Another day down
Today was another down further into no contact. Today was a painful day. Just a very painful day. I just seemed to hurt all day.
First my daughter came over with her boyfriend. He is homeless and as I got to know him more and more through out the day my heart just started breaking. He is a good boy from a terrible home who has no direction. I compare him with my beautiful son around the same age on spring break from college. My son has it all by comparison. My heart just breaks and breaks.
So, I drove today. I do that when I feel like I have to cry so hard and so loud it will never stop. I cried for this boy. I cried for my own boy. My daughter. All the pain in the world. All of you. And for me. I cried for the time he said I was a dirty whore. He said I was a fat slob. He said I really let myself go. He said if we ever got together I would have to lose weight and buy new clothes first. I cried for the girl who at that time said okay I would. That poor sweet me. She was being so abused and she didn't even know. She believed him. Oh the horrible names. The horrible abuse I have suffered through. I just cried and cried for her and told her how pretty she was and how exactly perfectly her she was. I am so very me and that is so very good. All this emotion just came rushing out.
For some reason, it feels safe to really grieve right now. To be vulnerable with myself and let the crying and screaming out. I will tell you, I sobbed like a baby for a very long time... tears, hyperventilating, snot and all. ha. I am NOT what he said I was. Who is he to say those things to me? Friends it is very, very wrong.
NC: 6 days, 10 hours, 0 minutes, 33 seconds
First my daughter came over with her boyfriend. He is homeless and as I got to know him more and more through out the day my heart just started breaking. He is a good boy from a terrible home who has no direction. I compare him with my beautiful son around the same age on spring break from college. My son has it all by comparison. My heart just breaks and breaks.
So, I drove today. I do that when I feel like I have to cry so hard and so loud it will never stop. I cried for this boy. I cried for my own boy. My daughter. All the pain in the world. All of you. And for me. I cried for the time he said I was a dirty whore. He said I was a fat slob. He said I really let myself go. He said if we ever got together I would have to lose weight and buy new clothes first. I cried for the girl who at that time said okay I would. That poor sweet me. She was being so abused and she didn't even know. She believed him. Oh the horrible names. The horrible abuse I have suffered through. I just cried and cried for her and told her how pretty she was and how exactly perfectly her she was. I am so very me and that is so very good. All this emotion just came rushing out.
For some reason, it feels safe to really grieve right now. To be vulnerable with myself and let the crying and screaming out. I will tell you, I sobbed like a baby for a very long time... tears, hyperventilating, snot and all. ha. I am NOT what he said I was. Who is he to say those things to me? Friends it is very, very wrong.
NC: 6 days, 10 hours, 0 minutes, 33 seconds
Replies
Your in my thoughts...it\'s good to get this crying out, to really feel these emotions. Take care, it does get better..absolutely stay NC as much as possible any contact with your ex is just incredibly toxic now. Let yourself heal, it\'ll be ok eventually :)
Thanks for the support, kbb. xoxo
I have been where you are and as awful as it sounds, I am so glad you are honoring your feelings and allowing yourself to grieve. It\'s not fun and it sure isn\'t for sissies. And as awful as it feels, it is so healing.
You are so right. You are NOT what he says. You are a beautiful caring soul and you are perfect just the way you are.
Sending you big healing hugs....
Thank you, MTC. Sunday is hard. Not sure why. I guess each day is hard for it\'s own stand alone reason. I got to one week no contact and that is something.
One week NC is definitely something. You are doing great! And it will get easier.
One week NC is awesome, the first tries at NC are incredibly hard, I\'ve reread parts of my journals and notes I kept and how I crawled the walls and struggled so bad after a few days of NC ...now I\'ll go weeks at a time (our daughter lives with me so we have sporadic texts/emails but extremely limited) anyways it was almost a month or so and she had to pop in a text about some dr appt our daughter has that was really senseless cause she\'s 18 now and it\'s not like life threatening so I just read it and deleted it, no response to her..it gets easier. The more you stick with it you will find new memories and activities just naturally replace the space they are taking up in your head..
Take care :)
Thank you, that really helps. Today was another hard day. I am having issues with my daughter and I really needed a coparent. He just isn\'t that to me anymore. It was all I could do to let it go but I did. One week and eight hours down.
Believe me I know there are still days I miss the partnership of having another parent here at the house...but we have to remember it was their choice and they will miss the cruddy parts of parenting but they also miss the awesome parts too. My daughter and I will have some great nights where she will find a new recipe online and we\'ll get the ingredients and make a nice dinner and watch a movie or another fun show and enjoy each other\'s company. Deep down I know my ex doesn\'t get those days anymore and I know it galls her as she has told me so...like the holidays last year the kids spent all of them with me..not her. So we can imagine them having this awesome new life but I know it\'s not that awesome and really I don\'t even care anymore. This was all her doing and she can live with the choices she has made. Yes some days it hurts still believe me I know...you don\'t just forget 24 years. It\'s the hardest thing I\'ve ever had to deal with..but we just can\'t control other peoples feelings and behavior. We can control ourselves and our own happiness. It\'s definitely a slog, but you will be much stronger on the other side :)
Some days it really hurts, you are so right. Some days are better than others. I do feel myself getting stronger and stronger. Your wife was a fool, you know? :)
Haha everyone else thought she was extremely foolish at the time she pulled the trigger...you just can\'t control peoples thinking it\'s so bizarre. Thanks for your kind words, you\'re in my thoughts and I do know over time it does get better ok? Just have to slog through it, believe me I know it\'s tough..but it\'s survivable... :)