what happened, it does not mean I don't miss my son, it just means I am learning that in some way I have to learn to deal with my pain in a better way.
Do I think I could go right back to that days and weeks just after Ken left this world, of course I do and I probably will. I still can't believe he is gone. And when I think of that the pain hits deep in my soul, but I am not just existing now I am trying to become stronger. Nothing will ever take this pain away, it will always be there and the thoughts will always be there and yes there will be days I will cry all day and yes they are days I will still ask why. I don't understand and never will, but I know that I have a wonderful son who God chose to take to Heaven. I wish that God would have let him stay but I know as long as I live my life is incomplete without Ken alive.
So I don't know if I maybe I am making a step forward, but then I probably will take five steps back, but this I do know I love my Kenny, my first born with all my heart and I will love him forever and a day. Just as I love Kenny so do I love my other boys and there is joy in knowing that they love me too. And now as I am ending this journal today my tears are flowing just like always, but I will regain my strength and try to do what I need to do today. Love to all my friends. Sandi
I know in my heart that things do get easier as time goes on, I can already see it in me. Not that I don't think of Ken almost every minute in my mind, but I know that I don't cry every minute. I could, if I kept thinking about all the thing my Ken had to go through, and like just sitting down for a sec just now after walking my puppy,I think Ken how could it be you are gone. And the pain is so raw and so deep. I don't think we ever get over it, but I know we have to go forward with life.
I know when Ken first went to Heaven the grief, the pain, was and is still so bad. I know at times I have to make myself to do things. But I do know that there are times I can't always cry my body can't take the feeling of desperation. It's still there, it just I try to control how I deal with it. My tears, my pain, my missing Ken is just as is was in the beginning it is just I am trying to deal with it different. My body was so drained, so tired, so exhausted. I knew I could not continue that way. Is this a step I am taking probably, but it does not make the pain any less it is just how I am trying to deal with it.
Like I told my husband the other day. When you meet the person your going to marry, you put all your energy into that relationship. You can go day and night, getting little sleep because your happy, your in love, you can't wait till you meet again for dinner. Then as you are together longer that first feeling you have began to change. It does not mean your not in love, it just means you can't keep up that going day and night forever. It means you get in a comfort zone with each other and your love grows to a deeper meaning and things slow down because if you didn't you would finally get so tired and think I can't keep this up. So slowly you start to build on that relationship a bit slower. It is not that your not still in love, it's just your love is different. In some ways that is how I see dealing with the grief. A little over three months ago I could not even feel I had gotten a bit of sleep, my face was tired, my body was tired, my eyes were swollen, my whole being was aching from the pain of losing Kenny, the constant crying. My body was telling me it had to slow down. There is nothing I can do to change what happened, it does not mean I don't miss my son, it just means I am learning that in some way I have to learn to deal with my pain in a better way.
Do I think I could go right back to that days and weeks just after Ken left this world, of course I do and I probably will. I still can't believe he is gone. And when I think of that the pain hits deep in my soul, but I am not just existing now I am trying to become stronger. Nothing will ever take this pain away, it will always be there and the thoughts will always be there and yes there will be days I will cry all day and yes they are days I will still ask why. I don't understand and never will, but I know that I have a wonderful son who God chose to take to Heaven. I wish that God would have let him stay but I know as long as I live my life is incomplete without Ken alive.
So I don't know if I maybe I am making a step forward, but then I probably will take five steps back, but this I do know I love my Kenny, my first born with all my heart and I will love him forever and a day. Just as I love Kenny so do I love my other boys and there is joy in knowing that they love me too. And now as I am ending this journal today my tears are flowing just like always, but I will regain my strength and try to do what I need to do today. Love to all my friends. Sandi
Replies
I\'m so sorry for your pain. I miss my sweetnathan to. I will never be the same. How could we? I\'m so glad you are gaining strength. I pray it will continue and you will stay with us mothers who also need you:) Hugs, Danette
I am glad to see you are having a good day. Yes, you will still have the bad days, as you well know, but they will become fewer and farther apart. Hugs, Barbara
We will always have pain and heart ache but as we have all experienced with time we learn to somehow move forward.. it is so hard and no we will never get over it.. ever but thankfully we have each other.. love to you my friend..
