Another day gone
The days have no meaning any more. Yes I got through today with very little crying. But I still cried. It will be 2 years November 28th since I lived with my family. Yes I left, but I didn't have much of a choice. I had admitted myself to a mental hospital so I could stop crying and receive basic medical care to heal from my 3rd major surgery in 3 months for breast cancer. My husband would not allow me to come home after my stay at that hospital and my friends had to get my clothes for me. I tried to work things out financially but he just refused. I could have no money to pay for an apartment. I could have no money period, as he had no money to give me. Yet the man made $130,000 a year and we lived in a dump, drove 15 to 20 year old cars and had never bought in 18 years one stitch of furniture for our house. My two children were so confused they just hid in their rooms and wouldn't come near me because I was "sick". I couldn't get out of my chair except to hobble to the bathroom, with 5 different drains dangling from my body. No food, not even the food that strangers from a church I only had visited brought me, would my husband give me. He was more worried about what "might "be wrong with our daughter. There was nothing, but it was much more important than to help me with my breast cancer. And of course I was the one that was the bad guy. I didn't treat people right. I was abusive to him. I was just impossible. That's why all my friends and the social worker at the hospital said you need to divorce this guy! Now!....but I love him. I will always love him. Sometimes I wish my survial instincts weren't so good. He fed me moldy bread when I got sick from taking too much pain medicine, which he was always trying to get me to take. I told him I didn't need it, but he was so worried about me! Take the medicine. Then when I became violently ill from the moldy bread, "I" was appreciative of all his efforts. How could I throw up all over everything and make such a mess. And look at the time! it is 3am. can't you do these things during day light hours? Yeah I always was mean to him. But I would give anything to have him just realize a little how much I tried to appreciate him and to realize just how much I really did love him. I left because I didn't want to inconvenience him any more with my illness. I didn't want him and the kids to be unhappy because I couldn't do everything for them anymore. They obviously didn't want me around anymore.(I couldn't go to family gatherings, even when I received an invitation addressed to me!, because "no body will have a good time if you come!". So I left. But that has enraged him! I guess he thought I believed him when he said he had no money for me. He was under the impression that I should just cease to exist. I wasn't his wife anymore, so I should just leave, taking nothing with me but the clothes on my back. Why does he hate me so much?????? I just want to make him happy, and to love me.
Replies
You survived breast cancer. You have overcome something that I can\'t even imagine. The last thing you said is what strikes me the most I think - that you want to make him happy. We have to make ourselves happy. Don\'t try to make him happy - don\'t try to make him anything. He\'s your past. You need to figure out your future. Focus on yourself at this point.
So sorry mac for all your heartbreak. Yes being a cancer survivor is a big issue in your life. Having all the added stress in your life during that time must have been devastating. If your husband had a stigma about the mental hospital, than that was his problem, not yours. Those hospitals are there to help people.There is nothing to be ashamed about.
I think maybe some marriage councilling might have helped, but u say that was 2 years ago?
If he could not stand by you, when you were sick [physically or mentally ] than maybe he was not worth the effort anyway.
2 years is a long time to be still feeling so sad and upset, you got alot on your plate that is not resolved for u yet.
maybe u should discusss this with your family dr. and they may refer u 2 someone.
I pray you find peace soon
take care
Happynott is right - you do have a terrible burden but you have survived some of the worst things a woman can go through. Just one day at a time....please try to find something that can make you happy, if only for a moment. That can be the crack that lets the sun in. If you could qualify for low or no cost counseling, that can be a great help.
Lynne
I hope you realize here that you are worth and deserve so much more than the nonexisitant husband that you had. You survived cancer(obviously) on your own...you know you\'re strong already. Now take all that energy to fight and love yourself into a happy, healthy relationship with yourself and someone who wants to make YOU happy!
you have gone through a terrible time... cancer is no picnic!!!
and as for your husband, he acted like a monster ... not a loving man.
you were wise to leave that abusive situation.
i pray you will get all the help you can ... one day at a time. and please know there is no shame in seeking help in a mental health setting. you were courageous to do that!
Jesus said, \"I came for the sick\".
It\'s more than OK to want to get well.
(((gentle hug)))