Another day gone

The days have no meaning any more. Yes I got through today with very little crying. But I still cried. It will be 2 years  November 28th since I lived with my family. Yes I left, but I didn't have much of a choice. I had admitted myself to a mental hospital so I could stop crying and receive basic medical care to heal from my 3rd major surgery in 3 months for breast cancer. My husband would not allow me to come home after my stay at that hospital and my friends had to get my clothes for me. I tried to work things out financially  but he just refused. I could have no money to pay for an apartment. I could have no money period, as he had no money to give me. Yet the man made $130,000 a year and we lived in a dump, drove 15 to 20 year old cars and had never bought in 18 years one stitch of furniture for our house. My two children were so confused they just hid in their rooms and wouldn't come near me because I was "sick". I couldn't get out of my chair except to hobble to the bathroom, with 5 different drains dangling from my body. No food, not even the food that strangers from a church I only had visited brought me, would my husband give me. He was more worried about what "might "be wrong with our daughter. There was nothing, but it was much more important than to help me with my breast cancer. And of course I was the one that was the bad guy. I didn't treat people right. I was abusive to him. I was just impossible. That's why all my friends and the social worker at the hospital said you need to divorce this guy! Now!....but I love him. I will always love him. Sometimes I wish my survial instincts weren't so good. He fed me moldy bread when I got sick from taking too much pain medicine, which he was always trying to get me to take. I told him I didn't need it, but he was so worried about me! Take the medicine. Then when I became violently ill from the moldy bread, "I" was appreciative of all his efforts. How could I throw up all over everything and make such a mess. And look at the time! it is 3am. can't you do these things during day light hours? Yeah I always was mean to him. But I would give anything to have him just realize a little how much I tried to appreciate him and to realize just how much I really did love him. I left because I didn't want to inconvenience him any more with my illness. I didn't want him and the kids to be unhappy because I couldn't do everything for them anymore. They obviously didn't want me around anymore.(I couldn't go to family gatherings, even when I received an invitation addressed to me!, because "no body will have a good time if you come!". So I left. But that has enraged him! I guess he thought I believed him when he said he had no money for me. He was under the impression that I should just cease to exist. I wasn't his wife anymore, so I should just leave, taking nothing with me but the clothes on my back. Why does he hate me so  much??????  I just want to make him happy, and to love me.