The journey of grief is a roller coaster ride you would like to get off of but it just keeps going with it\'s highs and it\'s lows and just keeps going up and down like this until it slows down, gives you more time to learn and reflect and to gather strength from your family, friends and your higher power. I hope this makes sense. Truly your friend, Barb.
We are always connected....there is that mother and child union that remains forever. I still have Brandon\'s umbilical cord in his baby book....I have all of his baby teeth...and some of his first hair cut. I know we as moms will keep them in our hearts and minds while others may forget. God be with you as you struggle with your pain....peace be with you and God your comforter.....love ya, dale...brandon\'s mom
I think that each of us has the right to grieve as we do. We have been through a monstrous thing and sometimes we need to vent. There is nothing wrong with that and if people don\'t want to read it, they don\'t have to. If they come to our journal, they get what they get. If they don\'t like what they see, nothing makes come back again. I hope you are having and easier time. hugs j
Dear Sandi, I and I\'m sure I can speak for the other ladies in our group, am so glad you decided to stay with us and not leave because the hurtful oponion of one person. I hope all the positive support can make up for one negative, remember we NEED each other. After walking this very difficult journey for almost 4 years, I can tell you it does get easier, the pain lessens, the tears don;t come as often, I believe the hole in your heart never heals, you just somehow learn how to live this life the best you can with this deep wound. Continue to lean on the people who you know will be there for you, taking one step at a time, one day at a time and remember we all care about you and are here for you, Love, Charlene, Mitchells, mom
hey sandi, i did that, one person i was talkin with, for weeks it seemed like, then one day, she just un loaded on me, told me i was a horrible person,, that i didnt love my wife,.. i was so upset, i did quit the site , for like 3 months, i had made many friends, and just one person, made me thro that all away,.. i come to my senses, came back, and apoligized , to my friends, for disappearing, i stopped in once in a while, but not much,.. the bottom line is, if thats the way they feel, why even talk to me, in the ifrst place,.. and not everyone is so nice,.. most are, but everyonce in a while, you run into a boo bird,.. and we gotta let that roll right off our sleeve. I know i havent been around alot, lately,.. but you know the reason, this time,.. I have found peace, and happiness, mabey even love!!!! and like you said, in your journel, the beginning of a relationship, is such a undertaking, it swoops you up, into the monent,.. like, can i really believe, i am gonna be happy again, really!!? , she REALLY likes ME???? thats how i feel anyway,.. hope you have a good day,.. your friend, Dave
Two steps forward, one step back...but you are still getting somewhere friend...peace and hugs to you...Karen
Yes, stay with us, and take the good and hold it close - it\'s the support and love with continued friendship to build on during your journey through grief. You are amazing, and very strong to be having these solid feelings on grief right now - able to compare it to other things in life - I\'m blessed to call you friend, enjoy your evening, and the rest of the weekend as well.
We just never quite know when the tears will start or stop. However, we do learn to go with the emotions, embrace them and learn from them. Grief is such hard work and it takes so much from us in those early months. You write you are seeing some changes and they are ever so gradual but slowly you will smile more often, be able to rest more, and most of all, enjoy your life again. Until then, we are all here for you to give you strength. Keep hanging in there. Much love. Robin
yOU have enoght grief in your life right now and you are trying to feel better . don,t let the comments of a thoughtless bitch drain your energy and just let it go you really don,t even know her. so just throw it away and say to your self ;i have more to do now in my life then dwell on this thoughtless womens opinion on how you should be feeling or doing. lots of hugs zzztop/charco
Dear Sandi,
I keep going back to one of the last things my son said to me \" baby steps Mom\" and that is a great piece of advice.
We can only be responsible for ourselves and when people say things that are unpleasant we can decide how we want to react to it. I personally feel if a person does not offer me something positive in my life I remove them .It may sound cold but that is how I survive .Hugs, Inga